Two-Hander - Play Excerpt
Two-Hander
by
Scott Patrick Wagner
Excerpt
ACT ONE
SCENE 1
As HOUSE LIGHTS begin to DIM, LIGHTS
come UP on a special near one side of
the stage. We begin to notice a SMALL,
RATHER ORDINARY FELT PUPPET looking out
from the extreme side of the stage,
just onstage from the wings.
[NOTE: Act One puppets are all of the
hand-in-the-back, "muppet" variety.
With the exception of the play-within-a
play hand-puppets, operator(s) should
not be visible and puppets are treated
as "real characters" in the universe of
this act.]
As HOUSE LIGHTS go to BLACK, SPECIAL is
now UP FULL on the Felt Puppet, who
stares intently at the audience. Once
the house is black, the MAIN CURTAIN
opens, with the two PERFORMERS frozen
in preset positions CS for opening
scene. (If the play is being done in a
non-proscenium theater without a main
curtain, then performers wait until
house blackout before entering quietly
and taking preset positions.)
After the Felt Puppet has actively
studied the audience for just a beat
longer than is comfortable, the Felt
Puppet suddenly turns to look center
stage. A moment later the SPECIAL
blacks out (and Felt Puppet exits) as
LIGHTS come UP FULL on main acting
area, where we discover
An open theater space, in disuse. NAIVE
PRODUCER---joyful, sunny and clueless,
with perhaps a Cockney accent--is
hovering over a not-very-expressive
PHONE INSTALLER.
NP
...And did I mention that my business partner and I will be
using this theater that my uncle left me in his will when he
died to put on a show with actors?
PI
Uh, yeah.
NP
Oh. Did I also mention that my business partner used to just
be my very good friend who knows a lot about all sorts of
things, but now we're business partners?!
PI
Yep. You mentioned that.
NP
Oh. I like having a business partner. Now when someone asks
me, "How's business?"...I can ask my business partner!
PI
Okay, phone's all set. You're up and running.
NP
Oh, hurrah! I can't wait to tell my business partner!
PI
Yeah. No problem. See ya.
PHONE INSTALLER exits, and NP dances
about, excited by life's prospects.
PERFORMER 1 (as SARDONIC PRODUCER--a
know-it-all type with questionable
knowledge) enters, carrying a fancy
laptop computer under his arm.
NP
Oh look, oh look, oh look! Our phone's all set and we're up
and running!
SP
That's great, listen I've been crunching the numbers and I've
figured out a budget for our show--
NP
--With actors?!
SP
--with actors, and operating expenses, and the money we got,
minus the cost of this laptop, of course, which we need to be
successful and respected theater producers.
NP
Of course!
SP
I put it out on the Internet that we're looking for actors.
NP
Actors, actors, actors!
SP
But I think we should decide on the show.
NP
Show, show, show!
SP
Right. The thing we need to keep in mind is, we can only
afford to hire two actors. Do you have any thoughts about
what show we should do?
NP
"Who's Afraid of Virginia Woolf"!
SP
That show has four actors. Any other thoughts?
NP
Yes. "Who's Afraid of Virginia Woolf"!
SP
But we can only pay for two actors. You understand?
NP
Yes. (Beat.) How about "Who's Afraid of Virginia Woolf"?
SP
Look, how can we do a show with four actors, when we can only
have two actors?
NP
Oh, you leave that to me! I'll handle that, you bet!
SP
Why is it that you feel so strongly about us doing "Who's
Afraid of Virginia Woolf"? Is it a very good play?
NP
Well, I don't know. I've never seen it. But my uncle, may
he rest with the angels, used to always regale me with his
tales of being a child actor in the New York theater!
SP
Well...that's impressive.
NP
Uh-huh, you bet! He was even on Broadway!
SP
Wow.
NP
In the original production of "Who's Afraid of Virginia
Woolf"!
SP
Ah. What role did he play?
NP
Well, as he told it to me, it was the role of George and
Martha's son.
SP
My goodness, that sounds like an important part!
NP
Well, he was the understudy. But that's important too, you
know.
SP
Oh yes, of course. Even though we won't be able to afford
understudies for our show. And only two actors...which
you're sure will be enough--
NP
--Oh, yes, yes! I'm certain I will find a way to do this
wonderful show that my uncle starred in, utilizing the
actorial constraints with which we find ourselves faced.
