The Mama Rose Pool - Script Excerpt
The Mama Rose Pool
by
Scott Patrick Wagner
Excerpt
ACT ONE
SCENE 1
Stage is divided unequally into two
parts: the large inner "holding room"
and the small outer office.
Lights up on the outer office. KEITH,
20s, good looking but timid, sits at
the desk as the phone rings.
KEITH
(answering the phone)
Hello, Mama Rose Pool...Yes...What dates were you looking
for?...
(he begins to take notes)
Uh-huh...and what type of Mama Rose?...I'm sorry, Esther
isn't available for those dates. Might I suggest Gemma? She
is quite strong, in a more--ladylike way...Oh...sure...
Antoinette--I just didn't think you were going in that
direction. Yes, she's a seat filler.
Lights up in the inner room, revealing
TINA, 50s, a somewhat overweight and
neurotic, Method actress, and
ANTOINETTE, 50s, shapely and sexy with
pouty lips and a sensational mane of
hair.
Antoinette is doing some kind of
contortion against a wall, looking
borderline pornographic and sounding
even more so with her breathing. Tina
watches aghast.
TINA
What exactly the hell are you doing?
ANTOINETTE
These are called Kiegel exercises. They help keep me tight
in places where it's helpful to be tight.
TINA
Drop a kid or two...see how much help Mr. Kiegel is then.
ANTOINETTE
When I hear all the complaining you women do about your
children, I have no regrets about not dropping any.
ESTHER, late 50s, brassy and Merman-y,
enters from an upstage door. She
notices Antoinette's movements.
ESTHER
What the fuck are you doin'?
TINA
Kiegel.
ESTHER
That don't look like any kugel I ever made!
TINA
Not kugel...Kiegel.
ESTHER
My kids used ta tell me my noodle kugel was the best in the
neighborhood. A real Passover crowd pleaser, I tell ya.
A wing chair, which has been facing
upstage, suddenly swivels around
revealing GEMMA--50s, refined and with
some vague British accent--holding an
ice bag to her brow.
GEMMA
Esther, will you please keep the boisterous ethnicity down a
few decibels, there's a dear.
ESTHER
Oh look! The Queen of the May has a hangover again. My God,
Gem, waddaya do, drink till ya put out, or drink to sterilize
your hoochie afterward?
GEMMA
The name is GemMA...Gem-MA. Not "Gem."
TINA
That's all you're upset about? She just called you a major
slut.
GEMMA
Oh...is that what "hoochie" means.
ANTOINETTE
Yes. It has a name, Gemma.
GEMMA
Well....Esther...I suppose I'd retort with something about
your hoochie, if it hadn't already turned to dust.
Antoinette and Tina ad-lib "ooh"s and
"good one"s over Gemma's slam.
Esther looks like she's going to be
angry. Then she breaks into a big,
loud, belly laugh.
ESTHER
Good one, ya ol' tart!
GEMMA
(holding her head)
Esther, please...
Keith enters from the door to the outer
office.
KEITH
Ladies, I have a work order.
The women go silent, rapt attention to
Keith. This is clearly important to
them.
KEITH (CONT'D)
For Antoinette.
The other women cover up
disappointment. Antoinette lets out a
breathy little squeal.
ANTOINETTE
Where's the production being done, Keithy?
KEITH
Reno.
ANTOINETTE
This isn't another one of those Hooters productions, is it?
KEITH
No, Antoinette.
ANTOINETTE
It boggles my mind that they even got the rights to the show.
TINA
(ironic)
Gee...a second act with strippers. What could a Hooters
audience possibly like about that?
ANTOINETTE
And the cuts they wanted to make! Straight from the cow
number to the burlesque sequence.
GEMMA
Wow. You lose three big numbers with that cut.
ANTOINETTE
Not this girl. I got 'em to keep in two outta three.
ESTHER
How'd ya do that, honey?
ANTOINETTE
I can be persuasive...and tight.
TINA
Ick.
ESTHER
I don't follow ya...
TINA
Esther, how many hoochies does it take to screw in a light
bulb?
ANTOINETTE
She's only speaking figuratively. I don't do light
bulbs...or producers, for that matter. You bitches just
can't believe I get work without debasing myself.
TINA
If the Kiegel fits...
ANTOINETTE
It's insulting and it's chauvinistic.
GEMMA
Antoinette, I believe your trenchant feminism is at odds with
your breathless sexy-poo persona. You're speaking out of
both sides of your hoochie.
TINA
Boy, teach a girl a new word...
ANTOINETTE
(to Esther)
What does "trenchant" mean?
