Lust Angeles - It's So Big
Lust Angeles
by
Scott Patrick Wagner
Act One (Sample)
(Curtain rises on a stage divided into
several different acting areas, which
change scene by scene.)
(Before the lights come up, we hear the
following v.o.:)
RECORDED MALE VOICE (V.O.)
Welcome to "976-C-U-M-M," L.A.'s hottest all-male phone line.
Choose from the following hot options. If you're a top
looking for a hot bottom, press one. If you're a bottom
looking for a hot top, press two. For group scenes, press
three. For water sports and--
(LIGHTS UP ON CHAD, 20, AS HE PRESSES A
TOUCH TONE PHONE BUTTON. THEN WE HEAR A
DEEP MALE VOICE.)
BEN (V.O.)
Hey. I'm Ben. What's your name?
CHAD
Uh...Chuck.
(PRIM AND ELDERLY MRS. WESTERMAN
APPEARS ETHEREALLY BEHIND HIM.)
MRS. WESTERMAN
Your name is Chad, dear. At least, it was when you were in my
fifth grade homeroom.
CHAD
(PUTTING HIS HAND OVER THE
MOUTHPIECE)
I know....why did I just call myself Chuck?
MRS. WESTERMAN
Perhaps, dear, you're trying to arouse this man by choosing a
name that sounds like "fuck."
(MRS. WESTERMAN DISAPPEARS.)
BEN (V.O.)
You as horny as I am, Chuck?
CHAD
(INTO THE PHONE)
Yeah. I'm real horny.
MRS. WESTERMAN
(REAPPEARING SUDDENLY)
That should be "I'm really horny," Chad.
CHAD
(HAND OVER PHONE AGAIN)
I realize that, but...the circumstances...
MRS. WESTERMAN
(INDICATING THAT SHE
UNDERSTANDS:)
Gotcha!
(MRS. WESTERMAN DISAPPEARS AGAIN.)
BEN (V.O.)
So, Chuck, tell me about yourself.
CHAD
Five-ten, 160, blond hair, blue eyes, clean shaven, 30-inch
waist, work out three times a week, smooth, tight, versatile,
seven-and-a-half, cut.
MRS. WESTERMAN (V.O.)
Don't leave out the best part, dear.
CHAD
And I'm 20.
(LIGHTS DOWN ON CHAD AND CROSS FADE UP
ON RANDY ANDERSON, HANDSOME,
CHARISMATIC, 30'S, AT A PODIUM CENTER
STAGE, ADDRESSING A CONGREGATION.)
RANDY
Today's topic is monogamy. Does that make you nervous?
Straight or gay, that's not the issue. What matters is what
you're doing, not whom.
(LIGHTS DOWN ON RANDY, WHO CONTINUES
PREACHING IN PANTOMIME, AND UP ON A BED
CENTERSTAGE. DARREN, 30 AND ATTRACTIVE,
IS MOANING APPRECIATIVELY.
UNDER THE SHEET THAT COVERS HIS TORSO,
THERE APPEARS TO BE SOME UP-AND-DOWN
ACTIVITY HAPPENING AT THE GROINAL
AREA.)
DARREN
Oh, yeahhhh....Oh, Mel, that feels really great...!
(SUDDENLY, THE SECOND BODY LETS OUT A
SHRIEK AND THROWS OFF THE SHEET. WE SEE
MELISSA--LATE 20'S, IN BRA AND PANTIES-
STAND UP, FURIOUS.)
MELISSA
What was THAT?!
(SHE GRABS A TOWEL AND BEGINS WIPING AT
HER MOUTH FURIOUSLY.)
DARREN
Huh?! What?
MELISSA
Was that pre-cum?!
DARREN
Well...I suppose it was.
MELISSA
You bastard! How could you do that to me?!
DARREN
Melissa, I can't control when I have pre-cum. Jesus!
(MELISSA PULLS A SUITCASE OUT FROM
UNDER THE BED.)
MELISSA
That's it! We're through, Darren!
DARREN
What?! Just like that?
MELISSA
(THROWING DARREN'S CLOTHES IN
THE SUITCASE)
It's been eating away at me for months now. I can't make a
life with a bisexual man.
DARREN
That is so unfair! I haven't been with anybody but you. Just
you.
(LIGHTS UP ON A TABLE UPSTAGE LEFT,
WITH ARMANDO AND RAQUEL SEATED,
DINING.)
MELISSA
Oh, I saw how you looked at my brother Armando when he and
Raquel took us to Gaucho Grill last week.
DARREN
Your brother Armando looks like Antonio Banderas, only more
handsome! Everybody stares at your brother Armando! Men,
women, pets! The cooks were coming out of the kitchen to
stare at your brother Armando! And, frankly, I think Raquel
gets off on everybody panting over her fiance like that.
MELISSA
Well, at least Raquel's man is straight! I don't know where
that thing has been!
DARREN
You know exactly where that thing has been, and how much
rubber it's been wrapped in! And it's been no place else for
the past two and a half years...until tonight, that is, when
it got to spend all of three minutes in Your Highness'
mouth...up until I committed the ultimate sin of oozing pre
cum!
MELISSA
Pre-cum is rich in HIV!
DARREN
What...Did you floss recently?!
MELISSA
It's not just flossing! You can get it from having a sore in
your mouth, or gingivitis, or bleeding gums--
DARREN
Shut up! You don't have any of those things! And
besides...I'm negative!
MELISSA
Yeah...says you! Ugh...All those men! And I let you near me
with that...death stick!
DARREN
(THROWING HIS CLOTHES ON)
That does it! "All those men"! I'm thirty years old, and I've
been with four men in my whole life! But you know what?
It doesn't matter! I'm sick of being treated like the Bubonic
Plague because I was honest enough to tell you I'm bi! I
don't have AIDS, I don't fuck around, and I don't have to put
up with this anymore!
(ARMANDO STANDS UP AT THE TABLE AND
FACES DOWNSTAGE.)
DARREN (CONT'D)
All those jokes you and Armando make about me being 'Darren'!
(ARMANDO, WHO HAS A LATIN ACCENT,
SPEAKS THE NEXT LINE AT THE SAME TIME
AS DARREN.)
DARREN/ARMANDO
Dick York was straight, Dick Sargent was gay...Which Dick is
Darren now?
(ARMANDO RETURNS TO THE TABLE.)
DARREN (CONT'D)
Well, you won't have this dick to kick around anymore! I'm
outta here...and I'm gonna finally get my death stick sucked
by someone who knows what they're doing!
(HE STORMS OUT, LEAVING A STUNNED
MELISSA. LIGHTS CROSS FADE UP ON CHAD
AGAIN, AS WELL AS THE AREA WHERE BEN,
LATE 30'S AND TRIPLE-BUTCH, IS ON THE
PHONE WHILE HIS LOVER JEREMY, MID-30'S
AND WILLOWY, FLITS NERVOUSLY IN THE
BACKGROUND OF THEIR APARTMENT.)
BEN
You sound really hot, Chuck. You wanna join in on a group
scene I'm puttin' together?
CHAD
Yeah. It sounds...hot.
BEN
All right, boy. Lemme give you the address.
(BEN AND CHAD GO TO PANTOMIME AS JEREMY
SPEAKS TO THE AUDIENCE, A LA "GERITOL
COMMERCIAL.")
JEREMY
My lover, Ben. He's a full-time construction worker, a very
busy top stud, and a regular at Mother Lode. And he still has
time to invite sex-crazed strangers into our home for orgies.
My lover Ben...I think I'll keep him.
BEN
All right, boy. I'll see you here later. And you won't regret
it.
(CHAD AND BEN HANG UP.)
BEN
Man, this is gonna be...hot.
JEREMY
Is there some sort of maximum capacity you put on this thing?
When does it go from 'group scene' to 'ampitheatre event'?
(LIGHTS UP ON RANDY, STILL AT THE
PULPIT.)
RANDY
There is a sacred space of the soul, a place where two can
join in intimacy.
BEN
Jeremy, don't you want us to have this group scene?
(JEREMY PAUSES, AS IF WONDERING WHETHER
THIS IS A TRICK QUESTION.)
RANDY
You can't kill your soul, but do you really want to send it
into a coma?
(LIGHTS DOWN ON ALL AREAS EXCEPT BEN
AND JEREMY.)
JEREMY
No, Ben. Let's do it. I just get the feeling that I'm Marge
Simpson, looking the other way as Homer eats 64 slices of
American cheese...only I'm eating the cheese, too.
BEN
Oh, don't worry about that! I screened all these guys, and
the ones who are uncut said that they shower a lot...you
won't be eating any cheese tonight!
(CROSS FADE TO ROB MITCHELL, 17 AND
ADORABLE, WHO COMES TO THE DOOR OF
CHAD'S ROOM AS CHAD IS UNWRAPPING A
MASSAGE TABLE.)
ROB
Chad? You got a minute?
CHAD
Sure, baby bro'. Gotta be somewhere in an hour, but I'm free
now.
ROB
Is that the massage table Dad said he wouldn't buy you? Kewl!
CHAD
Yeah...I was extra "Stepford" last week, to the point he
actually thought he was a good father.
ROB
Chad, are you gonna tell him about being... y'know...gay?
CHAD
Lower the voice please, youngster. The less Judge Creep-face
knows about me, the better.
ROB
Oh. Chad...when did you know you were...I mean...y'know?
CHAD
Robbie, are you asking about me, or are you asking something
else? Cuz I think I've always known, though I've heard of
plenty of guys who figure it out by trial and error.
ROB
Oh...
CHAD
Rob....have you been having any trials and errors?
ROB
Well....I guess that the less Judge Creep-face knows about
me, the better.
(LIGHTS UP ON JEREMY AT HIS COMPUTER,
AS BEN STANDS BEFORE A MIRROR IN
CUTOFFS. DURING JEREMY'S CYBER-LETTER,
BEN TRIES ON SEVERAL DIFFERENT PAIR OF
CUTOFFS, EACH WITH THE WORN SPOT
PROVIDING A SLIGHTLY DIFFERENT "LOOK."
HE IS STARK NAKED EACH TIME HE PULLS A
PAIR OF SHORTS OFF, BUT JEREMY IS
OBLIVIOUS TO IT.)
JEREMY
(AUDIBLE TO US AS HE WRITES THE
LETTER)
Dear Endowed Lawyer. I hope this e-mail finds you well...and
endowed. Am I unpoopular? Do I pop out at parties? No, but my
significant other is sure popping out of his cut-offs. He's
going for the perfect "look" for the meet-and-greet portion
of tonight's group event...like those shorts will be staying
on past "hello"! I wish you were on-line right now, so I
could tell you all about it.
(CROSS FADE TO LIGHTS UP ON ROB AND
CHAD, AND ALSO ON JUDGE MITCHELL'S
STUDY.)
JUDGE MITCHELL
Chad, will you come in here please? I'd like to have a word
with you.
