Cole Porter Review - Script
UNDER MY SKIN: COLE PORTER IN REVIEW
by
Scott Patrick Wagner
Curtain up on old man (COLE) in
wheelchair, not awake, and hooked up to
a beeping heart monitor. The monitor
turns to a steady, continuous note,
signifying that his heart has stopped.
A DOCTOR and a NURSE rush in. They try
tending to him, eventually shutting off
the heart monitor.
DOCTOR
It's no use, nurse. There was nothing more we could do for
Mr. Porter. It was his time.
In the same key as the heart monitor
note, a group of heavenly offstage
voices sing the opening chord for
HEAVEN HOP.
The NURSE, still facing U.S., does a
quick costume trick, turning her
uniform into an angel outfit, complete
with wings that pop out the back. She
turns to face D.S.
NURSE/ANGEL
UP IN HEAVEN'S HAPPY PORTALS
WHERE THE PARTIES NEVER STOP
Two other female ANGELS join her.
GIRL ANGELS
ALL THE DEBONAIR IMMORTALS
DO A DANCE CALLED THE HEAVEN HOP
One BOY ANGEL joins them.
ANGELS
IN THIS BIG CELESTIAL CENTER
Another BOY ANGEL joins them.
ANGELS
IT'S THE ONLY DANCE THEY DO
SO BEFORE YOU TRY TO ENTER
On the musical bump, the DOCTOR sprouts
angel wings and turns D.S.
DOCTOR/ANGEL
YOU BETTER START DOIN' IT TOO
With COLE sitting "dead" in his
wheelchair, all the ANGELS continue the
song.
ANGELS
SPREAD YOUR WINGS AND START THEM FLAPPIN'
LIFT YOUR FEET AND SET THEM TAPPIN'
START RIGHT NOW, AND DO THE HEAVEN HOP
HOP, THE HEAVEN HOP
WAG YOUR ANKLES TO THAT METER
LET YOUR SHOULDERS GENTLY TEETER
IF YOU WANT TO PLEASE SAINT PETER
TAKE UP THE HEAVEN HOP
WHERE ALL THE ANGELS PLAY LOW
ON THEIR HARPS OF GOLD
KNEEL AND PRAY LOW
THEN GET UP AND SHAKE YOUR HALO
LET THAT RHYTHM FILTER THROUGH YA
TILL YOU HOLLER "HALLELUJAH?"
START RIGHT NOW AND DO THE HEAVEN HOP
HOP THE HEAVEN HOP
HEAVEN, I'M GONNA TAKE YOU TO HEAVEN
WE'RE GONNA SHOW YOU THAT HEAVEN
WHERE ALL THE ANGELS HOP, HOP, THE HEAVEN HOP
Suddenly, COLE breaks out of his
wheelchair (as well as his grey wig),
and joins the ANGELS.
COLE
ALL OF THE ANGELS PLAY LOW
ON THEIR HARPS OF GOLD
COLE AND ANGELS
KNEEL AND PRAY LOW
COLE
THEN GET UP AND SHAKE YOUR HALO
ANGELS continue singing as COLE does
tap solo.
ANGELS
LET THAT RHYTHM FILTER THROUGH YA
TILL YOU HOLLER
ALL
"HALLELUJAH!"
START RIGHT NOW AND DO THE HEAVEN HOP.
Number ends with a big finish. COLE and
ANGELS take a bow and ANGELS exit.
COLE
Not bad for a dead guy, huh? Not to mention one with two
smashed legs. But we'll talk about that later, with your
permission. The explanation I really feel I do owe you at
the moment is why I'm even here. I realize that we do seem
to be playing fast and loose with time and space--not to
mention the fabric of the cosmos--but the truth is, every
time you came to see one of my musicals, half the fun was
leaving reality with the coat-check girl, now wasn't it?
It's the way we all wanted it. It's the way you might wish
it still were. And considering how the world has gone since
I left in 1964, who could blame you?
Yes...I've kept my eye on things. The view from heaven is
quite panoramic...we can see everything.
(To an audience member:)
And by the way, sir, kudos to you on last Thursday night.
That was quite athletic.
(Back to full audience:)
I'd like to strike up a little deal with you kind people.
I'll do my best to give you the straight poop on my humble
little life, if you'll afford me an intermittent
embellishment...what would life--or death--be without 'em?
And since 1940s audiences were willing to believe I looked
like Cary Grant, perhaps you good people could tolerate just
a soupcon of theatrical license. That was French, by the
way. You remember the French, don't you? I believe they
gave us Freedom toast.
COLE smirks as he exits, as ANYTHING
GOES begins.
As the CHORUS sings, they play out a
series of contemporary "scandalous"
situations (gay marriage, Monica
Lewinsky, etc.).
CHORUS
TIMES HAVE CHANGED
AND WE'VE OFTEN REWOUND THE CLOCK
SINCE THE PURITANS GOT A SHOCK
WHEN THEY LANDED ON PLYMOUTH ROCK.
IF TODAY, ANY SHOCK THEY SHOULD TRY TO STEM, 'STEAD OF
LANDING ON PLYMOUTH ROCK
PLYMOUTH ROCK WOULD LAND ON THEM.
IN OLDEN DAYS A GLIMPSE OF STOCKING
WAS LOOKED ON AS SOMETHING SHOCKING
BUT NOW, GOD KNOWS, ANYTHING GOES.
GOOD AUTHORS TOO WHO ONCE KNEW BETTER WORDS NOW ONLY USE FOUR
LETTER WORDS
WRITING PROSE
ANYTHING GOES.
THE WORLD HAS GONE MAD TODAY
AND GOOD'S BAD TODAY
AND BLACK'S WHITE TODAY
AND DAY'S NIGHT TODAY
WHEN MOST GUYS TODAY THAT WOMEN PRIZE TODAY
ARE JUST SILLY GIGOLOS.
AND THOUGH I'M NOT A GREAT ROMANCER
I KNOW THAT YOU'RE BOUND TO ANSWER
WHEN I PROPOSE,
ANYTHING GOES.
Song ends, CHORUS exits as COLE returns
to the stage.