ESTHER
I dunno, kid. Maybe it's like a trenchcoat. She want you to
keep yer hoochie covered.
KEITH
Um...
The women look at Keith, who is rather
embarrassed by the conversation.
TINA
Oh, Keith...we forgot you were still in the room.
GEMMA
Sorry if all this talk of hoochie is embarrassing for you.
KEITH
Oh...it's nothing I haven't heard before.
ESTHER
Now if we could only get ya to try one, palsy--
GEMMA
Esther, that is crass!
ANTOINETTE
Leave my little Keithy alone, you hag!
TINA
Well, you don't know you don't like eggplant unless you try
eggplant...
All stop and look at Tina.
TINA (CONT'D)
Bad metaphor?
KEITH
(even more flustered)
In any event, I wanted to remind you that a new actress will
be joining the pool today.
ESTHER
What? Who? Huh?
TINA
I didn't get that memo, honey.
KEITH
Oh, right...I never sent it. I figured one explosion would
be better than two.
TINA
Explosion? Why did you think there'd be an explosion about
this, Keith?
KEITH
Well, because of the particular actress in question...
GEMMA
What "particular actress" is in question, Keith?
ESTHER
Yeah, kid, who's the tramp yer saddlin' us with?
KEITH
Well, she's from TV.
GEMMA
Television!
KEITH
Actually, daytime...
TINA
Soap operas!
KEITH
You know, I think you're all gonna get along just great!
She's just taken a leave of absence from playing Cassandra
Crane on "Hunt for Happiness"--
ANTOINETTE
The vixen?!
TINA
With all the plastic surgery?
ESTHER
That cunt!
Suddenly, ERIKA--pushing 60 but eerily
looking not a day over 40-ish--makes a
glamorous entrance.
ERIKA
Hello, everybody!
KEITH
Ladies, allow me to introduce our newest Mama Rose...Erika
Reed!
The four women all ad-lib very friendly
sounding 'Oh, hi!" and "Wonderful to
meet you!" etc.
TINA
Gee, Erika...I didn't know you were a musical theater
performer.
ERIKA
Well...gosh...you know...I've always loved to sing. And
maybe you read about that week where Kathy Lee Gifford took
ill doing "Fiddler on the Roof" at the Burt Reynolds dinner
theater, and I filled in for her.
GEMMA
(veiled sarcasm)
What a part, huh?
ERIKA
Oh, my...it was wonderful! The local papers called me "Solid
Golde"!
ESTHER
Ya played a Jew, huh?
ERIKA
Oh, the opportunity to stretch ourselves beyond our normal
boundaries...isn't that the magic of the theater?
ESTHER
Yeah, there's such a lack of Jews in show business, it's no
wonder they needed you for "Fiddler."
ERIKA
Well...hmmm...I'm sorry that I wasn't born into the
wonderful, rich religion that it seems you were--
TINA
Oh, don't worry about her, Erika. She doesn't hate Gentiles.
She hates soap actresses.
ESTHER
Cunts, all of 'em.
ERIKA
My...is that how the rest of you feel?
The other women look at each other.
Beat. Then all ad-lib "Yeah," "pretty
much," "uh-huh," etc.
ANTOINETTE
Erika, I don't really have anything against soap actresses.
It's just the work...
ERIKA
I know! It's really hard work! Sometimes forty pages of
dialogue in a single day!
ANTOINETTE
No...I meant the work you've had done. Your face is
stretched tighter than Tina's sphincter.
ERIKA
I beg your pardon!
TINA
Excuse me, but are you calling me anal retentive?
ANTOINETTE
Let's just say, dear, that tightness is more appealing in the
front...than in the back.
TINA
From what I've heard, you're not choosy about which side you
take it.
ERIKA
Pardon me, but I'd like an apology--
ANTOINETTE
At least I still prefer the taste of beef...
TINA
And what are you implying with--?
ERIKA
I believe I've been insulted, and I want--
ANTOINETTE
I prefer it to the taste of fish, is all I'm saying.
ESTHER
(to Erika, about Tina)
Dyke, ya know.
GEMMA
Oh, how this day has devolved!
Suddenly, JERRY LOGAN comes bursting
through the reception area, past Keith,
and into the inner office. He has an
unlit cigar in his mouth and is very
much the old-style New York producer.
JERRY
Hello, ladies!
The women instantly stop their
catfighting, deferring to Jerry.
JERRY (CONT'D)
I see you've all had the chance to meet Erika. Great gal,
isn't she?
Mumbled, unenthusiastic attempts at
"yeah," "you bet" from the women.
ERIKA
Jerry, you know me...I'm not a quitter. But I'm not so sure
this is a good fit. I took a leave of absence from the soap
to challenge myself...not to enter a snake pit.