ROB
Uh-oh...do you think you're in trouble?
CHAD
Nope...that sounds like the "college degree" speech. He
usually thinks of it when he looks over his investment
portfolio.
ROB
That is way boring...I don't know how you stand it.
CHAD
Oh, it's not so bad. When he starts getting into it, I
usually pretend he's that cat puppet from Mr. Rogers. Little
does he know, that's the closest to pussy I'll ever get!
(LIGHTS DOWN ON ROB AS CHAD CROSSES TO
JUDGE MITCHELL'S STUDY. JUDGE MITCHELL
LOOKS UP AS HE ENTERS.)
JUDGE MITCHELL
Ah yes, Chad....take a seat.
(MRS. WESTERMAN APPEARS NEXT TO CHAD.)
MRS. WESTERMAN
Now, are you going to behave yourself, dear?
CHAD
(SITTING, TO WESTERMAN:)
Oh, don't I always?...Just call me Fido-boy....He sits! He
heels!
(TO MITCHELL, SWEETLY:)
Yes, Dad?
JUDGE MITCHELL
Chad, you're going to be 21 soon, and meow meow meow meow,
meow--
CHAD
(TO WESTERMAN)
You know what I'd really like to do now? Strip off all my
clothes and shoves yams up my butt like that NEA lady who was
denied funding.
MRS. WESTERMAN
That sounds very evocative, dear, but highly inopportune.
JUDGE MITCHELL
--meow meow meow gone along with meow meow massage school
meow--
CHAD
(TO WESTERMAN)
That Tim Miller guy was also denied funding. He's pretty
cute, for an old guy. I saw him do a performance art piece
once....I could perform some art on his piece, lemme tell ya!
MRS. WESTERMAN
And I'm sure a rimshot is in order, dear, but don't drift too
far away.
JUDGE MITCHELL
--even though you know I meow meow you to UCLA meow--
CHAD
"Rimshot"...hmmm...I wish I knew if that was safe--safer
activity...
JUDGE MITCHELL
--meow meow fine school and commitment to meow meow meow
meow.
(THERE IS A BEAT OF SILENCE.)
MRS. WESTERMAN
He stopped meowing, dear. I believe that's your cue.
CHAD
Dad, I really hear what you're saying, and I'm doing my best,
I mean it. I just got my massage license, and it takes a
while to get clients. But you'll see, I'll do great.
JUDGE MITCHELL
Well, just think about what I said. You're excused.
MRS. WESTERMAN
(AS THEY EXIT)
There's a good boy.
CHAD
Woof.
END OF SCENE 1
SCENE 2
(THE FURNITURE AND PROPS MOVE AND
CHANGE, TRANSFORMING THE ACTING AREAS
INTO THE SPACES FOR THIS SCENE. DARREN
SITS IN HIS CAR, STARING INTENTLY AT
BEN'S APARTMENT DOOR. HE REACHES FOR A
PAD OF PAPER, AND IT BECOMES CLEAR HE'S
HAD A FEW.)
DARREN
(READING FROM LIST)
"Things to do"....Check into Ramada Inn of West Hollywood.
Check. Curse out Melissa. (looking up:) Fuck you! (to list:)
Check. (writing:) Note to self: gym across from Ramada Inn
used to be called "Sports Erection." Check out steam room and
see if it still should be. (back to reading list:) Go to
Trader Joe's for Beaujolais. Check. Drink Beaujolais. Check-a
roonie. Curse out Melissa. (looking up:) Fuck you fuck you
fuck you! (to list:) Check. Drive to where man with hottest
phone voice on planet is having group scene. Check. Get out
of damn car and walk across street to group scene. Future
check. (His cell phone begins to ring. Writing:) Answer cell
phone.
LIGHTS UP ON RAQUEL, WHO IS CALLING
HIM. RAQUEL--ALSO KNOWN AS ROCKY--IS
LATIN, LATE-20'S, PLENTY OF STYLE, AND
MEDIUM HEIGHT FOR A WOMAN BUT SHORT FOR
A MAN.
ROCKY
Darren, honey, this is Raquel. I just heard about Melissa
throwing you out. Are you all right, querido?
DARREN
I'm just phenomenal, Rocky. Oh, say....can I still call you
"Rocky" even though I've been thrown out of the queen-bitch
cunt-fuckhead's life?
ROCKY
Of course, baby. Armando and I still love you, even if his
sister is an insane puta.
DARREN
Lissen, Rocky, y'know, Armando's really hot-looking. Is that
okay to say? I mean, am I not supposed to notice that?
ROCKY
It's fine, Darren. I'm sure Armando would be flattered to
hear it.
DARREN
Oh...well, don't put him on, cuz I'm too embarrassed to say
it again.
ROCKY
Don't be embarrassed, baby. It just means you appreciate my
taste in men. He's not home right now anyway.
DARREN
I'm not trying to steal your man, Rocky. I ain't no
homewrecker...
ROCKY
I know, honey. You're a good guy. Now, take care of yourself
and call us if you need--
DARREN
Okay gotta go now busy drinkin' buh-bye.
(DARREN GOES BACK TO CHUGGING WINE AND
STARING AT THE DOOR. ROCKY PUTS A TAPE
IN THE CASSETTE PLAYER. RANDY
ANDERSON'S VOICE COMES OUT OF IT. AS
TAPE PLAYS, ROCKY SITS IN A CHAIR
MEDITATING.)
RANDY (V.0.)
This is Randy Anderson, with the meditation tape for those in
a special relationship. Let the following words wash over
you.
(LIGHTS COME UP HALF ON BEN AND JEREMY.
JEREMY IS PUTTING COASTERS ON SIDE
TABLES; BEN IS STILL AT THE MIRROR,
ADJUSTING HIS GENITALS UNDER HIS HALF
ZIPPED CUTOFFS, DECIDING IF HE LIKES IT
BETTER HANGING RIGHT OR LEFT.)
RANDY (V.O.) (CONT'D)
My partner and I are one with God and with each other.
(LIGHTS COME UP ON RANDY AND TREVOR'S
PLACE. TREVOR, TALL, MID-30'S, IS AT
THE COMPUTER IN THE HOME OFFICE AS
RANDY COMES INTO THE APARTMENT.)
RANDY
Hi, honey, I'm home. How's the man with the very large penis?
TREVOR
(AT THE COMPUTER, PREOCCUPIED)
Fine, thanks. Out in a minute, Randy.
RANDY (V.O.)
My partner and I are committed to the expression of love over
fear.
(FADE DOWN ON RANDY'S TAPE AND ON
LIGHTS IN ROCKY'S AREA, AS TREVOR HITS
A KEY ON HIS COMPUTER AND COMES INTO
THE LIVING ROOM. HE AND HE AND RANDY
KISS LIGHTLY.)
TREVOR
How was the lecture?
RANDY
Okay, I guess. Except the natives sure seem to get restless
when I talk about monogamy.
TREVOR
Brings a chill to any man, let alone the gay ones.
(LIGHTS UP ON BEN'S FRONT DOOR. CHAD
APPROACHES IT, AS THE "AOL VOICE" COMES
OUT OF JEREMY'S COMPUTER.)
AOL MAN (V.O)
You've got mail!
DARREN
(WATCHING CHAD)
Damn, he's hot!
(JEREMY GOES BACK TO HIS COMPUTER,
DARREN GOES BACK TO CHUGGING WINE, BEN
FINISHES UP AT THE MIRROR. CHAD RINGS
THE DOORBELL.)
RANDY
Is monogamy giving you those chills, or are we still on the
same page here?
TREVOR
What a question, Randy. Everything's fine.
(THERE IS A TINKLING SOUND FROM
TREVOR'S COMPUTER.)
TREVOR (CONT'D)
I'm gonna do a little more on the computer, hon.
(TREVOR CROSSES OVER TO HIS COMPUTER AS
BEN OPENS HIS DOOR. MRS. WESTERMAN
MAGICALLY APPEARS NEAR CHAD.)
BEN
Hi.
MRS. WESTERMAN
My goodness!
CHAD
Hi. Are you Ben?
BEN
Every inch of me.
MRS. WESTERMAN
That appears to be a plethora of inches.
CHAD
I'm Chuck.
BEN
I like that name. It sounds like "fuck."
MRS. WESTERMAN
Very good work, Chad...Though perhaps everything sounds like
"fuck" to this fellow.
CHAD
(WHISPERING TO HER)
Excuse me.
(CHAD ENTERS THE APARTMENT.)
MRS. WESTERMAN
Have a lovely time, dear.
(SHE VANISHES AS THE DOOR CLOSES BEHIND
CHAD. JEREMY APPROACHES BEN AND CHAD.)
JEREMY
I'm Jeremy. Can I get you a drink?
BEN
(GRABBING CHAD'S ASS)
You like vodka?"
CHAD
Not really. I don't like the taste of alcohol much. How 'bout
a Pepsi?
JEREMY
Sure.
(JEREMY SCURRIES TO THE KITCHEN AS BEN
LEADS CHAD TO THE COUCH.)
BEN
I wanna fuck you.
CHAD
Well, then you should get my clothes off.
(BEN THROWS CHAD DOWN ON THE COUCH AND
STRIPS HIM.)
BEN
(WHISPER)
You like to get fucked without a rubber?
CHAD
(A LITTLE WEIRDED-OUT)
No.
(JEREMY ARRIVES WITH CHAD'S DRINK.)
JEREMY
Ben just likes to ask people about that. He would never do
it...right, honey?
BEN
(MURMURING)
Right.
(THE DOORBELL RINGS. AS JEREMY CROSSES
TO ANSWER IT:)
JEREMY
Condoms and lube on the table behind you, Chuck!
BEN
(WHISPERING)
I wanna fuck you bareback...
(CHAD REACHES BEHIND HIS HEAD FOR A
RUBBER.)
CHAD
I wanna marry David Geffen. We all have our dreams.
(JEREMY OPENS THE DOOR TO BRIAN, TALLER
WITH GREAT GLUTES, AND BART, SHORTER
AND BUFF. JUST THEN, JEREMY'S COMPUTER
MAKES A MUSICAL ALERT.)
JEREMY
(TO THE NEW ARRIVALS AS HE
RUSHES TO THE COMPUTER)
Drinks in the fridge, snacks and condoms all around...help
yourselves.
(JEREMY SITS AT THE COMPUTER, READING
THE SCREEN. TREVOR TYPES AT HIS
COMPUTER. WE HEAR WHAT THEY ARE TYPING
TO EACH OTHER. SEXUAL ACTIVITY IS
CONTINUING IN THE APARTMENT DURING THE
CYBER CONVERSATION.)
TREVOR
(TYPING)
Hi again, "Writer Bottom." It's me, "Endowed Lawyer." Thanks
for the e-mail. Y'know, I've never found out what kind of
writer you are.
JEREMY
(TYPING)
A horny one, who'd like to be ravaged by an endowed lawyer.