COLE
When one thinks of the songwriters who were working at the
same time as I--Irving Berlin, the Gershwin boys--the thought
that comes to mind is a romantic image of humble origins,
inspiring stories of struggling immigrants starting with
nothing and making it big in this great country. I, as you
can no doubt tell from the accent, came from Latvia. We were
itinerant duck farmers, who came to this country with nothing
but the clothes on our backs, covered as they were with duck
fuzz.
Actually, I came from money. We were the Porters of Peru,
Indiana, privileged and Protestant. My grandfather made his
fortune in coal. I've often wondered if I was named in
tribute to soot. I prefer to think I was named after the
slaw. In any event, while my songwriting peers were learning
from the college of hard knocks, I was at Yale.
Four COLLEGIANS sing BINGO ELI YALE
COLLEGIANS
BINGO, BINGO
BINGO, BINGO, BINGO, THAT'S THE LINGO
ELI IS BOUND TO WIN
THERE'S TO BE A VICTORY
SO WATCH THE TEAM BEGIN
BINGO, BINGO
HARVARD'S TEAM CANNOT PREVAIL
FIGHT, FIGHT
FIGHT WITH ALL YOUR MIGHT
FOR BINGO, BINGO, ELI, YALE!
COLLEGIANS exit, and a DEAN enters and
crosses to COLE.
COLE
After Yale, I started Harvard Law School. It wasn't what
you'd call auspicious, at least not by the Dean of the Law
School.
DEAN
Mr. Porter, perhaps I might suggest that you not waste your
time studying the law, but instead focus on that music that
you seem so preoccupied with.
COLE
Hmmm... Okey-dokey!
DEAN
Mr. Porter, I was being humorous!
COLE
That's debatable. See ya!
DEAN exits.
COLE (CONT'D)
So I left Harvard. My grandfather, who determined the size of
my trust fund, was not amused. In fact, he cut me off
entirely. But mother--dear mother--gave me a couple of her
millions, and everything was aces. I even wrote my first
musical: See America First!
Five AMERICANS enter and sing SEE
AMERICA FIRST.
AMERICANS
DON'T LEAVE AMERICA
JUST STICK AROUND THE U.S.A.
ROOT FOR AMERICA
AND GET THAT GRAND OLD STRAIN OF
YANKEE DOODLE IN YOUR NOODLE
CHEER FOR AMERICA
ALTHOUGH YOUR VOCAL CHORDS MAY BURST
AND IF YOU EVER TAKE AN OUTING
LEAVE THE STATION SHOUTING
SEE AMERICA
SEE AMERICA
SEE AMERICA FIRST!
COLE
"See America First" was a big...disaster. So I joined the
French Foreign Legion. Or maybe I didn't.
AMERICAN 1
He volunteered in some ambulance corps behind the lines.
AMERICAN 2
He was part of the battle front in France.
AMERICAN 3
He never enlisted.
AMERICAN 4
Cole told me he got into the Foreign Legion because the only
requirement was getting weighed.
AMERICAN 3
I saw him strutting up and down the boulevards of Paris in a
cadet's uniform one day and a colonel's uniform the next.
Complete disregard of regulation.
COLE
I was fond of the uniforms. Look, I plan to be completely
honest with you good people tonight. I'm dead...what do I
care? But this is one of those spots where there are several
different versions of the same story, and I created most of
them. I suppose I could tell you which is the real
truth...but isn't it more fun sometimes to choose the truth
you like best?
AMERICANS exit as PARISIAN enters.
COLE (CONT'D)
And by the way, that song, "See America First"? People have
debated whether I was serious about that sentiment, or
whether I was being ironic. You can choose your truth there
also...but I'll be in Paris.
COLE moves to a cafe table as PARISIAN,
joined by two other PARISIANS, sings a
beautiful harmonic version of I LOVE
PARIS.
COLE (CONT'D)
The truth is, I love to travel. It hit me the moment I got
out of Peru, Indiana. I want to go to all the places I've
never been. So I stayed in Paris after the war...and ended up
in some very new places.
PARISIANS
EV'RY TIME I LOOK DOWN
ON THIS TIMELESS TOWN,
WHETHER BLUE OR GRAY BE HER SKIES,
WHETHER LOUD BE HER CHEERS
OR WHETHER SOFT BE HER TEARS,
MORE AND MORE DO I REALIZE
I LOVE PARIS IN THE SPRINGTIME,
I LOVE PARIS IN THE FALL,
I LOVE PARIS IN THE WINTER, WHEN IT DRIZZLES, I LOVE PARIS IN
THE SUMMER, WHEN IT SIZZLES,
I LOVE PARIS EV'RY MOMENT,
EV'RY MOMENT OF THE YEAR.
I LOVE PARIS,
WHY, OH, WHY DO I LOVE PARIS?
BECAUSE MY LOVE IS NEAR.
Underscore continues as lyric fades.
COLE
In Paris all is la soiree, and I am le playboy.
LINDA approaches COLE at his table.
LINDA
Pardon my boldness, but there isn't another open table in
sight.
COLE
No...this does seem to be the only one around, doesn't it?
Won't you please join me?
LINDA
Thank you. I'm Linda Thomas. Has anyone ever mentioned you
bear a striking resemblance to Cary Grant?
COLE
And you to Alexis Smith, I'm sure.
LINDA
Perhaps it's the Parisian air, but I find you most
attractive. I think I could be falling in love with you.
COLE
(Putting his hand on hers)
Linda, it's all right. We're not doing the sanitized
version.
LINDA
We're...not?
COLE
I promised them the real story. Well, the more interesting
versions of it, at least.
LINDA
So...we're letting them know that I divorced a man who beat
me, and don't care if I never talk to another heterosexual?
COLE
Yes, my darling. And what a happy coincidence that you landed
on my spot of gay Paree.
LINDA
And it's fine that you don't look like Cary Grant.
COLE
Who won't be making his first movie for another twelve years.
MALE SOLO SINGER enters and sings EASY
TO LOVE as Cole and Linda talk
intimately.