JERRY
Waddaya mean, doll? Don't you wanna play Rose?
ERIKA
Oh, more than anything! It's just that--
JERRY
Well, I hope you wanna play Rose, cuz I've got you booked for
three runs already!
TINA
What?
GEMMA
What?
ESTHER
What the fuck?
ERIKA
Really? I don't know what to say!
ESTHER
Well I do! Were any of those bookings supposed to be mine?
JERRY
No, Esther. Two of these are brand-new jobs.
ANTOINETTE
And the third?
JERRY
Well, when Staten Island Civic Light Opera found out we had
Erika Reed--
TINA
Staten Island!? That's always been my gig!
JERRY
Sorry, princess. This is free enterprise here. They're
paying an extra forty percent this season to have cunning
vixen Cassandra What's-her-name play their Mama Rose!
TINA
Jerry--!
ERIKA
Jerry, I don't want to take food out of her mouth...
There is an uneasy silence as everyone
avoids looking at Tina's overweight
frame.
GEMMA
There's an easy joke here, but I'm not going to make it.
ESTHER
Huh? What're ya talkin' about, Gem?
ERIKA
Jerry, I mean it. I don't want to take food out of her
mouth.
ESTHER
(as if from a deep, vaudeville
place)
Well, it's about time somebody did!
The other women throw their arms up; so
much for taking the high road.
JERRY
It's a done deal, gals. Keith'll have three contracts for
you to sign in the morning, Erika. And it looks like we just
raised the bar for you other shining stars!
Jerry turns and exits, as much the
whirlwind as he entered.
JERRY (CONT'D)
Afternoon, ladies!
He exits. The women are staring daggers
at Erika, who is holding her own.
Keith enters.
KEITH
I'd like to get some information--
Keith stops dead as he notices the vibe
in the air.
KEITH (CONT'D)
Okay, later.
He turns tail and rushes out.
Erika and the other women circle around
each other warily.
ERIKA
When I first heard about your...organization, I thought to
myself, "A group of actresses who do nothing but play one
role in one show, over and over again?" Now, granted, I've
been playing the same role on "Hunt for Happiness" for about
forty fucking years...but at least I have different lines
every day! I thought to myself, "Wouldn't it get boring just
doing the same show? Wouldn't it make those women mean and
bitter?"
ESTHER
I'll tell ya what makes me bitter, honey. It's some TV
actress thinkin' she can just step foot on a stage and do
what I've spent my whole career working on.
ERIKA
So that means nobody is ever allowed to learn how to do this?
To become better?
TINA
Erika, you've already learned to do what you do, and very
well, I might add.
ERIKA
Why, thank you.
TINA
Don't mention it. And if I ever want lessons how to pull my
face so tight I'm smiling out of my butt, and read lines from
a teleprompter while I worry about how my hair looks, you're
the first person I'll call.
ERIKA
Well...
(motioning with her hands to
indicate she doesn't know
Tina's name)
TINA
Tina.
ERIKA
...Tina. If I were you, I'd certainly worry about how
something looks. And if I had that butt, it wouldn't be
smiling.
TINA
Bitch.
ERIKA
(suddenly scarily focused)
Yes. I can be a bitch. I've done it on TV for four decades,
and believe me, a little of it has rubbed off. And I can see
that more than a little of this Mama Rose character has
rubbed off on you frustrated, desperate harpies. Now, I
suggest you all try channeling some of Rose's more charming
qualities, because I think you'll like dealing with Nice
Erika much more than you'll like facing Evil Erika.
There is a pregnant pause as the threat
settles.
Then:
ESTHER
Aw, fuck off.
And the four women blow Erika off,
going about their own business.
Erika plops down in a chair, surprised.
LIGHTS FADE DOWN as Christmas music
begins to play, perhaps Perry Como
singing something jaunty.
SCENE 2
LIGHTS UP on outer office. Keith is on
the phone, as he tries to hang some
holly up on the wall.
KEITH
Yes...that's right...I'm afraid Erika--yes, that's the real
name of Cassandra from "Hunt for Happiness"--she's completely
booked through the holiday season, and well into March. But
we do have some other wonderful Mama Roses to choose from-
Hello?
Keith has apparently been hung up on.
KEITH (CONT'D)
(to phone, as he hangs up)
Well, ho ho ho!
Jerry enters.
JERRY
Keith, are the women all here?
KEITH
Yes, Mr. Logan. They're all ready for your meeting.
JERRY
Well, you're involved too, so--
KEITH
Me?
JERRY
Yes, you. So turn on the answering machine and follow me in.