TREVOR
(TYPING)
Laugh out loud. I'm too big for my lover to take...do you
think you can handle it?
JEREMY
(TYPING)
Get into my briefs and find out, Perry Mason.
TREVOR
(TYPING)
I'm more like "Judd for the Defense"...much hotter. And when
I'm in your briefs, I'll make love to you so sweetly...
JEREMY
(TYPING)
You're making me hard, you bastard.
TREVOR
(TYPING)
That's what I'm counting on, baby. So...what kind of writing
do you do?
JEREMY
(TYPING)
Well...I'll let you know when I'm famous enough to be on
"Politically Incorrect."
TREVOR
(TYPING)
I love that show...I bet you'd be great on it.
JEREMY
(TYPING)
There you go...making me hard again.
(FOCUS BACK ON ROCKY AND RANDY, WHO ARE
EACH MEDITATING IN THEIR RESPECTIVE
AREAS. SOUND UP ON THE RANDY ANDERSON
TAPE THAT ROCKY IS PLAYING. RANDY AND
ROCKY BOTH BEGIN TALKING ALONG WITH IT
AS THEY MEDITATE.)
RANDY/ROCKY (ALONG WITH V.O.)
Love is the opposite of fear. I will
choose love over fear. I will choose
love over fear. I will choose love over
fear.
(THROUGH THE LAST OF THIS MEDITATION,
DARREN HAS FINALLY GOTTEN OUT OF HIS
CAR AND TENTATIVELY APPROACHED BEN'S
DOOR. HE KNOCKS, AND BEN OPENS, NAKED,
AS LIGHTS FADE DOWN ON RANDY AND
ROCKY.)
BEN
Hi. C'mon in. I've definitely been waiting for you.
(BEN CLOSES THE DOOR, AND ENFOLDS
DARREN FROM BEHIND IN A BEAR HUG.)
BEN
I'm Ben, and I really wanna have my way with you. You like
vodka?
DARREN
Uh...sure.
(BEN GOES TO THE KITCHEN FOR DARREN'S
DRINK, AS BRIAN AND BART, NUDE,
SURROUND DARREN.)
BART
Welcome to the party.
DARREN
Hey...You're that gymnast, aren't you?
BRIAN
He sure is.
DARREN
Oh, my god. And you're that ice skater...I'm sorry. I can't
remember your names.
BART
(PULLING OFF DARREN'S SHIRT)
That's okay...Just call us Brian and Bart.
DARREN
Oh. Which one's which?
BRIAN
You decide.
(IN THE KITCHEN, JEREMY LOOKS UP FROM
THE COMPUTER AS BEN TAKES A BIG CHUG
FROM THE VODKA BOTTLE.)
JEREMY
Hey, baby, be careful how much you drink. You don't want to
lose control and do something stupid.
BEN
Don't worry, buddy. I'm fine.
(BEN LEANS OVER JEREMY, PAWING HIS BODY
AND GIVING HIM A VERY DEEP KISS.)
BEN
The party's getting hot...
JEREMY
I'll...be right there.
BEN
(GRABBING A FULL GLASS OF VODKA
AND CROSSING OUT)
Suit yerself.
(BEN GRABS DARREN OUT OF THE MIDST OF
HIS CURRENT ACTIVITY.)
BEN
I've got your drink. I know this is a group scene, but I
really wanna have you all to myself for a while.
(AS JEREMY ENTERS THE LIVING ROOM, HE
SEES BEN GUIDE DARREN INTO THE BEDROOM,
CLOSING THE DOOR BEHIND THEM.
JEREMY GETS A GRIM LOOK ON HIS FACE AS
HE CROSSES TO CHAD ON THE COUCH.)
JEREMY
I'm going to give you the best blow job you ever had.
(BRIAN AND BART JOIN THE ACTION, AS THE
DOORBELL RINGS.)
JEREMY
Oh, fuck! This better be the last one!
(LIGHTS DOWN ON REST OF STAGE AS FOCUS
GOES TO THE BEDROOM. BEN HAS LAID
DARREN DOWN ON THE BED.)
BEN
(HANDING HIM THE FULL GLASS)
Here's your drink.
DARREN
Oh...thanks.
(HE TAKES A SIP. BEN STARTS TAKING THE
REST OF DARREN'S CLOTHES OFF. DARREN
TAKES A BIG SWIG OF THE VODKA.)
BEN
(REACHING INTO A SIDE DRAWER)
You like poppers? I got some I keep for special occasions.
(RUBBING DARREN'S CHEST)
Very special...
DARREN
Uh...I don't use 'em much.
(BEN TAKES A BIG SNORT OF POPPER AS
DARREN LOOKS TOWARD THE AUDIENCE.)
DARREN
(THINKING OUT LOUD)
Note to myself. The Construction Worker in my old fantasy
never did poppers. This feels a little weird.
BEN
(STROKING DARREN AGGRESSIVELY)
Why don't you finish your drink?
DARREN
And this feels...amazing...
(DARREN PONDERS FOR A MINUTE, THEN
DECIDES TO DOWN THE DRINK.)
DARREN
Fuck it...gotta go out on a limb sometimes...
(BEN LIFTS DARREN'S LEGS AND STARTS TO
POSITION HIMSELF. [NOTE: ALL SEX SCENES
SHOWN ONSTAGE WILL HAVE ALL ACTION
OCCURRING AT THE GROIN LEVEL OBSCURED
FROM THE AUDIENCE, ONE WAY OR
ANOTHER.])
DARREN
...speaking of limbs...
BEN
I wanna fuck you naked, man. I wanna be as close to you as a
man can be.
(DARREN STARTS TO MAKE A
SOUND.)
Don't worry...I'm healthy. And I want you more than I've ever
wanted anybody in my life.
(BEN SHOVES THE POPPER IN DARREN'S
NOSE, HOLDING HIS OTHER NOSTRIL SO HE
INHALES. BEN TAKES ONE MORE HIT
HIMSELF, THEN LEANS FORWARD AND STICKS
HIS TONGUE DOWN DARREN'S THROAT FOR A
LENGTHY KISS. HE PULLS BACK AND
MANEUVERS HIMSELF READY TO ENTER
DARREN. DARREN FACES DOWNSTAGE AGAIN,
SPEAKING AS BEN PROCEEDS.)
DARREN
Note to myself: I don't know if it's the vodka or the
poppers, but I feel like I'm at the end of Space Mountain,
where you're in that tunnel and all the red light explodes
around you. I know there's something I should be thinking
about, but I can't remember what it is. Ohhhh...this Ben guy
knows what he's doing. Ben....Big Ben....what a great big
clock that is....master clocksman....every stroke of the
pendulum....the concept of Time is overrated...
(THE DOOR OPENS AND A TALL NAKED MAN
ENTERS, THOUGH WE CAN'T MAKE OUT WHO IT
IS. HE APPROACHES DARREN, STANDING OVER
HIS HEAD. DARREN'S INTERNAL MONOLOGUE
CONTINUES.)
DARREN
Why is so little blood rushing to my head?... I guess because
it's all being used Down There.
How did that "rubber" conversation end up? I should be
thinking about that...I should try and say something...I-
agghh...
(AS DARREN ATTEMPTS TO SPEAK OUT LOUD,
HIS MOUTH IS FILLED BY THE TALL MAN
STANDING OVER HIM. RHYTHM BECOMES
FASTER AS MOANS INCREASE IN VOLUME,
WITH A FINAL CRESCENDO. AFTER A BEAT,
THE TALL MAN SPEAKS, WITH A LATIN
ACCENT.)
ARMANDO
Oh, baby, you are too hot!
(DARREN REACTS TO THE VOICE WITH
SURPRISE, SUDDENLY LOOKING UP TO SEE
THE MAN STANDING OVER HIM.)
DARREN
Armando?!
ARMANDO
Darren? Well...it's clear to see which Dick you are now!
END OF SCENE 2
SCENE 3
(SPOTLIGHT ON TOM, IN THE MIDDLE OF A
SPIEL. HE IS A HANDSOME ACTOR WITH A
DAZZLING SMILE, WEARING SUNGLASSES THAT
HAVE AN EXTENDED BLACK BAR, A LA
TABLOID PHOTOS, THAT OBSCURE HIS
IDENTITY.)
TOM
...I really feel that I owe my success--first in features,
and now on my hit series, "Smedley"--to the tools I've
learned through Bio-Dynamics. My wife Yvette and I are both
so grateful to the Church of Bio-Dynamics and its brilliant
founder. And it is such a pleasure for me to introduce you to
him now: the incredible T. Frank Cruikshank.
(LIGHTS FADE UP AROUND TOM. T. FRANK
CRUIKSHANK-- CHARISMATIC MID-40'S, WITH
A SUBTLE MALICE--SITS NEXT TO TOM IN
FRONT OF A STUDIO SET PROCLAIMING "THE
CHURCH OF BIO-DYNAMICS." BEHIND A
CAMERA IS STAN DULAIRE, A 50-ISH
PRODUCER/DIRECTOR OF QUESTIONABLE
VALUES.)
T. FRANK
Thank you so much, Tom...you and Yvette are so special to me.
It is gratifying to know how much Bio-Dynamics has done for
your life, as well as for so many millions of people out
there.
STAN
Okay, cut.
(HE APPROACHES T. FRANK)
That was great, general, but I think the script was going to
be "as well as for countless people out there."
T. FRANK
Do you doubt that it's millions, Stan?
STAN
Of course not, sir. But the legal department figured it was
safer not to--
T. FRANK
The truth isn't always safe, Stan. We'll do it my way.
STAN
Right, general.
(TO THE CREW)
Okay, people...let's set up for another take! This
infomercial is gonna save lives!
(CROSS FADE TO BLAKE'S FRONT DOOR. CHAD
APPROACHES, WITH MRS. WESTERMAN NEXT TO
HIM.)
CHAD
It makes sense for me to get a massage from one of these guys
with the Frontiers ads, right? I mean, if I'm going to be
doing this, I need to know what it's like.
MRS. WESTERMAN
Sounds reasonable, Chad. And if he's just some kind of sex
slut, well, knowledge is power.
(CHAD KNOCKS AND BLAKE, 30ISH AND
PERFECTLY OKAY LOOKING, OPENS THE
DOOR.)
CHAD
Hi. Blake?
BLAKE
Are you Chuck? C'mon in.
CHAD
(ENTERING, TO WESTERMAN)
Was it just me, or did his eyes say "yippee" when he saw what
I looked like?
MRS. WESTERMAN
I guess you're going to be one of his "enjoyable" massages,
dear.
CHAD
I'm glad we're doing this, Blake. Y'see, I just got my
massage license, and I want to see how a professional does
it.
BLAKE
Oh? You're a masseur? Hey, maybe we should do a trade...
CHAD
No. No, thanks. I really don't mind paying. I want to get the
full experience, you know?
BLAKE
Oh...sure. Why don't you strip down?