MALE SOLO SINGER
YOU'D BE SO EASY TO LOVE
SO EASY TO IDOLIZE ALL OTHERS ABOVE
SO WORTH THE YEARNING FOR
SO SWELL TO KEEP EVERY HOME FIRE BURNING FOR
AND WE WOULD BE SO GRAND AT THE GAME
SO CAREFREE TOGETHER THAT IT DOES SEEM A SHAME
THAT YOU CAN'T SEE YOUR FUTURE WITH ME
'CAUSE YOU'D BE, OH, SO EASY TO LOVE
LINDA
I do love you, you know.
COLE
And I you. Just not in any fashion that includes...wetness.
LINDA
It is odd, Coley, being this forthright about the way we love
each other.
COLE
Do you miss romance, Linda?
LINDA
No...just the illusion of it...
COLE
Well, heck, no need to deprive ourselves of that!
(He takes her hand.)
Cue the music, and let the illusion begin!
Intro to SO IN LOVE begins, as COLE
leads LINDA away from the table.
COLE (CONT'D)
STRANGE DEAR, BUT TRUE DEAR
WHEN I'M CLOSE TO YOU, DEAR
THE STARS FILL THE SKY
SO IN LOVE WITH YOU AM I
BORIS KOCHNO (pronounced "COCK-no"),
handsome Russian ballet dancer, enters
with BALLERINA. They are dancing a pas
de deux as Cole sings.
COLE (CONT'D)
EVEN WITHOUT YOU
MY ARMS FOLD ABOUT YOU
YOU KNOW DARLING WHY
SO IN LOVE WITH YOU AM I
Cole's focus becomes split, as he
notices Boris. The dancers continue
moving to the underscore.
COLE (CONT'D)
(spoken, to Linda)
Who is that?
LINDA
That's a ballerina, Cole.
COLE
No...the other one.
LINDA
That's Boris Kochno. He's Russian.
COLE
Yes...he certainly is.
Cole returns to Linda and the song, but
his focus continues to stray to Boris.
COLE
IN LOVE WITH THE NIGHT MYSTERIOUS
THE NIGHT WHEN YOU FIRST WERE THERE
IN LOVE WITH MY JOY DELIRIOUS
WHEN I KNEW THAT YOU COULD CARE
Linda pulls Cole's focus back to her.
LINDA
I thought this was supposed to be my illusion.
COLE
Yes, sorry.
He finishes the song, fully to her.
COLE (CONT'D)
SO TAUNT ME, AND HURT ME
DECEIVE ME, DESERT ME
I'M YOURS, TILL I DIE.....
SO IN LOVE.... SO IN LOVE....
SO IN LOVE WITH YOU, MY LOVE... AM I
Song ends. Boris and Ballerina have
exited.
COLE gets down on one knee before
LINDA.
LINDA
Cole...is this a proposal?
COLE
Here's my proposal, Linda. You're through with men who paw
you or worse. I promise never to hit you or turn
heterosexual. Marriage will get you back into cafe society,
and it'll get me a raise in my trust fund. Shall we pool our
resources?
LINDA
I do love you....without the wetness.
[Alternate line for Linda if the
actress is not a strong singer:]
LINDA
I'll marry you on one condition...that this is the only time
I'll have to sing.
Intro begins for IT'S DE-LOVELY.
COLE
Then let's put on a wedding!
I FEEL A SUDDEN URGE TO SING
THE KIND OF DITTY THAT INVOKES THE SPRING
SO, CONTROL YOUR DESIRE TO CURSE
WHILE I CRUCIFY THE VERSE
LINDA
THIS VERSE YOU'VE STARTED SEEMS TO ME
THE "TIN PAN-TITHESIS" OF MELODY
SO TO SPARE US ALL THE PAIN,
PLEASE SKIP THE DARN THING AND SING THE REFRAIN
COLE
MI-MI-MI-MI, RE-RE-RE-RE, DO-SO-MI-DO-LA-SI
THE NIGHT IS YOUNG, THE SKIES ARE CLEAR
AND IF YOU WANT TO GO WALKING, DEAR
IT'S DELIGHTFUL, IT'S DELICIOUS, IT'S DE-LOVELY
TWO OTHER COUPLES plus MINISTER enter, behind COLE and LINDA.
COUPLES AND MINISTER
SEE THE CROWD IN THAT CHURCH
SEE THE PROUD PARSON PLOPPED ON HIS PERCH
GET THE SWEET BEAT OF THAT ORGAN SEALING OUR DOOM
HERE GOES THE GROOM, BOOM!
COLE
HOW THEY CHEER AND HOW THEY SMILE
AS WE GO GALLOPING DOWN THE AISLE
LINDA
IT'S DELIGHTFUL, IT'S DELICIOUS
COLE
IT'S DELECTABLE, IT'S DELIRIOUS
LINDA
IT'S DILEMMA,
COLE
IT'S DE-LIMIT
LINDA
IT'S DELUXE--
COLE
IT'S DE-REAMY
IT'S DE-ROUSY
IT'S DE-REVERIE
COLE AND LINDA
IT'S DE-RHAPSODIE
IT'S DE-REGAL, IT'S DE-ROYAL, IT'S DE-RITZ
ALL
IT'S DE-LOVELY
COLE
WE SETTLE DOWN AS MAN AND WIFE
TO SOLVE THE RIDDLE CALLED MARRIED LIFE
IT'S DELIGHTFUL, IT'S DELICIOUS, IT'S DE-LOVELY
All but Cole and Linda exit.
COLE
Ah, the riddle called married life.
LINDA
More like a knock-knock joke.
BORIS reenters.
BORIS
Knock knock.
COLE
Who's there?
LINDA
Boris--
BORIS
--Kochno.
COLE
Kochno who?
BORIS
Kochno what it likes.
Cole sings ALL OF YOU to Boris as Linda
pretends it doesn't bother her.
COLE
I LOVE THE LOOK OF YOU,
THE LURE OF YOU
THE SWEET OF YOU,
AND THE PURE OF YOU
THE EYES, THE ARMS, AND THE MOUTH OF YOU
THE EAST, WEST, NORTH, AND THE SOUTH OF YOU
I'D LOVE TO GAIN COMPLETE CONTROL OF YOU HANDLE EVEN THE
HEART AND SOUL OF YOU
LOVE AT LEAST A SMALL PERCENT OF ME DO
'CAUSE I LOVE ALL OF YOU
Cole and Boris exit, intimately. Linda
speaks to the audience.