KEITH
O-okay.
LIGHTS UP on the inner office as Jerry
open the door. The five women are all
in attendance (dressed differently than
before), and there are some pathetic
Christmas decorations hung half
heartedly.
JERRY
Hello, ladies.
Ad-lib greetings from the women.
ANTOINETTE
You look very handsome today, honey.
JERRY
Why thank you, Antoinette.
ERIKA
Oh, brother.
GEMMA
Jerry, it's certainly unusual for you to call a meeting like
this. I hope it means that Santa has come with presents.
JERRY
Sorry, Gemma, it's more like the Grinch.
TINA
And foreshadowing doesn't get much clearer than that.
JERRY
Let me get right to the point, ladies. I thought bringing
Erika on board would just increase demand for everyone's
services, and grow this company. Unfortunately, things seem
to have dipped.
ESTHER
Dipped?
JERRY
Well, not everywhere. Erika has blown my expectations way
outta the water, God bless her.
ERIKA
Well, thank you, Jerry.
JERRY
But it seems that business in general has declined. This
pool apparently can't hold five. So one of you is gonna have
to go.
Ad-lib reaction from women.
JERRY (CONT'D)
I'm sorry, but that's the way it's gotta be.
TINA
Wh-who are you canning, Jerry?
JERRY
Well, here's how I look at it. I'm not here for the day-to
day running of this place, so I don't really have the inside
poop. That's why I've decided to let Keith choose which of
you needs to leave.
TINA
What?
GEMMA
What?
ESTHER
What the fuck?
KEITH
Huh?! Me?
JERRY
Yeah. What is it...December tenth? Have your decision to me
by the first of the year. Happy new year, everybody!
Jerry whirlwinds out, leaving stunned
faces in his wake.
The women turn to look at Keith.
Slowly, Keith's "body English" changes
from subordinate to standing tall. He
walks assuredly out of the office, as
the women look after him.
LIGHTS DOWN as a song about the
mercenary aspects of Christmas comes up
(perhaps Alvin and the Chipmunks
singing "Me, I want a hula hoop...").
SCENE 3
LIGHTS UP on Keith's outer office. (He
is not onstage.) His desk and the
surrounding areas are piled high with
presents, no doubt from four or five
desperate women.
LIGHTS UP on Antoinette in the inner
office. She is on the phone. She looks
around surreptitiously, making sure
she's not being overheard.
ANTOINETTE
(to phone)
...Marco, I consider you a dear friend, every bit as much as
I think of you as the best hair and makeup guy in the
country....Yes, of course I need a favor, but that doesn't
mean it's not true, sweetie....Look, I don't think you're
going to mind this at all, seeing as how your preference is
for those with man-parts....No, he's really pretty cute, in a
Clark Kent sort of way....Yes, Marco, pull off his glasses
and he's a man of steel, I'm sure....Well, if he's faster
than a speeding bullet, it would only be because you got him
too excited, you sexy beast....That's more information than I
have, Marco....That's more information than I need,
Marco....He's going to decide if I keep my job or not, so I
need you to make him think--pleasantly about me....Yes,
Marco, seduce him like Mata Hari....No, I don't know if he's
hairy. You're free associating, sweetie, and it's wigging me
out....Just drop by and meet him, I'm sure you'll rise to the
occasion, don't go there. Okay, goodbye.
Antoinette rifles through a desk
drawer.
ANTOINETTE
Where is the freakin' bathroom key?
(she finds it)
Oh, good.
Antoinette exits through one door. A
beat later another door--that appeared
to be closed--opens wide and Esther
enters. She moves determinedly to the
phone and dials.
ESTHER
(to phone)
Hello, Nathan?...Yes, how's Helen and the kids?...That's
good, honey. Listen, there's a guy here at work who's gonna
be deciding which one of us gets fired. He's about 30, cute,
and gay as a three-dollar jaybird. I need you to seduce
him....Yes, I know you're not gay. I am your mother, young
man. Have I ever asked you for anything?...Well, who told
you to become a rabbi? It sure wasn't my idea!...Listen to
me, you little pisher, I know for a fact there's no
rabbinical law against doing this for your mother! If I lose
my job, it's on your head!
She hangs up the phone emphatically.
Then, as an afterthought, looks around
to make sure no one was listening.
Satisfied, she makes her way out one
door.
A beat later, Tina opens up another
door quietly, having been
eavesdropping.
She rushes to the phone and dials.
TINA
(to phone)
Hello, Sydney?...Yes, I need a big favor, sweetheart....Oh,
aren't you sweet? "Anything for me." You're such a
dear....Yes, it's not a big thing, just seduce Keith, who may
fire my ass if you don't....No, I'm not high, honey....No,
I'm not suggesting you break our vow of monogamy, sweetheart.