(CROSS FADE TO ROCKY AND ARMANDO'S
APARTMENT. ROCKY, ARMANDO, MELISSA, AND
ABUELITA [ARMANDO AND MELISSA'S 70-YEAR
OLD GRANDMOTHER] ARE AT THE DINING
TABLE.)
ROCKY
Melissa, have you called Darren?
MELISSA
No, and I wish you and Manny would stop asking me!
ARMANDO
Listen, tonta, my name is Armando, not Manny. Stop trying to
make me sound like I'm from New Jersey!
MELISSA
Like that would be such a bad thing.
ARMANDO
One day the world's gonna find out you're a Spic, baby...you
better get over yourself!
MELISSA
I'm sorry, I couldn't understand you with that thick accent!
ABUELITA
Armando, Marisol, please stop your bickering!
ARMANDO
The world doesn't know her as Marisol, abuelita. She morphed
into a gringa called Melissa. But it's all brown on the
inside, ain't it, hermana?
MELISSA
Bite me, shmuck.
ROCKY
At least you could call him cabrón...
(SNUGGLING NEXT TO ARMANDO)
It's ever so much fun...you cabr—n.
(ROCKY AND ARMANDO KISS PLAYFULLY.)
ABUELITA
Eso es. El amor profundo. You could learn something from your
brother, Marisol. Love and family: those are what matter.
Now, where is your Darren?
MELISSA
Abuelita, I told you! Darren and I split up, and we're not
getting back together.
ABUELITA
Pero, porquŽ?
MELISSA
He's a disgusting pig, that's porquŽ!
ARMANDO
"Porque Pig"...I get it.
MELISSA
Asshole.
ARMANDO
Cabrona.
MELISSA
Bastard.
ARMANDO
Puta.
ROCKY
You guys, please! Your grandmother!
ABUELITA
Thank you, Rocky. Yes, children, clean up your fucking
language.
(CROSS FADE BACK TO BLAKE'S APARTMENT.
CHAD IS NAKED ON THE MASSAGE TABLE,
BUTT UP. BLAKE WEARS SHORTS AND A TANK
TOP. MRS. WESTERMAN SITS ON THE FLOOR
NEAR CHAD, TAKING NOTES. BLAKE PUTS
SOME AIRY-FAIRY MUSIC ON THE BOOM BOX,
AND THEN POURS SOME OIL ON CHAD'S
BACK.)
CHAD
(TO WESTERMAN)
Hmmm....the oil is very warm, but not too hot.
BLAKE
How does that feel?
CHAD
Greeeaaaaat.
(BLAKE WORKS HIS WAY DOWN FROM
SHOULDERS TO BUTT, AND BEGINS SPENDING
A LOT OF TIME ON BUTT.)
CHAD
(TO WESTERMAN)
He's spending a lot of time in the heiny region.
MRS. WESTERMAN
Certainly you learned in high school anatomy that there
aren't very many muscles that need massaging in that area.
(BLAKE POURS SOME MORE OIL IN THE
BUTTCRACK AREA.)
CHAD
(TO WESTERMAN)
Oh, but it feels so nice I think I'll let it be, for now. But
I wonder how far this guy would be willing to go with this.
MRS. WESTERMAN
Well, you could test his boundaries, dear, if you're so
inclined.
Now that he's giving you full gluteal attention, separate
your legs just an iota more and let your buns respond to his
touch ever so subtly.
(CHAD DOES. IN IMMEDIATE RESPONSE,
BLAKE TAKES HIS HANDS OFF OF CHAD AND
BEGINS TO REMOVE HIS CLOTHES.)
MRS. WESTERMAN
The walls of Jericho came down slower than that!
CHAD
(TO WESTERMAN)
So this guy thinks he's gonna be fucking me on my dime? And
even if Blakey plans on using a rubber--
MRS. WESTERMAN
--Which seems unlikely.
CHAD
(TO WESTERMAN)
--he's got all this oil-based goo on my butt!
(BLAKE BEGINS SPREADING CHAD'S LEGS
FURTHER APART, AND CLIMBING UP ON THE
TABLE.)
CHAD
(TO WESTERMAN)
So...he thinks I'm not only desperate for a lube job, but
that I'm dying to be his sperm receptacle? In your dreams,
Full-Body Boy!
(TO BLAKE)
Do you do any foot reflexology?
BLAKE
(LOSING HIS MOMENTUM)
Uh...yeah, a little. Why...you like that?
MRS. WESTERMAN
No...he asked because he wants you to spell it!
CHAD
(TO WESTERMAN, LAUGHING)
Good one, Mrs. Westerman.
(TO BLAKE)
Yeah, I do like it. But I want to get the kind of massage
that you're good at.
BLAKE
Well then, why don't you turn over?
(CHAD LIFTS HIS HEAD AND STARES AT
WESTERMAN.)
MRS. WESTERMAN
I don't believe it was a rhetorical question, dear.
CHAD
I had hoped for at least a little massage before the blow
job. Is that so wrong?
(HE BEGINS TO ROLL OVER AS CROSS FADE
TO JUDGE MITCHELL'S STUDY. THE PHONE
RINGS, AND LIGHTS UP ON BEN AT HIS
PHONE.)
JUDGE MITCHELL
Hello?
BEN
Hello? Is this Chuck?
JUDGE MITCHELL
Chuck? There's no one here named Chuck. You must have the
wrong number.
BEN
Aw, hell, I'm sure it's the right number. His name's Chuck.
20 years old, blond hair, hot little body. Great ass, man.
Let him know that I'm ready for a repeat, would'ja?
JUDGE MITCHELL
20 years old and blond, did you say?
BEN
Yeah, man, blond all over. I loved pluggin' that tight little
ass! Listen, you think I need to leave my phone number?
JUDGE MITCHELL
(ICILY)
No. I think I've got your number.
END OF SCENE 3
SCENE 4
(LIGHTS COME UP ON A PINSPOT ON
JEREMY.)
JEREMY
I don't know if anybody else gets this, but sometimes if I'm
sitting a certain way, my dick feels like it's--I dunno-
disappearing back into my groin...the anti-erection, I guess.
I suppose guys who are hung down to their knees even when
they're flaccid don't experience that particular phenomenon,
but when it happens to me, I start to shift around in my seat
pretty urgently, to make sure it hasn't really disappeared.
Though, y'know, sometimes I don't think it would be such a
bad idea if it did...having a dick can be a real problem.
(FULL FADE UP ON JEREMY, BEN, AND OTHER
MEN IN THE LOCKER ROOM.)
BEN
You like the way my biceps look, baby? You wanna lick 'em to
show me you like 'em?
JEREMY
Bennnn....there are people watching!
BEN
Then we better go into the steam room, and make 'em strain
their eyes.
JEREMY
Ben, there are signs all over the wet area of the gym that
say not to have any sex!
BEN
Then I guess everybody's gone blind in West Hollywood,
huh?...Or maybe everyone's already in there, going blind.
(LAUGHS)
Did'ja get my joke?
JEREMY
I just don't feel comfortable...
BEN
(MASSAGING JEREMY'S SHOULDERS,
WHISPERING)
I'll help you relax, baby.
(JEREMY IS AROUSED BY THE SENSATION,
THEN OPENS HIS EYES AND SPEAKS TO THE
AUDIENCE AGAIN.)
JEREMY
My dick has no intention of disappearing at the moment. I
know how hot Ben's muscles look, as he works on my shoulders.
Every one of these guys in here wishes he was in my place
right now. All of which is so frighteningly shallow of me, I
deserve to be demeaned in public steam rooms.
(STANDING)
C'mon, Ben. I need to open my pores.
(CROSS FADE TO DARREN AND ARMANDO
SITTING IN THE HIV CLINIC WAITING ROOM.
A FEW OTHER MEN SIT IN THE AREA.)
DARREN
Thanks for coming with me, Armando. I don't think I could've
done this alone, and...who else could I call?
ARMANDO
Sure thing, baby. I have to say it was, um, surprising
running into you.
DARREN
You haven't told Melissa, have you?
ARMANDO
No, chiquito. I believe you have as much not to tell Melissa
about me as I have about you.
(A DOOR OPENS, AND A CLINICIAN ENTERS
THE WAITING ROOM, FILE IN HAND. DARREN
TENSES UP.)
CLINICIAN
BL 25.
(DARREN RELAXES AS A VERY BUFF GUY
CROSSES TO THE CLINICIAN. DARREN IS
STARING AT THE BUFF GUY INTENTLY AS HE
EXITS WITH THE CLINICIAN.)
DARREN
Oh God, I'm cruising the HIV clinic....what is wrong with me?
ARMANDO
Not to pry, Darren, but have you done many of those...
extravaganzas?
DARREN
(WHISPERING, AGITATED)
I've never done anything like that before in my life. I can't
believe it! I can't believe it!
ARMANDO
Shhhh.... Cálmate, baby. I don't want to make you feel worse,
but it's best to use a rubber for the fucking.
DARREN
(ABOUT TO CRY)
Tell me about it.
(THE DOOR OPENS AGAIN. THE CLINICIAN
HAS ANOTHER FILE.)
DARREN
(TO ARMANDO)
I can't remember the code you gave them for me....
ARMANDO
I tried to make it an easy one...
CLINICIAN
NC 17.
(DARREN LOOKS SHEEPISHLY AT ARMANDO,
WHO GIVES HIM A SUPPORTIVE SMILE.
DARREN GETS UP AND EXITS WITH THE
CLINICIAN. CROSS FADE TO CHAD AND ROB
IN CHAD'S ROOM.)
CHAD
Three appointments, and all three of 'em gave me blowjobs!
ROB
Gahh!! And you're complaining?
CHAD
I want to be a masseur, not a whore...I just don't know if
there's a difference in West Hollywood!
ROB
Well, you don't let guys fuck you without a rubber, right?
CHAD
(WONDERING WHERE HE'S GOING)
Yeeees...?
ROB
So aren't you always saying that you get to set your own
boundaries in life?
CHAD
(SELF-DEPRECATING)
My God, I'm wise!
ROB
So, can't this be another boundary?
CHAD
I certainly hope so...
(CROSS FADE TO STEAM ROOM. BEN AND
JEREMY STAND IN THE CENTER, AMID
SEVERAL OTHER NUDE MEN.)
BEN
Grrrrrr....
JEREMY
(TO AUDIENCE)
I often find that part of me is observing my life, for future
reference. Sometimes I even do a running narrative in my head
as things are unfolding. I mean, it could become part of the
Great American Novel...or four pages in Hot Shots magazine...
(BEN HOLDS JEREMY FROM BEHIND,
WHISPERING IN HIS EAR. THE ACTION
UNFOLDS AS JEREMY DESCRIBES IT.)
BEN
Oh, baby....