LINDA
Look, my husband's romantic life was no secret to me. But I
did not wish it wagged under my nose, and I would not be made
a public mockery.
COLE reenters.
LINDA (CONT'D)
As long as Cole kept things private--
COLE
Boris and I just had the most spectac--
Linda gently--but very directly--puts
her hand up to Cole's cheek,
interrupting him.
LINDA
Did I ask, darling?
A moment passes between them, Linda
stolid and Cole frustrated. Then they
turn to the audience.
COLE
The 1920s were a fine time for "les Colporteurs."
LINDA
That's what our French friends called us.
COLE
I wonder if they knew that the literal translation is "Bible
salesman."
LINDA
I suspect not.
COLE
It wasn't, however, a fine time for the songwriting career of
Mister le Coleporteur. So what does a fellow like me do
during nine years of flops?
ENSEMBLE MEMBERS enter with suitcases
and trunks.
COLE (CONT'D)
Travel!
Ensemble begin singing DON'T FENCE ME
IN. The descriptions of the Porters'
exotic and luxurious travel go in
contrast to the rustic lyrics.
ENSEMBLE
OH, GIVE ME LAND, LOTS OF LAND
UNDER STARRY SKIES ABOVE
DON'T FENCE ME IN
COLE
Why fret that I wasn't welcome on Broadway? There was an
around-the-world cruise to pack for!
ENSEMBLE
LET ME RIDE THROUGH THE
WIDE OPEN COUNTRY THAT I LOVE
DON'T FENCE ME IN
COLE
And when we stayed on the Continent, Venice and the Lido were
just a first-class train ride away.
ENSEMBLE
LET ME BE BY MYSELF IN THE EVENIN' BREEZE
AND LISTEN TO THE MURMUR OF THE COTTONWOOD TREES
SEND ME OFF FOREVER BUT I ASK YOU PLEASE
DON'T FENCE ME IN
COLE
Our customary style of train travel required eight or nine
compartments. One each for myself, Linda, her maid, and my
valet. One for our wardrobes. One for the private bar. And
however many more we needed for the guests who were coming
with us...on our ticket, of course.
ENSEMBLE
JUST TURN ME LOOSE,
LET ME STRADDLE MY OLD SADDLE
UNDERNEATH THE WESTERN SKIES
ON MY CAYUSE,
LET ME WANDER OVER YONDER
TILL I SEE THE MOUNTAINS RISE
LINDA
Dear Cole seems to be compensating for the poor condition of
his career with the rich status of our lifestyle.
Cole gallivants about with his guests.
ENSEMBLE
I WANT TO RIDE TO THE RIDGE WHERE THE WEST COMMENCES
LINDA
Don't let his blase attitude about the theater fool you...he
wanted it very much.
ENSEMBLE
AND GAZE AT THE MOON TILL I LOSE MY SENSES
LINDA
All the time he was away, he was filling up a trunk with
scores and manuscripts.
ENSEMBLE
I CAN'T LOOK AT HOBBLES
AND I CAN'T STAND FENCES
DON'T FENCE ME IN
Ensemble exits, leaving Cole and Linda.
LINDA
I think you would have liked Broadway to fence you in just a
little.
COLE
That's one way to look at it. Me, I'm being fenced in by
nobody and nothing. And I like it.
BORIS and OTHER MEN enter and surround
Cole, who sings FIND ME A PRIMITIVE
MAN.
COLE (CONT'D)
NOW, BEFORE THIS MODERN IDEA HAD BURST
ABOUT THE WOMEN AND CHILDREN FIRST,
THE MEN HAD MUCH MORE CHARM THAN THEY HAVE TODAY.
AND IF ONLY ONE OF THAT TYPE SURVIVED,
THE VERY MOMENT THAT HE ARRIVED,
I KNOW I'D FALL IN LOVE IN A GREAT BIG WAY.
I CAN'T IMAGINE BEING BAD
WITH ANY ARROW COLLAR AD,
NOR COULD I TAKE THE SLIGHTEST JOY
IN WAKING UP A COLLEGE BOY.
I'VE NO DESIRE TO BE ALONE WITH RUDY VALLEE'S MEGAPHONE,
SO WHEN I'M SAYING MY PRAYERS, I SAY:
FIND ME A PRIMITIVE MAN,
BUILT ON A PRIMITIVE PLAN.
SOMEONE WITH VIGOR AND VIM.
I DON'T MEAN A KIND THAT BELONGS TO A CLUB,
BUT THE KIND THAT HAS A CLUB THAT BELONGS TO HIM.
I COULD BE THE PERSONAL SLAVE
OF SOMEONE JUST OUT OF A CAVE.
AND HE WHO ASPIRES TO BE MY STUD
MUST REAWAKE MY GYPSY BLOOD.
FIND ME A PRIMITIVE MAN,
FIND ME A PRIMITIVE MAN.
COLE
Who cared about Broadway? My dance card was filled, and in
several different cities. And guess who jete'd himself right
back into the middle of things?
LINDA
Boris.
BORIS
Kochno.
Cole and Boris move off to the side,
close. Linda is perturbed.
LINDA
Yes, I know what I said. This is what I signed on for. But
you may have already noticed that my husband--in his work and
in his life--tends to push the envelope. And he and
his...friend were becoming a bit more public than I found
comforting.
GIRL TRIO enters.
LINDA (CONT'D)
Hit it, girls.
They sing MOST GENTLEMEN DON"T LIKE
LOVE as Linda sits and Cole and Boris
dance together.
GIRL TRIO
MOST GENTLEMEN DON'T LIKE LOVE
THEY JUST LIKE TO KICK IT AROUND
MOST GENTLEMEN CAN'T TAKE LOVE
'CAUSE MOST GENTLEMEN CAN'T BE PROFOUND.
AS MADAM SAPPHO IS SOME SONNET SAID,
"A SLAP AND A TICKLE
IS ALL THAT A FICKLE MALE
EVER HAS IN HIS HEAD."
FOR MOST GENTLEMEN DON'T LIKE LOVE
I'VE BEEN IN LOVE
AND I KNOW WHAT I'M TALKING OF
AND, OH, TO MY WOE I HAVE FOUND
THEY JUST LIKE TO KICK IT AROUND.