SP
Well...that still leaves us with another problem. As I was
reading in Syd McKee's brilliant book, "How to Make Millions
in Live Theater," it seems that you have to pay this thing
called royalties if you use a famous play.
NP
Like "Who's Afraid of Virginia Woolf"?
SP
Yes. That's a very famous play. Written by--
SP types quickly into his computer and
comes up with a name.
SP (CONT'D)
--Edward Albee. And you have to pay him money--which we don't
have--if you want to use his play.
NP
But wouldn't Edwin Albee understand if we told him my uncle
didn't leave me enough money to pay him, but we really like
his play awfully much?
SP
No. Remember I told you how much money there is to be made in
the theater?
NP
Oh, yes! "People go into the theater because they can make
big money"!
SP
Well, I'm sure Mr. Albee is no exception. He's here for the
big bucks, just like us.
NP
Oh, Edwin Albee...why won't you understand?
The PHONE RINGS.
SP
What's that?
NP
It's our phone! The phone, the phone, the phone! It's our
first call as business partners in our new business, being in
the high-powered world of the theater!
SP
(answering the phone)
Hello?...Yes...Uh-huh...Well, yes, of course casting is very
important...Uh-huh...Well, that's very impressive...But with
our budget, we couldn't--...Oh, that works. Well, then, it's
a deal!
(hanging up the phone)
That was a couple of casting directors. They saw our notice
on the Internet.
NP
And they called us to congratulate us?
SP
They called to get hired! They will be seeing actors and
casting our show for us, and they will do it just for program
credit.
NP
Well, I don't know what that means, but how wonderful! We
can still pay for our two actors, right?
SP
Right, but you haven't told me how you expect to do a show
with just two actors, when there are these other characters.
NP
Oh, it's simple! We use puppets!
SCENE 2
Quick blackout/cross-fade to a table
set up on the opposite side of the
stage. There is a "casting table," and
behind it sit the two CASTING
DIRECTORS, played by two felt puppets
(which are voiced and manipulated by
the Stage Manager).
CD1
Okay, so what's the breakdown for these characters again?
CD2
Uh, it says that the show is "Virginia Woolf," but not the
one written by Edwin Albee. And we just need to cast two of
the four leads. The other two will be played by puppets.
CD1
Puppets?! That's the weirdest thing I've ever heard!
CD2
Yeah, right? Why don't they just get robots?
CD1
I'm tellin' ya! But, hell, this isn't the first crazy
casting challenge we've ever had to face--
CD2
Actually, yes it is, remember? That's why we're doing this
gig just for program credit.
CD1
Oh, yeah. Well, I'm sure we'll get paid for the next one.
CD2
From your lips, pal-sy. Say, your lips look kinda dry. You
mousturizing?
CD1
Tryin'. But this weather really takes it outta ya, ya know?
CD2
Boy, ya don't have ta say that twice!
(out to the "hallway")
Okay, let's send in the next auditioner.
AUDITIONER 1--clueless, artless, but
sincere--enters.
A1
Um...hello?
CD2
Yeah, yeah, babe, c'mon in. Beautiful.
CD1
Oh, I see you've done "Man of La Mancha."
A1
Well...I read the book. Really good.
CD2
Into the classics. Very good. What have you got prepared
for us today, babe?
A1
Um, it's a monologue from "To Kill a Mockingbird." My
character doesn't actually say much, so I've included
narration, and what he's thinking.
CD1
Okay, great. Wow us.
A1 does a "preparation," becoming very
stiff and pretending he's standing
against a wall.
A1
I'm Boo Radley. I'm standing here behind the door in my
bedroom. I know I must look pretty scary, but I'm actually a
gentle giant. Even though I'm called "Boo," which would
normally be a scary thing. What's that noise? Why, it's the
door opening. Who could be coming in here? I just want to
be left alone...people are so mean.
Why, look, it's that little girl. Maybe I should say
something to her. No, I'll just stand here and not say
anything instead.
(coming "out of character")
Aaaaand--scene!
CD1
Good work! Lots of colors!
CD2
Yes, excellent! We'll call you!
A1 exits, followed in by AUDITIONER 2-
an excited (and only marginally
talented) musical theater wannabe.