JEREMY
My mind turns to how big a risk this actually might be, as
Ben's meaty hands start to feel me up front and back. Naked
guys are sitting all around, on the benches. The two on the
left are staring at Ben's hands, jerking themselves off. The
three on the right are engaged in some sort of
sucking/rubbing scenario. Doesn't anybody come to this place
just to work out?
BEN
Ooh...yeah....
JEREMY
Ben's deep voice bristles my senses as much as his five
o'clock shadow...which is more like ten o'clock, he is so
butch. I am about to tell him that we better not go any
further, when I feel his hard lawn weasel start to plow my
garden of earthly delights. I flash on the word "risk" again,
knowing that Ben's not wearing a rubber. This isn't exactly
the environment to do some assertive nagging, and we are both
positive...and all that stuff about reinfection is confusing.
I feel him go all the way up inside me, there among the
ogling sweaty bodies. Ben starts to build up a rhythm, and
I'm losing myself in the heat. One of the other guys comes up
and starts licking a nipple as another one grabs my shaft. I
am falling into the vortex, and it feels great. I move the
guy's hand off of me, and stroke with my own mounting rhythm.
There is a slight chill in the air as the door opens, and Ben
suddenly pulls out. I am alone now, but it doesn't matter. I
feel the blaze rise up inside me...erupting in a huge gush
all over the black shoes. Black shoes?
What was somebody wearing black shoes in the steam room for?
I try to catch my breath as a sick shiver spirals through my
gut.
COP
Please come with me, sir. You're under arrest.
JEREMY
Ben is somewhere in the steam, but nobody is saying anything.
(THE COP ESCORTS JEREMY OUT.)
JEREMY
Having a dick can be a real problem.
(CROSS FADE TO CHAD AND ROB IN CHAD'S
ROOM AND JUDGE MITCHELL IN HIS STUDY.)
JUDGE MITCHELL
Chad, I need to speak with you.
CHAD
Sure thing, Dad, but can it wait? I have a massage class to
get to--
JUDGE MITCHELL
No, it can't wait!
(THE SEVERITY OF HIS TONE MAKES CHAD
AND ROB REACT. THEY BOTH CROSS TO THE
STUDY.)
JUDGE MITCHELL
Rob, go to your room.
ROB
Dad, is everything--?
JUDGE MITCHELL
--Now!
(ROB EXITS. JUDGE MITCHELL, SEATED AT
HIS DESK, HANDS CHAD AN ENVELOPE.)
JUDGE MITCHELL
That's the pink slip to your car, and two thousand dollars
cash. Start a new bank account if you want, because I'm
closing yours.
CHAD
Huh? What d'you mean?
JUDGE MITCHELL
Your friend Ben called. It seems he'd like to fuck that sweet
little ass of yours...again. Get your car loaded with
whatever possessions you're claiming, and disappear. And
don't ever call.
CHAD
Dad, I can explain--
JUDGE MITCHELL
That should be enough cash to keep that "sweet little ass" of
yours off the street...though that's probably where it
belongs, you little pervert.
CHAD
Dad, please--!
JUDGE MITCHELL
Don't call me that. I'm not your father.
CHAD
I know you're angry, but--
JUDGE MITCHELL
You bet I'm angry! Angry that I ever let your sick little
gene pool infect my home!
CHAD
What...?
JUDGE MITCHELL
You're not my son...thank the heavens! You were adopted. God
only knows what kind of scum gave birth to the likes of you!
CHAD
I'm...adopted?
JUDGE MITCHELL
It was your mother's--no...my wife's dying wish that you not
be told. She wanted you to think you belonged. But you don't.
Go find the trash who's responsible for your worthless life,
and never come near this house again!
CHAD
How could this...?
JUDGE MITCHELL
I'm taking my son Rob away for one hour. Be gone before we
get back.
(JUDGE MITCHELL EXITS. CROSS FADE TO
HIV CLINIC. ARMANDO STANDS AS DARREN RE
ENTERS AND CROSSES OVER TO HIM.)
DARREN
It's official...I got the plague.
(DARREN COLLAPSES INTO ARMANDO'S ARMS,
SOBBING SILENTLY. CROSS FADE TO RANDY
AT THE PULPIT.)
RANDY
Shit happens.
END OF SCENE 4
SCENE 5
(LIGHTS STAY UP ON RANDY, WHO CONTINUES
LECTURING AS SCENE CHANGES OCCUR IN
SURROUNDING AREAS.)
RANDY (CONT'D)
I know I'm not supposed to swear 'cause we're taping this
lecture, but that's what it is. And when the shit of the
world happens, you have two choices: you can either get
tougher, or you can get softer.
(LIGHTS ALSO COME UP ON ANOTHER PULPIT,
WITH T. FRANK CRUIKSHANK ALSO IN MID
LECTURE.)
T. FRANK
This world is a battlezone! And you people, with the courage
to do the spiritual work of Bio-Dynamics, are universal
soldiers!
RANDY
I know that "getting softer" may sound like the sucker
choice....but look at the alternative.
T. FRANK
My children, half the souls out there are lost, as you
were....the other half are evil!
(CROSS FADE TO DARREN, ON HIS CELL
PHONE.)
DARREN
Hello...Mom?
(CROSS FADE TO CHAD AT ONE END OF THE
STAGE AND ROB AT THE OTHER. BOTH ARE
FIGHTING BACK TEARS. CHAD COMES UPON
ANNIE, MID-20'S, SMART AND VIVACIOUS,
SEATED AT THE ENTRYWAY TO RANDY
ANDERSON'S LECTURE. ROB WANDERS DOWN A
STREET.
AT THE OTHER END OF THE STREET, A SIGN
READS "CHURCH OF BIO-DYNAMICS" AND A
MAN [JERRY] STANDS BENEATH IT.)
CHAD
Um...I was driving by, and I saw the people. What are these
lectures about?
ANNIE
Are you okay, sweetie?
CHAD
Not exactly...um...I was just, well, evicted.
ANNIE
Oh, I'm sorry. Do you have any money?
CHAD
(REACHING INTO HIS POCKET)
Yeah...what's the admission fee?
ANNIE
No, I don't mean about that. Money to find a place to live.
CHAD
Well...yeah...I guess.
ANNIE
Well, I know I've seen ads about people who need roommates
over at The Abbey. Do you know where that is?
CHAD
(SMILING SHYLY)
Of course.
ANNIE
I sorta thought so. I'm Annie.
(THEY SHAKE HANDS.)
CHAD
I'm Chad. Thanks.
ANNIE
Pleased to meet you, Chad. Good luck with the house
hunt...and stop by for one of the lectures sometime. I think
you'll like it.
(LIGHTS DOWN ON CHAD AND ANNIE AS ROB
APPROACHES THE BIO-DYNAMICS MAN,
JERRY.)
JERRY
Are you okay?
ROB
Yeah...I'm fine.
JERRY
Maybe I can help. Have you ever heard of the Church of Bio
Dynamics?
ROB
No, I don't think so.
JERRY
Are you having troubles at home?
(ROB NODS, CHOKING BACK TEARS.)
JERRY (CONT'D)
My name's Jerry. I know we can help you. Why don't you take
our free evaluation?
(CROSS FADE TO DARREN'S MOTHER--50,
BITTER, AND SELF-ABSORBED--IN HER
APARTMENT. SHE SITS IN A CHAIR IN FRONT
OF THE T.V., COCKTAIL IN HAND, AS
DARREN ENTERS.)
DARREN'S MOTHER
Come in, Darren. Now, what is so all-fired important that you
had to rush over? You scared me.
DARREN
I'm sorry, Mom. Life is just a little rough right now, and--
DARREN'S MOTHER
Perhaps you'll realize, dear, that life is rough for me,
also. Other people have needs, too, you know.
DARREN
(JAW CLENCHING)
Of course, Mother. Have you heard from Dad lately? I'd really
like to talk with him.
DARREN'S MOTHER
Isn't that just like you! That good-for-nothing weasel
abandons us, but he'll always be your first choice!
DARREN
I didn't say that...
DARREN'S MOTHER
You idolize him and you think I'm a piece of shit!
DARREN
Mom, could you please just give me the most recent phone
number you have for him?
DARREN'S MOTHER
Have you ever stopped to wonder why your father doesn't make
sure you have it?
DARREN
Yes...yes, I have stopped to wonder. A lot.
(CROSS FADE TO MELISSA'S APARTMENT. SHE
OPENS THE DOOR TO CHAD.)
MELISSA
Are you Chad?
CHAD
Yeah. Thanks for letting me come over right away. When I saw
your "room for rent" ad at The Abbey, I figured I shouldn't
waste any time.
MELISSA
(CROSSING AWAY, COOLLY)
Come in and see the room.
(CHAD REACTS DISCREETLY TO HER CHILL,
AND FOLLOWS HER. CROSS FADE TO ROB AND
JERRY IN A ROOM, WITH JERRY BEHIND A
DESK AND ROB LETTING HIMSELF CRY
QUIETLY.)
JERRY
Gee, Rob...that's really tough. You must love your brother
very much.
ROB
Uh-huh.
JERRY
And for your father to do that...it just isn't right.
ROB
I don't think so either.
JERRY
Rob, I want you to know that I think we can help you sort
things out, find some answers. And everything you tell me
will be just between you and me.
(CROSS FADE BACK TO MELISSA AND CHAD.)
CHAD
The room seems fine. If you don't mind my saying so, you
don't exactly look like the fag hag type.
MELISSA
I don't know what that means, but I have a feeling I mind
your saying so. If you're wondering why I want a gay
roommate, it's nobody's business. Just make sure that's what
you are, and you can have the room, cheap. Deal?
CHAD
Deal.
MELISSA
There won't be any "I'm really bisexual" shit?
CHAD
Nope. Dyed-in-the-wool homo.
MELISSA
Good. Welcome to your new home. Pull out some money and I'll
get you a key.
(SHE GRABS AN OPEN BEER AND EXITS.
CROSS FADE TO COUNTY JAIL, AS JEREMY IS
RELEASED. RANDY WALKS AWAY WITH HIM.
THEY MAKE A LONG CROSS TO OFFSTAGE,
WHERE THE "CAR" IS PARKED.)
JEREMY
Thanks for bailing me out, Randy.
RANDY
Don't mention it...please...ever.
JEREMY
Randy, I didn't know who else to call.
RANDY
It's okay, Jeremy. Ministers are allowed to visit jails. It's
if we end up staying there that the tabloids have a field
day.
JEREMY
Are you still worried about being "outed" by them?
RANDY
I'm not worried...I'm just trying to keep my sexuality out of
my work. But, hell...when they refer to me as the "personal
advisor" to Cher, Bette, and Judith Light...why don't they
just say that I blow Richard Simmons?
(RANDY STOPS AND STARES AT JEREMY,
WHOSE ATTENTION HAS BEEN OFF.)
RANDY (CONT'D)
So, now do you get rid of that troglodyte?
(JEREMY LOOKS FLUSTERED.)