The girls sing underscore doo-doos of
the second verse as Cole and Boris
cross to Linda.
COLE
One thing that was always important to me was that the men I
loved be good friends with Linda. It was a great relief that
Boris made Linda laugh.
Boris and Linda share an apparently
happy moment together.
COLE (CONT'D)
He met with her approval.
(in the direction of Boris and
Linda)
Darling!
Both Linda and Boris look to him,
responding. It becomes clear that Cole
was speaking to Boris, who crosses to
Cole.
Cole and Boris hug. Linda looks
outward, a forced smile on her face.
LINDA
Girls!
The Girl Trio sings again, under Linda.
GIRL TRIO
MOST GENTLEMEN DON'T LIKE LOVE
THEY JUST LIKE TO KICK IT AROUND
MOST GENTLEMEN CAN'T TAKE LOVE
'CAUSE MOST GENTLEMEN CAN'T BE PROFOUND.
LINDA
Am I being unreasonable? Bitchy, perhaps? Do I really think
that most men--Cole--can't be profound? That he can't take
love? Oh, he can...just not from me.
The Girl Trio comes in full volume.
GIRL TRIO
IN EV'RY LAND, CHILDREN, THEY'RE ALL THE SAME
A POUNCE IN THE CLOVER
AND THEN WHEN IT'S OVER
"SO LONG AND WHAT IS YOUR NAME?"
FOR MOST GENTLEMEN DON'T LIKE LOVE
I'VE BEEN IN LOVE
AND I KNOW WHAT I'M TALKING OF
AND, OH, TO MY WOE I HAVE FOUND
THEY JUST LIKE TO KICK IT AROUND.
Song ends. Boris and girls exit, and
Cole returns to Linda.
COLE
My relationship with Boris lasted for three years.
LINDA
Which felt like twenty, in dog years.
COLE
Are you calling me a dog, my angel?
LINDA
If the flea collar fits...
COLE
Over time, I had serious relationships with three other men,
and certainly my share of...assignations.
LINDA
In which you were quite the ass, darling.
COLE
My wife was very cosmopolitan when we established
our...arrangement. Yet when it went into practice, her
wordliness seemed to turn to the...old fashioned.
LINDA
If your...arrangements hadn't started becoming more and more
of a spectacle, I'm sure I wouldn't have turned to as many
old-fashioneds.
A WOMAN enters, and sings MAKE IT
ANOTHER OLD FASHIONED, PLEASE. As she
sings, Linda sits at a bar drinking,
while Cole and VARIOUS MEN carouse
among a crowd nearby.
WOMAN
MAKE IT ANOTHER OLD-FASHIONED, PLEASE
MAKE IT ANOTHER, DOUBLE, OLD-FASHIONED, PLEASE MAKE IT FOR
ONE WHO'S DUE
TO JOIN THE DISILLUSIONED CREW
MAKE IT FOR ONE OF LOVE'S NEW REFUGEES
ONCE HIGH IN MY CASTLE,
I REIGNED SUPREME
AND OH WHAT A CASTLE,
BUILT ON A HEAVENLY DREAM
THEN QUICK AS A LIGHTNING FLASH,
THAT CASTLE BEGAN TO CRASH
SO, MAKE IT ANOTHER OLD-FASHIONED, PLEASE LEAVE OUT THE
CHERRY,
LEAVE OUT THE ORANGE,
LEAVE OUT THE BITTERS
JUST MAKE IT A STRAIGHT RYE.
The others leave, with Cole on one side
of the stage and Linda, sitting at the
bar, at the other.
COLE
Perhaps you're getting the impression that my wife is
peripheral to the life I lead. Nothing could be further from
the truth. Granted, "southern exposure" always transpires
with others. But that's not the whole story. Linda is utterly
beautiful, in every way, and I love and cherish her. One
could even say she was the inspiration for this song.
FIRST MALE and FEMALE enter and perform
YOU'VE GOT THAT THING.
FIRST MALE
YOU'VE GOT THAT THING, YOU'VE GOT THAT THING
THAT THING THAT MAKES BIRDS FORGET TO SING
YES, YOU'VE GOT THAT THING, THAT CERTAIN THING
YOU'VE GOT THAT CHARM, THAT SUBTLE CHARM
THAT MAKES YOUNG FARMERS DESERT THE FARM
'CAUSE YOU'VE GOT THAT THING, THAT CERTAIN THING
YOU'VE GOT WHAT ADAM CRAVED WHEN HE
WITH LOVE FOR EVE WAS TORTURED
SHE ONLY HAD AN APPLE TREE
BUT YOU, YOU'VE GOT AN ORCHARD
YOU'VE GOT THOSE WAYS, THOSE TAKING WAYS
THAT MAKE ME RUSH OFF TO CARTIER'S
FOR A WEDDING RING, YOU'VE GOT THAT THING
SECOND MALE and FEMALE enter.
SECOND MALE
YOU'VE GOT THAT THING, YOU'VE GOT THAT THING
THAT THING THAT MAKES VINES PREFER TO CLING
YES, YOU'VE GOT THAT THING, THAT CERTAIN THING
YOU'VE GOT THAT KISS, THAT KISS THAT WARMS THAT MAKES
REFORMERS REFORM REFORMS
'CAUSE YOU'VE GOT THAT THING, THAT CERTAIN THING
THEY TELL US TROJAN HELEN'S LIPS
MADE EVERY MAN HER SLAVEY
IF HER FACE LAUNCHED A THOUSAND SHIPS
WELL, YOURS COULD LAUNCH A NAVY
FIRST MALE
JUST WHAT MADE SAMSON BE, FOR YEARS
DELILAH'S LORD AND KEEPER
SHE ONLY HAD A PAIR OF SHEARS
BUT YOU--
BOTH MALES
--YOU'VE GOT A REAPER!
YOU'VE GOT THAT POWER, THAT POWER TO GRIP
THAT MAKES ME MAP OUT A WEDDING TRIP
FOR THE EARLY SPRING, YOU'VE GOT THAT THING
Both COUPLES exit. Linda, still at the
bar, seems to be softening toward Cole.