But if it saves my job, I won't tell the Vow Police if you
don't. Just do what you can, okay?
She hangs up as Antoinette reenters.
Keith has come into the outer office.
Then Erika enters with BRYCE, a
smolderingly handsome soap-hunk type
(played by the same actor who played
Jerry).
ERIKA
Keith, oh I'm so glad you're here! I want you to meet my
friend and acting colleague from the soap, Bryce Bogarde.
Bryce, this is that cute guy I was telling you about...Keith.
Looking like a catalog model, Bryce
extends his hand to shake.
BRYCE
Hi.
Keith nervously takes his hand.
KEITH
Um...hi.
ERIKA
Well, I'll leave you two boys to get to know each other.
Erika goes into the inner office
triumphantly. Antoinette and Tina
glare at her.
ERIKA
Ladies.
Esther enters, having passed through
the outer office. (Lights down on the
outer office.)
ESTHER
Hey, who's the hunk o' meat talkin' with Keith?
ERIKA
That's my dear, sweet, utterly handsome, accommodating friend
Bryce. He and Keith seem to be hitting it off, don't they?
ANTOINETTE
Damn.
ESTHER
What the fuck are you up to, you soap opera cunt?
ERIKA
That's Miss Soap Opera Cunt to you, Esther. Miss Resourceful
Soap Opera Cunt, if you ask me.
TINA
Nobody asked you.
ERIKA
Now I'm not naive enough to think that you girls haven't
pondered a similar plan of attack. So perhaps the sad little
faces I see are because you didn't think of it faster?
TINA
Give it a rest, Erika.
ERIKA
I always believe in going for the full frontal assault. And
from what I hear in certain circles, Bryce's "full frontal"
is more impressive than most.
TINA
Too much information.
ESTHER
I don't care if he pulls it out and starts swingin' it over
his head, you're a cunt.
ANTOINETTE
I believe that all this talk about genitalia--boorish and
pejorative as it may be--is sublimation on the part of
several carnally deprived females.
A beat as nobody knows what the hell
she just said.
ESTHER
Huh?
ANTOINETTE
You're talkin' about dicks and cunts cuz you're not gettin'
any.
ERIKA
Oh believe me, Curly Locks, I do fine!
ESTHER
If you'd been married to my ex-husband, you'd swear off
burying the bunny too.
TINA
Hey, I'm not deprived...though I am wondering when you
started saying "pejorative."
ANTOINETTE
I don't use my vocabulary around men.
TINA
Well, I've never heard you use it.
ANTOINETTE
(staring at Tina)
If the Birkenstock fits...
TINA
Antoinette, do you have issues with homosexuality?
ANTOINETTE
No, Tina sweetie. Playing Rose in Provincetown is the
highlight of my summer. I just like watching you get more
neurotic than usual when I mention your lesbianic tendencies.
Tina tries to discreetly pull
Antoinette out of earshot of Esther and
Erika.
TINA
(sotto)
Now listen, Antoinette, the way I see it, Erika is on top of
everything...there's no way she's getting fired.
ANTOINETTE
Uh-huh.
TINA
And Esther is an institution. As long as Middle America needs
a Mama Rose, that battle ax is gonna work.
ANTOINETTE
What's your point?
TINA
That leaves you, me, and Gemma--
ANTOINETTE
Where is that bitch, anyway?
TINA
She said she had some appointment. Whatever. In any case, one
of us three is losing our job.
ANTOINETTE
I work plenty.
TINA
Look, honey, your sexy-wexy interpretation of the role was
innovative. And it has gotten some straight males interested
in musical theater. But you're not getting any younger. And
how adorable will that kewpie-doll voice be when it's coming
from a sagging sack of trussed-up cellulite?
ANTOINETTE
Why, you fat pile of dyke...!
TINA
Look, I'm not trying to start a fight. I just think we need
to get realistic about our situation, and pool our resources.
ANTOINETTE
By joining forces from now on?
TINA
Oh shut up. But yeah.
ANTOINETTE
So...what? We're supposed to conspire against Gemma?
TINA
I'm not particularly thrilled by the idea, but what's the
alternative?
ANTOINETTE
Um. Gemma and I could conspire against you...
TINA
Or I could just shave your head while you're asleep, and
watch you try and play Rose like a concentration camp
attendee.
ANTOINETTE
That was a little edgy, dear.
TINA
These are desperate times, honey.
LIGHTS FADE DOWN.
[END OF EXCERPT]