RANDY (CONT'D)
Oh, wipe the stunned look off your face. Just because I know
what's on your mind doesn't mean I just heard it direct from
God.... Although it doesn't mean I didn't, either.
(JEREMY STOPS SHORT, FLUSTERED AGAIN.)
RANDY
(PUSHING HIM OFFSTAGE)
Oh, get in the car, you nerd!
(CROSS FADE TO DARREN, ON THE PHONE.)
DARREN
Dad, I know it's been a long time, but please call me back
when you get this message. I really want us to talk.
END OF SCENE 5
SCENE 6
(LIGHTS UP ON CHAD, WRITING A LETTER.)
CHAD
(READING AS HE WRITES)
Dear Baby Brother. I'm sending this letter to you at the high
school, since The Judge won't be able to intercept it there.
Things are okay. I've given my first three massages, and none
of them tried to make it sexual. I don't know if that's cuz
they thought I'd start crying or cuz they thought I'd punch
'em, but the important thing is I'm managing to keep my vow
and not cross over that boundary you reminded me I know how
to set. I've also started trying to find out who my real
parents are. That's so weird to think about. By the way,
you're still stuck with me for a brother, even if I turn out
to be related to Godzilla...the real one, not the stupid new
movie one. Call me anytime you want, but not if you think he
might catch you.
(LIGHTS UP ON ROCKY AND ARMANDO'S
DINING TABLE. ROCKY AND DARREN ARE
SEATED, ARMANDO IS NEARBY ON THE
PHONE.)
DARREN
Thanks for having me over, Rocky. It means a lot to me.
ROCKY
I don't care what Melissa does, Darren. You're family.
(THEY SHARE A WARM SMILE, THEN DARREN
LOOKS AWAY.)
DARREN
(ASIDE)
Note to myself: Never let this terrific woman know you had
her fiance's cock in your mouth.
ARMANDO
(TO PHONE)
Really? Man, that's great!...Okay, then. Thanks, Seymour.
(HE HANGS UP AND JOINS THEM AT THE
TABLE.)
ROCKY
What is it, guapo?
ARMANDO
I can't believe it! They're casting the part of a Latin-lover
type for an episode of that sit-com, "Smedley," and my agent
got me an interview!
ROCKY
Armando!
DARREN
That's great, Armando!
ROCKY
This calls for champagne!
(ROCKY CROSSES OFFSTAGE.)
ARMANDO
(SOTTO)
Listen, Darren, I told Rocky about your diagnosis, but
obviously not about where I was the night it happened. Okay?
DARREN
I understand.
(ROCKY RE-ENTERS WITH CHAMPAGNE AND
GLASSES.)
ROCKY
Let's toast our successes and drown our sorrows, boys!
DARREN
Listen, Raquel, I know that Armando told you about my
problem...I hope you don't think less of me...
ROCKY
Oh, you shut UP! I could never think less of you than I
already do, mi amor.
(THERE IS A BEAT AS DARREN REALIZES HE
WAS JUST PLAYFULLY INSULTED. HE
LAUGHS.)
ROCKY (CONT'D)
There...that's the Darren I like to see. Shit happens, honey,
and you can always count on us!
DARREN
Thanks. Y'know, maybe you can help me. Since you work with
lawyers, maybe you can give me a referral.
ROCKY
You need a lawyer?
(LIGHTS UP HALF ON TREVOR AND RANDY'S
BED. TREVOR JOINS RANDY AND BEGINS
KISSING HIM.)
DARREN
I've been thinking a lot about this. All my life, I've always
gone along with what other people said or did. Well, I don't
want to go along with things this time.
ARMANDO
What do you mean, kiddo?
DARREN
I want to fight back. I know I'm responsible for getting
myself HIV positive, but...I'm not the only one responsible.
(A LOOK PASSES BETWEEN ARMANDO AND
ROCKY. IN HALF LIGHT, RANDY FLIPS
TREVOR SO THAT RANDY IS NOW ON TOP.)
ROCKY
It's funny that you mention that, Darren. Before you got
here, I was telling Armando about one of the lawyers at my
work. He's gay, and he's been looking for a case like this to
take to trial.
TREVOR
(TO RANDY)
You want to try and take it?
RANDY
Yeah. Let's go for it.
DARREN
Well...I guess we should go for it.
ARMANDO
Darren, you don't have to do anything you don't want to.
TREVOR
Randy, you don't have to do this.
RANDY
No! I want to!
DARREN
I want to! For once in my life I want to fight for myself!
ARMANDO
Bravo, dude!
(LIGHTS TO HALF ON CONTINUED PANTOMIME
ACTIVITY AT ROCKY AND ARMANDO'S
APARTMENT, AS RANDY WORKS ON STRADDLING
TREVOR.)
RANDY
Ow ow ow!
(RANDY ROLLS OFF, AND THEY LAY THERE
APART. LIGHTS TO HALF AS LIGHTS COME UP
ON JEREMY AND BEN'S APARTMENT. BEN IS
ON THE COMPUTER AS JEREMY ENTERS.)
BEN
Hey, buddy.
(LIGHTS TO HALF. UP FULL ON TREVOR AND
RANDY, WHO ARE STILL LAYING APART.)
TREVOR
It's okay.
RANDY
It is?
(THEY BEGIN TO TO MAKE LOVE AS LIGHTS
GO TO HALF. LIGHTS COME UP FULL ON
JEREMY AND BEN.)
JEREMY
Didn't you wonder where I was all night?
BEN
I figured you were mad. But I'm ready to make it all better.
(BEN APPROACHES JEREMY AND BEGINS TO
MANHANDLE HIM, MORE AND MORE
FORCEFULLY.)
JEREMY
No!
BEN
I love it when you say no...
JEREMY
No! You can't have me!
BEN
You don't mean it.
JEREMY
No!
BEN
I know what you need.
JEREMY
No!
BEN
Tell me you don't want me.
JEREMY
(AFTER A FRUSTRATED MOMENT)
No...
(LIGHTS TO HALF AS THE SEX MOUNTS HERE
AND IN RANDY AND TREVOR'S AREA. LIGHTS
UP FULL ON ROCKY AND ARMANDO'S
APARTMENT. THE DOORBELL RINGS. ARMANDO
OPENS IT AND LETS IN MELISSA.)
MELISSA
Manny, I think I lost an earring when I was here with
Abuelita...
(SEEING DARREN)
What the fuck are you doing here? This is my family!
ROCKY
(SOTTO, TO DARREN)
I'll call you tomorrow about the lawyer. And I'm glad you're
standing up for yourself.
(MOANING BECOMES LOUDER IN THE TWO SEX
AREAS.)
MELISSA
What the hell are you doing with my family?!
DARREN
Thanks for everything, you guys. It's nice to know I still
have friends.
(DARREN STANDS AS THE SEX AREAS REACH
CLIMAX.)
MELISSA
They're not your friends, Darren! They're straight people!
They have normal friends!
(SILENCE FROM THE "SPENT" SEX AREAS, AS
DARREN CROSSES PAST MELISSA TO THE
DOOR.)
DARREN
(QUIETLY)
Puta.
(HE EXITS. A BEAT OF SILENCE.)
ARMANDO
Well...Who knew Darren had picked up so much Spanish?
END OF SCENE 6
SCENE 7
(LIGHTS UP ON A GROUP OF MEN, FEATURING
THE CLINICIAN, CHAD, AND DARREN.)
CLINICIAN
Welcome to "Positively Hot and Negatively Charged," a
workshop designed to show you that sex can still be great
regardless of which side of the HIV fence you're on. Those
who didn't come as a couple, please raise your hands, so we
can partner you off.
(ONLY DARREN AND CHAD RAISE THEIR
HANDS.)
CLINICIAN
Well, that was easy!
DARREN
You look familiar to me.
CHAD
I bet you say that to all the guys you're about to become
clinically intimate with.
(CROSS FADE TO TREVOR AND RANDY'S BED.
TREVOR LEAVES A MESSAGE FOR ROCKY, WITH
RANDY ASLEEP NEXT TO HIM.)
TREVOR
Hi, Rocky. I got your message about your friend with the HIV
lawsuit. I definitely want to meet with him. Have him come to
the office tomorrow morning at eleven.
(HE HANGS UP AND HIS LIGHTS GO DOWN. AS
A CELL PHONE RINGS, LIGHTS COME UP ON
THE "POSITIVELY HOT" WORKSHOP. ALL THE
MEN ARE NAKED, IN VARIOUS POSITIONS.
CHAD IS ON A TABLE, BUTT UP. DARREN
STANDS OVER HIM, DILDO IN ONE HAND AND
CELL PHONE IN THE OTHER. WE HEAR
ROCKY'S VOICE IN V.O.)
DARREN
Hello?
ROCKY (V.O.)
Darren, honey, it's Raquel. I've got some exciting news.
DARREN
Oh?
ROCKY (V.O.)
Yeah. You've got an appointment tomorrow to meet with Trevor,
the lawyer.
DARREN
Really...?
ROCKY (V.O.)
Be at the office downtown at 11:00. I'll meet you at the
elevator. Lissen, I'll be dressed very different, so be cool.
DARREN
Different? What--?
ROCKY (V.O.)
It's very important that you--
(THE SOUND OF AN ELECTRIC VIBRATOR
STARTS UP FROM ONE OF THE MEN IN THE
BACKGROUND. ROCKY'S VOICE BREAKS UP AND
BECOMES UNINTELLIGIBLE.)
DARREN
Rocky, the signal's breaking up from some... electrical
equipment. I really gotta go. Bye.
(CROSS FADE TO JEREMY, GETTING SOME
ORANGE JUICE FROM HIS KITCHEN. THE
COMPUTER IS NEARBY.)
JEREMY
Ben is sleeping like a baby. A six-foot hairy-chested baby
with a dick like a piston.
(CROSSES NEAR THE COMPUTER)
I wonder if Endowed Lawyer is sleeping right now. I wonder if
his lover is a nice person...and if I should be feeling
guilty for flirting with his man.
(DOWNS HIS JUICE)
Aw, hell, that's not what I'm wondering! I'm really wondering
whether Endowed Lawyer has a white horse, and if he wouldn't
mind riding up and rescuing me from my pathetic life.
(CROSS FADE TO OUTSIDE MELISSA AND
CHAD'S [FORMERLY DARREN'S] APARTMENT.
DARREN IS QUITE DRUNK, AND CHAD HELPS
HIM TO THE DOOR.)
DARREN
I'm glad we went out after the, um...workshop. Gee, I'm sorry
about all the drinkees. I don't usually do that.
CHAD
That's cool, Darren. You're funny when you're drunk.
DARREN
Well, as long as you're amused. Thanks for bringing me to my
apartment. You're a pip.
(DARREN TAKES THE KEY FROM CHAD AND
OPENS THE DOOR BY ROTE.)
CHAD
Darren, this is my apartment...
(MELISSA GETS UP FROM THE COUCH.)
MELISSA
What the--?