COLE
Linda is my muse. She's got terrific taste and impeccable
instincts, and she's the first person who ever sees any of my
work. And if Linda doesn't think a song is ready, I keep
working at it until she does.
Linda, warming, joins Cole.
LINDA
At the end of the '20s we moved back to the States.
COLE
An apartment at the Waldorf Towers in Manhattan--
LINDA
--And a big country house in Williamstown, Mass.
COLE
The only mass you'd ever find me attending. Linda lived in
the main house, which we called..."Linda's House." I lived in
the side cottage, which we called "No Trespassing."
LINDA
The 1930s were very good years for Cole. He was having a
string of successes, with one hit song after another. Like
this one from "The New Yorkers" in 1930.
SOLO FEMALE enters and sings JUST ONE
OF THOSE THINGS.
SOLO FEMALE
IT WAS JUST ONE OF THOSE THINGS
JUST ONE OF THOSE CRAZY FLINGS
ONE OF THOSE BELLS THAT NOW AND THEN RINGS
JUST ONE OF THOSE THINGS
COLE
I have to admit, I have absolutely no idea what songs will
become hits. All I can do is write the melodies as I feel
them, and hope for the best.
SOLO FEMALE
IF WE'D THOUGHT A BIT OF THE END OF IT
WHEN WE STARTED PAINTING THE TOWN
WE'D HAVE BEEN AWARE THAT OUR LOVE AFFAIR
WAS TOO HOT NOT TO COOL DOWN
SO GOOD-BYE, DEAR, AND AMEN
HERE'S HOPING WE MEET NOW AND THEN
IT WAS GREAT FUN
BUT IT WAS JUST ONE OF THOSE THINGS
COLE
I do have to say that it was gratifying to be having some
success.
(knocking on his head)
Knock on wood. And why don't we leave it at that--
LINDA
This hit came from "Anything Goes."
A MALE SINGER enters and joins the
Female.
MALE SINGER
AT WORDS POETIC, I'M SO PATHETIC
THAT I ALWAYS HAVE FOUND IT BEST,
INSTEAD OF GETTING 'EM OFF MY CHEST,
TO LET 'EM REST UNEXPRESSED.
I HATE PARADING MY SERENADING
AS I'LL PROBABLY MISS A BAR,
BUT IF THIS DITTY IS NOT SO PRETTY,
AT LEAST IT'LL TELL YOU HOW GREAT YOU ARE.
YOU'RE THE TOP! YOU'RE THE COLOSSEUM,
YOU'RE THE TOP!
YOU'RE THE LOUVRE MUSEUM
YOU'RE A MELODY FROM A SYMPHONY BY STRAUSS
YOU'RE A BENDEL BONNET, A SHAKESPEARE SONNET
YOU'RE MICKEY MOUSE.
YOU'RE THE NILE, YOU'RE THE TOW'R OF PISA
YOU'RE THE SMILE ON THE MONA LISA.
I'M A WORTHLESS CHECK, A TOTAL WRECK, A FLOP
BUT IF, BABY, I'M THE BOTTOM,
YOU'RE THE TOP
FEMALE
YOUR WORDS POETIC ARE NOT PATHETIC
ON THE OTHER HAND, BOY, YOU SHINE
AND I CAN FEEL AFTER EVERY LINE
A THRILL DIVINE DOWN MY SPINE.
NOW GIFTED HUMANS LIKE VINCENT YOUMANS
MIGHT THINK THAT YOUR SONG IS BAD,
BUT I'VE GOT A NOTION
I'LL SECOND THE MOTION
AND THIS IS WHAT I'M GOING TO ADD
YOU'RE THE TOP! YOU'RE MAHATMA GHANDI.
YOU'RE THE TOP! YOU'RE NAPOLEON BRANDY.
YOU'RE THE BOATS THAT GLIDE
ON THE SLEEPY ZUIDER ZEE
YOU'RE A DRESS FROM SAKS'S,
YOU'RE NEXT YEAR'S TAXES,
YOU'RE BROCCOLI!
YOU'RE SUBLIME, YOU'RE A TURKEY DINNER.
YOU'RE THE TIME OF THE DERBY WINNER.
I'M A TOY BALLOON THAT IS FATED SOON TO POP
BUT IF, BABY, I'M THE BOTTOM,
YOU'RE THE TOP!
MALE
YOU'RE THE TOP! YOU'RE A DANCE IN BALI.
FEMALE
YOU'RE THE TOP! YOU'RE A HOT TAMALE.
YOU'RE AN ANGEL, YOU SIMPLY TOO, TOO, TOO DIVEEN,
MALE
YOU'RE A BOTTICELLI,
YOU'RE KEATS--
FEMALE
--YOU'RE SHELLEY,
MALE
YOU'RE OVALTINE.
YOU'RE ROMANCE, YOU'RE THE STEPPES OF RUSSIA,
FEMALE
YOU'RE THE PANTS ON A ROXY USHER.
I'M A BROKEN DOLL, A FOL-DE-ROL, A BLOP--
MALE
I'M A FRIGHTENED FROG THAT CAN FIND NO LOG TO HOP--
FEMALE
I'M A NOMINEE OF THE G.O.P. OR GOP,
BOTH
BUT IF, BABY, I'M THE BOTTOM, YOU'RE THE TOP.
Male and Female exit.
COLE
You know, a lot of people wrote parody lyrics of that
song...sometimes I received three hundred a month. And do
you know who wrote the dirtiest lyrics? None other than Mr.
Squeaky Clean God-Bless-America himself, Irving Berlin.
Wanna hear 'em?
(Off of audience affirmative:)
COLE (CONT'D)
YOU'RE THE TOP
YOU'RE A VODKA TONIC
YOU'RE THE TOP
YOU'RE A HIGH COLONIC
YOU'RE THE BURNING HEAT
OF A BRIDAL SUITE IN USE
YOU'RE THE TITS OF VENUS
YOU'RE KING KONG'S PENIS
YOU'RE SELF-ABUSE
YOU'RE AN ARCH
IN THE ROME COLLECTION
YOU'RE THE STARCH
IN THE GROOM'S ERECTION
I'M A EUNUCH WHO
HAS JUST BEEN THROUGH AN OP
BUT IF, BABY--
(Music out, spoken)
Etcetera.