A2
(nonstop, seemingly all in one
breath)
I'm sorry, I know my headshot is about five years old and
such, but I've been on tour with the bus-and-truck of "Mamma
Mia"--miscellaneous smaller roles--and there just hasn't been
time to update. I do tap, jazz, and acrobatics, but I have
this thing with my knee, so I really can't, but if the part
requires it, you know, I can just wear a brace and such, and
I know it'll be fine. It's funny, you know, I just knew this
was gonna be a good day when I got up, and you folks are just
making this such an easy environment in which to shine, I
really appreciate it. I'd like to do an uptempo number for
you, it's actually a medley that shows some range. Thank you.
(singing)
"Five hundred, twenty-five million, six thousand minutes"-
I'm not sure those are the right numbers, I can look it up-
"that is the time it takes, to use up a life. Aaaaand I have
a new cow, a true cow, a moo cow named Caroline, moo moo moo
moo, she's an extra special friend of mine, moo moo moo moo,
aaaaand Nothing's gonna harm her, not while I'm arouuuuuuund
the corner, or whistlin' down the river"--The Hudson River!-
"It's up to you, New, York, New, Yoooooork!"
CD1
Thank you.
CD2
We'll be in touch.
A2 exits, and AUDITIONER 3--a quasi
"Method" actor--enters.
A3
Hello!
CD2
Hi, nice to--
A3
--I'm sorry, can I start again?
He walks back to the door and "re
enters."
A3 (CONT'D)
(with a different inflection)
Hello!
CD2
Yes, hello--
A3
--Damn, I'm still not getting it! If you could just give me
a little more detail about the character.
CD2
Oh, I think you're doing fine.
CD1
Yes. You had me at "hello."
A3
But I'm not feeling it. It's not organic. Who is this
person? Why do I say "Hello"?
CD1
Well...why do you think Virginia Woolf would say "Hello"?
A3
Hmmm...interesting...wasn't that when Nicole Kidman put on
that funny nose and won an Oscar? Or do you mean a real
wolf?
CD2
A real wolf would be fine.
A3
I'm sorry, I don't do animals.
CD2
Thank you for coming in.
A3 exits, followed timidly in by
AUDITIONER 4--a talented and mood
swinging codependent-slash-diva.
CD1
Hello, please come in.
A4
Hello. I'm sorry, it's just I'm here to audition with my
significant other. We do a scene together. But my partner
seems to be late.
CD2
Oh. Is there anything you can do alone, while we're waiting?
A4
Um...well...I do know "how many bullets are left in this
gun."
CD2
Okay, great.
A4 kneels on the ground, "becoming"
Maria in the closing scene of "West
Side Story."
A4
"How many bullets are left in this gun, Chino? Enough for
you? And you? And you?! It was all of you who killed him.
And my brother. And Riff!"
AUDITIONER 5--talented and
temperamental--now enters, out of
breath, and begins Blanche DuBois from
"Streetcar."
A5
"I have always relied on the kindnesses of strangers."
A4 stands, breaking character.
A4
Oh! That's my significant other!
A4 suddenly morphs into Stanley,
manhandling A5.
A4 (CONT'D)
Stella!!
A4 and A5 continue "Streetcar" with
great commitment and intensity.
A5
Stay back! Don't you come toward me another step or I'll--
A4
What?
A5
Some awful thing will happen! It will!
A4
Oh! So you want some roughhouse! All right, let's have some
roughhouse!
CD2
Holy shit, they're good!
CD1
I think we've got our cast!
SCENE 3
NP is in front of the computer and SP
is pacing. Adjacent is a VCR and a
monitor.
NP
Okay, I'm ready to write now...How do we do this?
SP
Syd McKee, in his brilliant book, "How to Make Millions in
Live Theater," says that you must provoke creativity.
NP
You mean like poke it with a stick?
SP
I don't know. Maybe it's on the companion video.
SP inserts a video into the VCR and
turns it on. The monitor comes to life
(it is actually a hollow box, with a
puppet inside) and the "screen" reveals
the SYD MCKEE PUPPET--very direct and
confident, the feel of an infomercial
salesman.
SMP
Hi, I'm Syd McKee! Are you ready to make millions of dollars
in America's most lucrative business, the live theater?!
Well, stick with me and I'll show you how it's done!
SP interrupts the spiel, hitting the
remote for the VCR.
SP
Let me fast-forward to the part where he talks about writing
the play.
As he "fast-forwards," the puppet in
the "TV" goes through the simulated
sounds and motions of fast motion.
SP
Here's the part...
He hits the remote for "play," and the
puppet goes back to normal speed.
SMP
--The first step in writing a million-dollar play is to
provoke your creativity. Now, that doesn't mean poking it
with a stick!