DARREN
(EMBRACING MELISSA)
Hi honey, I'm home. Let's go to bed...that workshop made me
horny!
CHAD
What...you know each other?
MELISSA
I'm about three seconds away from the fit of the century...
DARREN
C'mon, millow out, Melloosa...Mellowssa--Oh, wait! This cute
guy is here! We can't go to bed and leave this cute guy! Hey,
Mel, let's have a three-way, waddaya say?!
(MELISSA BEGINS TO HYPERVENTILATE,
PREPARING FOR AN ENORMOUS SCREAM. CHAD
GRABS DARREN.)
CHAD
C'mon, buddy. I think we better go sleep this off at your
place!
(CHAD RUSHES DARREN OUT, CLOSING THE
DOOR. MELISSA LETS OUT A LOUD SCREAM AS
LIGHTS FADE.)
END OF SCENE 7
SCENE 8
(LIGHTS UP ON THE MORNING NEWS SET.
MALE AND FEMALE GRINNING ANCHORS ARE
BEHIND THE DESK, ALONG WITH TOM THE
ACTOR AND HIS WIFE, THE BEAUTIFUL
YVETTE. BOTH TOM AND YVETTE WEAR BLACK
BAR SUNGLASSES.)
MALE GRINNING ANCHOR
Welcome back to the Morning News. We're here with two of our
favorite stars, Tom and Yvette. Tom, why is it that we still
hear rumors about you being gay, for gosh sakes?
TOM
I have no idea, Carlos! It's an urban legend that just won't
seem to die!
YVETTE
(WITH A VERY THICK NEW ZEALAND
ACCENT)
Let me assure you, he's one-hundred percent all man!
(THEY ALL LAUGH VIVACIOUSLY. CROSS FADE
TO ARMANDO SITTING OUTSIDE AN INTERVIEW
ROOM, ALONG WITH A FEW OTHER ACTORS. HE
HAS ON A WALKMAN, LISTENING TO A RANDY
ANDERSON TAPE.)
RANDY (TAPE)
Exercises for relaxation and focus. Take a deep breath and
release. Pinpoint a negative thought as it comes up, and
allow yourself to silently utter it, with conviction. This
releases the negative thought, and allows you to proceed with
clarity and virtue.
ARMANDO
(SCREAMING)
I am so nervous I could puke up my last three meals!
(NO ONE ELSE IN THE AREA REACTS,
INDICATING HE DIDN'T SPEAK ALOUD. HE
TAKES ANOTHER DEEP BREATH, AND GETS
READY TO DO ANOTHER ONE.)
ARMANDO
(SCREAMING)
If I don't get hired for an acting job soon, I'm going to
become a pathetic, desperate loser!
(HE TAKES ANOTHER BREATH, THEN SPEAKS
SOFTLY.)
ARMANDO
There...that's better.
(THE ACTOR NEXT TO HIM RESPONDS
SUDDENLY.)
ACTOR
Huh? You say something?
(CROSS FADE TO LIGHTS UP ON DARREN
RIDING UP IN THE ELEVATOR, THINKING OUT
LOUD.)
DARREN
Deep breaths, Darren. Take it easy. Everyone here is on your
side. Be cool. Rocky is dressed differently--whatever that
means--and be cool.
(THE ELEVATOR DOORS OPEN, AND DARREN
STEPS OUT TENTATIVELY. A DIMINUTIVE
LATIN MALE MEETS HIM.)
DARREN
Hi. I'm looking for Raquel Gutierrez.
THE MAN (RAQUEL)
(TAKING HIS ARM)
You mean Rocky Gutierrez.
DARREN
(CONFUSED BY THIS GUY GRABBING
HIM)
Well...yeah.
ROCKY
Yes, Darren, you're here to see Rocky. Be cool, and just let
it sink in.
(DARREN STARES AT THIS PERSON FOR A
BEAT. DARREN'S EYES WIDEN.)
DARREN
(KNEES BUCKLING)
Rocky?!
ROCKY
I risked a lot bringing you here, honey. Now don't blow my
cover. The partners didn't hire a drag queen, and they don't
know a drag queen, you get me?
(DARREN NODS HIS HEAD, UNABLE TO
SPEAK.)
ROCKY (CONT'D)
Good boy. Now let's go meet Trevor, who's gonna help you sue
the prick off that motherfuckah!
(CROSS FADE TO ARMANDO IN THE INTERVIEW
ROOM. AN ASSISTANT OPENS THE DOOR.)
ASSISTANT
Armando Lopez?
(ARMANDO BOLTS UP FROM HIS CHAIR AND
TAKES A DEEP BREATH.)
ARMANDO
(SCREAMING)
Oh, shiiiiit!!
(TO THE ASSISTANT, CALMLY)
Yes. Thank you.
(HE ENTERS AND STANDS BEFORE A TABLE
FEATURING CONWELL WILMINGTON, A
VITRIOLIC, PSEUDO-BRIT WITH A BAD
HAIRPIECE.)
CONWELL
Right...welcome, Armando. What have you got for us today?
ARMANDO
(SCREAM)
Get your eyes above my crotch, you pinche little worm!
(TO CONWELL, GRACIOUSLY)
Well, I've got the sides you sent me to prepare.
CONWELL
And I simply can't wait to hear it!
ARMANDO
(SCREAM)
I simply can't wait for you to die, you stupid fucking
maric—n!
(TO CONWELL, CALMLY)
Please let me say how much I appreciate the opportunity to
read for you. If I could just take a moment to prepare.
(CROSS FADE TO OUTSIDE THE DOORWAY OF
TREVOR'S OFFICE. ROCKY AND DARREN
APPROACH.)
ROCKY
Okay, Darren, Trevor's the kind of lawyer you want on your
side...a real pit bull, y'know?
(DARREN JUST STARES AT HIM/HER.)
ROCKY
Darren, sweetie, I know it's a shock.
DARREN
A...shock? Raquel...you're a guy!
ROCKY
Please, honey. It's "Rocky" at the office.
DARREN
Oh, yeah. Sorry...wait a second! Why am I sorry? You're the
one who's been lying all these months!
(ROCKY USHERS DARREN TO A NEARBY
BENCH.)
ROCKY
I'm glad you're not sorry, Darren. That's a good sign. If you
ask me, you've been apologizing for way more than your share.
Especially with that piece-of-work puta sister of Armando's!
(REACHING TO ADJUST SHORTS)
Cabr—n! It's funny how everything's fine when it's strapped
down and in panties. But put me in shorts and a suit, and I'm
riding up like Roy Rogers on Trigger!
DARREN
Rocky, I can't believe you weren't straight with me.
ROCKY
Honey, I couldn't be straight without making Armando gay. And
how would that look?!
DARREN
Oh, so big deal, Armando would be outed. Like there aren't
gay waiter/actors!
ROCKY
It's not that, kiddo. It's his family. You know he can't
disappoint abuelita. Not to mention the coronary Melissa
would have! But listen, right now we've got to introduce you
to Trevor. He's a great guy and, for what it's worth, I hear
he has a very big dick.
DARREN
(AS ROCKY HELPS HIM STAND)
Great. I'm about to meet a pit-bull gay lawyer with a big
dick, escorted by someone who isn't supposed to have one at
all.
(CROSS FADE TO THE AUDITION. ARMANDO
HAS JUST FINISHED READING.)
CONWELL
Thank you, Armando. That's all we need to see today.
(ARMANDO SMILES WEAKLY, AND TURNS TO
LEAVE, CHANTING TO HIMSELF.)
ARMANDO
I surrender the outcome of this to the Highest Will of the
Universe.
(HE GOES OUT THE DOOR.
CLOSING IT:)
Surrender, my ass...I want this!
(CROSS FADE TO CHAD, ON THE PHONE. HE
IS LEAVING A MESSAGE.)
CHAD
Um...hi. I know this call may be a shock, and comes out of
the blue, but I've just learned that I'm adopted, and, well,
I think you may be my mother. Will you, um, please give me a
call when you get a chance? Um...thank you.
(CROSS FADE TO TREVOR, BEHIND HIS DESK.
ROCKY AND DARREN ENTER.)
ROCKY
Trevor, I want you to meet the friend I was telling you
about. This is Darren Jones.
TREVOR
(EXTENDING HIS HAND ACROSS THE
DESK)
Mr. Jones, very happy to meet you.
DARREN
Thanks...it's "Darren."
(AS THEY SHAKE)
Note to self: If there's a way that really-big-dicked guys
shake hands, this is probably it.
ROCKY
(EXITING)
I'll leave you two alone.
TREVOR
Darren, Rocky's told me about your situation, and I think we
may have a case. But I'm gonna have to know every single
detail about the night in question.
DARREN
Um...every...detail?
TREVOR
Are you ready to nail this bastard, Darren?
DARREN
Uh...yeah.
(CROSS FADE TO MELISSA'S LIVING ROOM.
SHE IS IN FRONT OF THE TELEVISION,
GETTING QUITE DRUNK. CHAD ENTERS WITH
HIS FOLDED-UP MASSAGE TABLE AND DUFFLE
BAG. THEY STARE AT EACH OTHER FOR A
BEAT.)
CHAD
I've got a massage to give. I don't know when I'll be back.
MELISSA
Thanks, but I don't need a blow-by-blow on your massages.
Especially if it's Darren Jones you're blowing.
CHAD
If you must know, nothing happened last night. Darren was too
-
MELISSA
Oh, but I mustn't know...ever! Understand?
(SHE LETS OUT A SHUDDER OF DISGUST. HE
SHAKES HIS HEAD, DECIDING NOT TO GET
INTO IT. HE OPENS THE DOOR JUST AS
DARREN'S MOTHER IS ABOUT TO KNOCK.)
DARREN'S MOTHER
(FLUSTERED)
Oh...hello! Is Darren here?
CHAD
(EXITING PAST HER)
No, lady...Darren is definitely not here!
MELISSA
(STAGGERING TO THE DOOR)
Well, if it isn't Darren's mommy!
DARREN'S MOTHER
Hello, Melissa. I'd like to see Darren. He isn't home?
MELISSA
Well, it seems like Darren hasn't been keeping you up to
speed, Moo-moo. Why don't you come in for a little drinkie,
and I'll fill you in on Sonny-boy?
END OF SCENE 8
SCENE 9
(PINSPOT ON CHAD.)
CHAD
(ON THE PHONE)
Yeah, this is Chuck...where did you see my ad? Uh-huh...No,
I've never done a massage in an office building before, but
I'd be happy to... Today is Saturday, though....You're sure I
won't have a problem getting in?...Okay...
(CROSS FADE TO SPOT ON TREVOR.)
TREVOR
(ON THE PHONE)
Darren, give me a call when you get in. It's time I spread
some of our case to the media. I know you might feel a little
anxious about this, but it's important we get aggressive.
Trust me on this.
(CROSS FADE TO SPOT ON CONWELL.)