LINDA
Oh, Irving...
COLE
Wonder what he meant by "high colonic"...
LINDA
Cole wrote this next hit for "The Gay Divorce" in 1932.
COLE
Yes...It's been said that I wrote this song for an architect
named Ed Tauch.
(wistful)
Eddie.
(back to audience)
It's also been said that he was the great love of my life.
Linda bristles a bit.
COLE (CONT'D)
But, once again, you're invited to believe whatever version
pleases you.
LINDA
I'd just as soon believe you wrote it for Alexis Smith,
darling.
SOLO MAN enters and sings NIGHT AND
DAY.
SOLO MAN
LIKE THE BEAT, BEAT, BEAT,
OF THE TOM-TOM;
WHEN THE JUNGLE SHADOWS FALL,
LIKE THE TICK, TICK, TOCK
OF THE STATELY CLOCK,
AS IT STANDS AGAINST THE WALL,
LIKE THE DRIP, DRIP, DRIP,
OF THE RAINDROPS,
WHEN THE SUMMER SHOW'R IS THROUGH;
SO A VOICE WITHIN ME
KEEPS REPEATING,
YOU, YOU, YOU --
NIGHT AND DAY
YOU ARE THE ONE,
ONLY YOU BENEATH THE MOON
AND UNDER THE SUN.
WHETHER NEAR TO ME OR FAR,
IT'S NO MATTER, DARLING, WHERE YOU ARE
I THINK OF YOU
NIGHT AND DAY.
DAY AND NIGHT
WHY IS IT SO,
THAT THIS LONGING FOR YOU
FOLLOWS WHERE-EVER I GO?
IN THE ROARING TRAFFIC'S BOOM,
IN THE SILENCE OF MY LONELY ROOM,
I THINK OF YOU,
NIGHT AND DAY.
NIGHT AND DAY
UNDER THE HIDE OF ME
THERE'S AN OH, SUCH A HUNGRY YEARNING,
BURNING INSIDE OF ME.
AND ITS TORMENT WON'T BE THROUGH
TIL YOU LET ME SPEND MY LIFE
MAKING LOVE TO YOU,
DAY AND NIGHT,
NIGHT AND DAY
Solo Man exits.
LINDA
Cole was truly having a rich period.
COLE
Linda--
LINDA
Here's what the critic Walter Clemons had to say about his
work in the 30s.
CLEMONS enters.
CLEMONS
The complexity of Porter's best work sets him somewhat apart
from the other great songwriters of the first half of this
century--Kern, Berlin, Gershwin and Rodgers. A Porter song is
a luxury item, expensively made and extravagantly rhymed. In
a way no other songs of the period quite did, Porter created
a world. It was a between-the-wars realm of drop dead chic
and careless name-dropping insouciance. And it was a sexy
place to be invited.
Clemons exits.
COLE
Yes, that's very kind, but I feel we're gilding the lily--
LINDA
And this one from "Jubilee" in 1935.
COLE
1935...
TRIO enters and sings BEGIN THE
BEGUINE.
TRIO
WHEN THEY BEGIN THE BEGUINE
IT BRINGS BACK THE SOUND OF MUSIC SO TENDER,
IT BRINGS BACK A NIGHT OF TROPICAL SPLENDOR, IT BRINGS BACK A
MEMORY EVERGREEN.
I'M WITH YOU ONCE MORE UNDER THE STARS,
AND DOWN BY THE SHORE AN ORCHESTRA'S PLAYING AND EVEN THE
PALMS SEEM TO BE SWAYING
WHEN THEY BEGIN THE BEGUINE.
TO LIVE IT AGAIN IS PAST ALL ENDEAVOUR,
EXCEPT WHEN THAT TUNE CLUTCHES MY HEART,
AND THERE WE ARE, SWEARING TO LOVE FOREVER, AND PROMISING
NEVER, NEVER TO PART.
WHAT MOMENTS DIVINE, WHAT RAPTURE SERENE,
TILL CLOUDS CAME ALONG TO DISPERSE THE JOYS WE HAD TASTED,
AND NOW WHEN I HEAR PEOPLE CURSE THE CHANCE THAT WAS WASTED,
I KNOW BUT TOO WELL WHAT THEY MEAN;
SO DON'T LET THEM BEGIN THE BEGUINE
LET THE LOVE THAT WAS ONCE A FIRE REMAIN AN EMBER;
LET IT SLEEP LIKE THE DEAD DESIRE I ONLY REMEMBER
WHEN THEY BEGIN THE BEGUINE.
OH YES, LET THEM BEGIN THE BEGUINE,
MAKE THEM PLAY
TILL THE STARS THAT WERE THERE BEFORE RETURN ABOVE YOU,
TILL YOU WHISPER TO ME ONCE MORE,
"DARLING, I LOVE YOU!"
AND WE SUDDENLY KNOW, WHAT HEAVEN WE'RE IN,
WHEN THEY BEGIN THE BEGUINE
LINDA
It is now 1936.
COLE
(a bit anxious)
We are moving forward, aren't we...
LINDA
My husband has embarked upon his career in Hollywood.
COLE
Yes, and here we come to another spot where there are
different stories to choose from.
LINDA
Oh, yes. One story has it that I separated from my husband
because he was throwing sex parties with dozens of young men.
Another story suggests I separated from my husband because he
was throwing sex parties with ten or twelve young men.
COLE
(dryly)
How to maneuver the tangle of all those different stories.
LINDA
That first film you did in Hollywood was "Born to Dance" in
1936. What was the big hit from that one?
COLE
Linda, I'm as big a fan of my work as the next fellow, but
perhaps flouting my successes is tempting the fates.
LINDA
Cole Porter, you did not live one day of your actual life
worried about "tempting the fates"! I know you're thinking
about what happened the following year--
COLE
Perhaps if I had been more cautious--
LINDA
You wouldn't have been the man I married.
SOLO WOMAN enters and sings I'VE GOT
YOU UNDER MY SKIN.