NP
Oh. Okay!
SMP
It means reaching your imagination mindset, calling forth
your creative juices, summoning your muse! Stop the tape
now, and take a moment to do that.
SP stops the tape. He and NP look at
each other blankly.
NP
(finally)
Yoo hoo...muse!
NP and SP wait a beat, looking around
to see if that has accomplished
anything. They shrug their shoulders.
SP starts the tape again.
SMP
If you don't find you have summoned your muse immediately,
don't worry about it!
NP
(relieved)
Oh! Phew!!
SMP
Let's cover another trick of good writing!
NP
Okey-dokey!
SMP
Now, audiences won't be knocking on your box office to see
something boring, so make sure that you have a ticking time
bomb!
NP
Oh, dear. I suppose we can learn to make that on the
Internet...
SP
I'm hoping that's an expression, and we're not going to make
a real bomb.
SMP
Of course, I'm sure you know that's an expression, and you
won't be making a real bomb.
NP
Oh, much better!
SMP
A "ticking time bomb" refers to the conflict in your show.
The stakes that you are up against. The thing that will lead
to calamity if it isn't worked out.
SP paused the VCR. They look at each
other.
SP
I don't know what he's talking about.
NP
"Calamity" is a funny word.
The PHONE RINGS. SP goes to answer it.
LIGHTS UP on a LOAN OFFICER (PUPPET) in
a special on another part of the stage.
SP
Hello?
LOAN OFFICER
Hello, I'd like to speak with one of the two partners of the
company "We Will Make Millions in Live Theater, Inc."
SP
That's me! Yes...speaking.
LOAN OFFICER
Yes, hello, this is Sasha Gomez, your loan officer from First
Felt Federal Savings Bank.
SP
Oh, hello.
LOAN OFFICER
I just wanted to remind you of the terms of your loan.
Remember, if you don't make a sizeable profit within the
first three weeks of the opening of your show, you will lose
the theater, which you put up for collateral.
SP
Oh...yes. So that's what "collateral" means.
LOAN OFFICER
Have a nice day!
They hang up.
SP
Did you know what "collateral" means?
NP
I believe Tom Cruise made that movie just before he met the
love of his life Katie Holmes.
SP
Yes, well...we don't have time to worry about "ticking time
bombs"...we have a lot at stake here!
NP
Oh, I see.
SP
Maybe Syd McKee has another suggestion that's easier to
understand.
SP starts up the "tape" again.
SMP
Is your show a straight play or a musical? And before you
answer that, know that musicals made even more millions than
straight plays! So even if your show isn't a musical, why
don't you make it one! You'll have a whole new show, and you
may get out of paying royalties!
SP stops the tape.
SP
Oh yeah, royalties! I should fast-forward to the part about
royalties.
NP
Excellent idea.
SP starts fast-forwarding. He "slows"
the "tape" as a "title" comes up "on
screen" that says "Dealing with
Royalties." (The "title" is just a
piece of cardboard with lettering that
is stuck up against the open hole of
the "TV." After enough time to read
it, the cardboard comes down to reveal
the puppet again, this time behind a
little desk.)
SMP
Y'know, the business of show business isn't something we can
overlook, if we're interesting in making millions in live
theater! Royalties are a special concern. As every rich
theater mogul knows, you don't want to pay royalties! One
important rule is to never use more than ten bars of any
known piece of music, not even "Happy Birthday to You."
SP stops the tape.
NP
But what will we sing when it's my birthday?
SP
I think it's okay to sing it if you're at home.
NP
But what if I'm at the theater?
SP
Hmmm...we'd have to pay royalties. You mustn't be at the
theater on your birthday.
NP
A necessary sacrifice...
SP
So you can't use more than ten bars of music...Is "Virginia
Woolf" a musical?
NP
Well, there is that song that the three little pigs sing.
SP
Well, we can't use more than ten bars of it.
NP
(singing to himself, to the
tune of "Who's Afraid of the
Big Bad Wolf")
"Who's afraid of Virginia Woolf, Virginia Woolf, Virginia
Woolf? Who's afraid of Virginia Woolf, Ha, ha, ha, ha--"
SP
(interrupting before the last
"ha")
--That's it! Stop there!
NP
But I had one more "ha"!
SP
Would you rather be short one "ha," or large one lawsuit?
NP
(suddenly very serious)
Oh yes...I see your point.
[END OF EXCERPT]