CONWELL
(ON THE PHONE)
Armando, yes, this is Conwell Wilmington. I need you to come
to my home in Bel Air right away. There's something very
important about the "Smedley" role that I need to discuss
with you.
(CROSS FADE TO OFFICE BUILDING
ELEVATOR. THE DOOR OPENS AND CHAD GETS
ON WITH HIS TABLE AND BAG, COUNTING
SOME CASH.)
CHAD
An extra twenty on top of my normal outcall rate, plus a
tip...and no fighting off passes from Mr. CEO. Kewl. Wonder
how many other business guys want to get rubbed naked in
their boardrooms when nobody's around...I should tap into
this.
(TREVOR GETS ON THE ELEVATOR, BRIEFCASE
IN HAND. THERE IS A STARE/FLIRT BETWEEN
THEM, THEN GLANCES AVERTED.)
TREVOR
You're either a masseur, or you need to lie down a lot.
(THEY LOOK AT EACH OTHER AGAIN. CHAD
BEGINS TO LAUGH, TREVOR ALONG WITH HIM.
SUDDENLY THERE IS THE SOUND EFFECT OF A
THUD AND THE LIGHTS GO OUT, REPLACED BY
AN EMERGENCY GLOW LIGHT.)
(GLOW LIGHT UP ON DARREN AT HIS
MOTHER'S DOOR, OPENING IT.)
DARREN
Mother?! What happened? I just put the key in the lock, and
the lights went out. Are you okay?
DARREN'S MOTHER
(VOICE FROM THE DARKNESS)
I didn't raise a queer!
DARREN
(TO HIMSELF)
Oh, God...
(TO HER)
Mother, I don't know what you heard, but did you attack the
fuse box because of it?
DARREN'S MOTHER
No! It must be a blackout! But it certainly is appropriate,
because this is the darkest day of my life!
DARREN
(MUMBLING)
Yeah, yeah, yeah...Like my life ever had any impact on you,
you sauced-up bitch!
DARREN'S MOTHER
What did you say?!
DARREN
(INSTANTLY RESPECTFUL)
Coming, mother. Let's see if we can't restore some order
around here.
(LIGHTS OUT ON DARREN AND MOTHER. GLOW
LIGHTS BUMP UP A NOTCH ON TREVOR AND
CHAD IN ELEVATOR. TREVOR IS HANGING UP
HIS CELL PHONE.)
TREVOR
Apparently, it's a blackout along the whole West Coast. I
think we're gonna be here for a while.
CHAD
Oh. I'm not a fan of enclosed, dark spaces.
TREVOR
Yeah. I haven't liked 'em since I was scared by this one
Gigantor cartoon when I was a kid.
CHAD
What kind of cartoon?
TREVOR
Never mind. From a long time ago.
(GLOW LIGHTS BACK TO HALF AS LIGHTS UP
ON CONWELL'S LIVING ROOM, BATHED IN
CANDLE LIGHT. THERE IS A VIDEO CAMERA
SET UP NEAR THE COUCH. ARMANDO
TENTATIVELY ENTERS THROUGH THE DOOR,
WHICH IS AJAR. CONWELL, IN A RED SATIN
ROBE AND HOLDING A BRANDY SNIFTER, IS
DRAPED ACROSS THE COUCH.)
CONWELL
Ah, Armando. Do come in.
(ARMANDO ENTERS, STONE-FACED.)
CONWELL (CONT'D)
Well, you made very good time, considering the brown-out. Or
is "brown-out" an insensitive term in today's PC environment?
(ARMANDO STILL CONTINUES TO STARE.)
CONWELL (CONT'D)
Armando, I think you've got something special. And to be
honest, the casting is down to you and one other man.
ARMANDO
Really? But that's great!
CONWELL
Yes, my dear boy, it truly is nearly cause to celebrate.
(CROSSING NEAR THE VIDEO CAMERA)
But the truth is, I really need to see
a little more of you on tape.
(CONWELL PICKS UP A BOX AND PULLS OUT A
VERY LARGE DILDO.)
CONWELL
Now, lovey, have I told you how close you are to getting this
part?
(CROSS FADE TO MELISSA'S APARTMENT, LIT
BY FLASHLIGHT. THERE IS A LOUD,
PERSISTENT KNOCKING. SHE STUMBLES TO
THE DOOR, TIPSY, AND A FURIOUS DARREN
BURSTS IN.)
DARREN
You actually told my mother I'm a fag?!
MELISSA
If the shoe fits...
DARREN
You cunt!
MELISSA
Shut up! You know I hate that word!
DARREN
Ooh, I really ought to be more sensitive, oughtn't I?!
MELISSA
(GETTING NERVOUS)
Darren, I've never seen you act this way...
DARREN
You like it, bitch?! I spent two fucking years being good to
you, but maybe this is what you've been waiting for your
whole pathetic life...somebody to treat you like shit and
ravage you!
(DARREN RIPS THE FRONT OF MELISSA'S
BLOUSE, POPPING OPEN THE BUTTONS. HE
THROWS HER DOWN ON THE COUCH, AND
STARTS TO REACH INSIDE HER PANTIES. HER
BREATH QUICKENS, BUT SHE DOESN'T DO
ANYTHING TO STOP HIM. HE SUDDENLY LIFTS
OFF OF HER.)
DARREN
Oh, darn, I forgot! I can't fuck you right now...I've got
HIV! Silly me to forget all about that!
MELISSA
What?
DARREN
You heard me. Now you've got a prime secret to blurt out to
someone inappropriate!
MELISSA
You've really got...HIV?
DARREN
Yeah. And you know what? I'm not telling you when I got it!
It might've been after we split up, or maybe it was before!
So why don't you sweat it out for a while. Bitch!
(DARREN SLAMS OUT OF THE APARTMENT.
CROSS FADE TO CONWELL'S HOME. CONWELL,
ON THE COUCH, WIGGLES THE DILDO
JAUNTILY.)
CONWELL
This really could be your big break...
ARMANDO
I oughta show you what to do with that thing!
(ARMANDO GRABS A FIREPLACE POKER AND
HOLDS IT SAVAGELY, CONWELL FLINCHING
WITH ANXIOUS EXCITEMENT. BLACKOUT ON
ARMANDO AND CONWELL. ALL OTHER STAGE
AREAS CLEAR AS GLOW LIGHTS UP FULL ON
TREVOR AND CHAD IN THE ELEVATOR.)
TREVOR
How much you charge for a massage?
CHAD
Sixty for an out call.
TREVOR
Have you got this hour booked? I think I could really use
one.
CHAD
(AFTER THINKING FOR A BEAT)
Okay.
(CHAD BEGINS TO OPEN THE TABLE.)
CHAD
Wanna start taking your clothes off while I set up?
TREVOR
Okay.
(TREVOR BEGINS TO STRIP, AS CHAD SETS
UP THE TABLE. AS TREVOR IS DOWN TO HIS
UNDERWEAR, CHAD BEGINS TO REMOVE HIS
SHIRT AND SHORTS, REVEALING A TANK TOP
AND BOXERS UNDERNEATH. THERE IS
CHEMISTRY AS THEY FACE EACH OTHER,
TAKING CLOTHES OFF INCHES AWAY FROM
EACH OTHER.)
CHAD
I work better with less on.
TREVOR
I understand. Shall I take everything off?
CHAD
Sure. And hop on up.
(TREVOR GETS ON THE TABLE, FACE DOWN.
CHAD BEGINS TO POUR MASSAGE OIL ON HIS
BACK.)
CHAD
So...my name is Chuck.
TREVOR
Hi. Mine's...Tracy.
CHAD
Hi, Tracy.
TREVOR
You ever heard of a show called "Please Don't Eat the
Daisies"?
CHAD
No. Why?
TREVOR
Oh...no reason. So...I bet clients must hit on you all the
time, huh?
CHAD
Sometimes. They usually ask me that question if they're
planning to.
(TREVOR LETS OUT A HEARTY LAUGH.)
TREVOR
Very astute observation, I'm sure. But I haven't hit on
anybody in the four years that my lover and I have been
together.
CHAD
Congratulations.
TREVOR
So do any of the horndogs who come on to you get to complete
their passes?
CHAD
You're either a cop or a lawyer.
TREVOR
Why do you say that?
CHAD
Because a cop would be asking all these questions to entrap
me, and a lawyer would be asking all these questions because
he can't keep from asking questions.
TREVOR
You're way too smart for someone too young to remember good
T.V. I'm a lawyer.
CHAD
Thought so.
TREVOR
But I wasn't even wearing a suit today.
CHAD
You were cross-examining me with your eyes when you got on
the elevator.
TREVOR
Sorry.
CHAD
No problem. I kind of enjoyed it.
TREVOR
Ohhhh....that feels great.
CHAD
Why don't you turn over and let me get a different angle on
your neck.
(TREVOR TURNS OVER. IT IS OBSCURED TO
THE AUDIENCE, BUT HE APPARENTLY HAS
QUITE AN ERECTION.)
CHAD
Wow.
TREVOR
My neck's up here.
CHAD
Just give me a minute to recover.
TREVOR
You're making me self-conscious. I'm sure guys sometimes get
hard on your table, right?
CHAD
Sure. Hey, don't be self-conscious, you've made my eyes very
happy. Too bad about my vow.
TREVOR
Your...vow?
CHAD
Well, you're a lawyer...tell me this. If a masseur were to
fulfill a client's request for sex, he'd be considered a
prostitute, right?
TREVOR
Well...yeah.
CHAD
But what if a masseur just freely decided to engage in sexual
activity with an interested man, who just happened to have
been a client?
TREVOR
(STARTING TO BREATHE HEAVIER)
That would be a completely innocent situation. The court
would have no problem with that whatsoever.
(CHAD PULLS HIS CLOTHES OFF AND GRABS A
CONDOM FROM HIS DUFFEL BAG. HE CLIMBS
UP ON THE TABLE, AND BEGINS TO STRADDLE
TREVOR. THEIR ARDOR AND RHYTHM IS
MOUNTING, AND SUDDENLY THERE IS ANOTHER
SOUND EFFECT AND A JERK, AS THE LIGHTS
COME UP FULL AND THE ELEVATOR BEGINS
MOVING. TREVOR AND CHAD ARE TOO CLOSE
TO CLIMAX TO RESPOND. SUDDENLY THE
ELEVATOR DOORS OPEN, WITH A SMALL CROWD
OF PEOPLE WAITING FOR THE ELEVATOR.
TREVOR AND CHAD BOTH REACH ORGASM JUST
AS THE DOORS OPEN. AFTER A MOMENT THEY
SEE THE CROWD.)
TREVOR
(SHIELDING HIS FACE AND HITTING
A BUTTON)
Please wait for the next elevator. This one's, um, being
serviced.
(THE DOORS CLOSE AGAIN, AND CHAD
COLLAPSES ON TREVOR'S CHEST.)
END OF ACT I