SOLO WOMAN
I'VE GOT YOU UNDER MY SKIN
I'VE GOT YOU DEEP IN THE HEART OF ME
SO DEEP IN MY HEART,
YOU'RE REALLY A PART OF ME
I'VE GOT YOU UNDER MY SKIN
I'VE TRIED SO NOT TO GIVE IN
I'VE SAID TO MYSELF THIS AFFAIR
NEVER WILL GO SO WELL
BUT WHY SHOULD I TRY TO RESIST,
WHEN DARLING I KNOW SO WELL
I'VE GOT YOU UNDER MY SKIN
I'D SACRIFICE ANYTHING COME WHAT MIGHT
FOR THE SAKE OF HAVING YOU NEAR
IN SPITE OF A WARNING VOICE
THAT COMES IN THE NIGHT
AND REPEATS, REPEATS IN MY EAR
DON'T YOU KNOW YOU FOOL, YOU NEVER CAN WIN
USE YOUR MENTALITY, WAKE UP TO REALITY
BUT EACH TIME I DO,
JUST THE THOUGHT OF YOU
MAKES ME STOP BEFORE I BEGIN
'CAUSE I'VE GOT YOU UNDER MY SKIN
COLE
Linda, I think I'd prefer to fast-forward to--
LINDA
Cole, we would be remiss. Your string of hit shows was
continuing.
COLE
(knocking on his head)
Knock on wood.
Underscore/Intro begins to RAP TAP ON
WOOD. ENSEMBLE begins to enter.
LINDA
You were the toast of the town, and getting your bread
buttered everywhere you landed.
COLE
Linda...
LINDA
The year is 1937.
COLE
And my life begged the question: How can things possibly stay
this good?
ENSEMBLE enters and performs RAP TAP ON
WOOD.
ENSEMBLE
IF YOU WANT TO RING THE BELL NOT ONCE, BUT TWICE
IF YOU WANT TO ROLL AND ROLL THOSE LUCKY DICE
IF YOU WANT TO SPEND YOUR JOURNEY'S END WITH SWEET MUSIC AND
LOVE
IF YOU WANT TO LICK THIS WORLD OF MEN AND MICKEY MICE
TAKE MY ADVICE...
WHEN YOU SIT DOWN, ONE DAY
LOOK OVER YOURSELF AND SAY
"YOU'RE VERY GOOD"
RA-AP TAP ON WOOD
WHEN YOU HAVE SUCH SUCCESS
YOU'RE CONSCIOUS THAT YOU IMPRESS
THE NEIGHBORHOOD
RA-AP TAP ON WOOD
Linda and Cole are at opposite ends of
the stage.
LINDA
You were meeting with producers, celebrities, and strapping
young men. And I was meeting with lawyers.
Cole dances with men, suggestively.
ENSEMBLE
WHEN EV'RY MEAL YOU TAKE
IS MADE OF MILK AND HONEY
WHEN EV'RY STOCK YOU TAKE
IS MAKING MINTS OF MONEY
WHEN EV'RY HEART YOU BREAK
IS SUCH A CINCH, IT'S FUNNY
CAREFUL, SONNY
RAP-TAP, RAP-TAP, RAP-TAP-TAP, RAP-A-TAP-TAP
LINDA
I knew what was going on. So did everyone we knew, and
plenty we didn't. I had had enough, and I was in the process
of giving Mr. Porter his own Gay Divorce.
ENSEMBLE
YOU'RE KNOCKOUT, YOU'RE GOOD NEWS
AND YOU'LL NEVER, NEVER LOSE
IF YOU JUST PUT ON YOUR DANCING SHOES
AND RAP-TAP ON WOOD
COLE
Well, I can't say I was thrilled with what Linda was doing.
It wasn't perfect, having her talk of divorce...but
everything else was so damn good.
ENSEMBLE
WHEN EV'RY MEAL YOU TAKE
IS MADE OF MILK AND HONEY
LINDA
And then, in October of 1937--
COLE
Linda, please...
ENSEMBLE
WHEN EV'RY STOCK YOU TAKE
IS MAKING MINTS OF MONEY
LINDA
Cole, we have to tell them...
COLE
I don't want to go there!
ENSEMBLE
WHEN EV'RY HEART YOU BREAK
IS SUCH A CINCH, IT'S FUNNY
CAREFUL, SONNY
ENSEMBLE MAN
Cole Porter had been warned against
riding a particularly skittish horse at
the Piping Rock Club in Locust Valley,
Long Island.
COLE
(feeling increasing pain)
No...
ENSEMBLE WOMAN
The horse reared, fell, rolled on him, and crushed both his
legs.
Cole, amid SFX of horse sounds and the
rap-tap lyrics, falls.
ENSEMBLE
RAP-TAP, RAP-TAP, RAP-TAP-TAP, RAP-A-TAP-TAP
Music and SFX out, Ensemble exits,
leaving Cole in a special and Linda, at
a distance, in another special.
LINDA
Of course, I halted divorce proceedings immediately.
Underscore/Intro to AT LONG LAST LOVE
comes in.
LINDA (CONT'D)
It has been written that Cole--during the excruciating hours
in the woods, waiting for help--wrote this song. Is that the
truth? Why don't we agree it is. For Cole.
SOLO MALE SINGER enters, begins song.
SOLO MALE
IS IT AN EARTHQUAKE OR SIMPLY A SHOCK?
IS IT THE GOOD TURTLE SOUP OR MERELY THE MOCK?
IS IT A COCKTAIL, THIS FEELING OF JOY?
OR IS WHAT I FEEL THE REAL MCCOY?
The rest of ENSEMBLE joins him.
ENSEMBLE
IS IT FOR ALL TIME OR SIMPLY A LARK?
IS IT GRANADA I SEE OR ONLY ASBURY PARK?
IS IT A FANCY NOT WORTH THINKING OF?
OR IS IT AT LONG LAST...
Cole lifts his head to the audience,
and softly sings the last word.
COLE
...LOVE.
END OF ACT ONE
ACT TWO
Cole lies, depressed, in a hospital
bed. Linda sits by him on the bed.
LINDA
Cole...
COLE
I didn't want to live through this again...
LINDA
This was your life, Cole.
COLE
Just once, couldn't my life not include this part?
LINDA
Not and have it be your life, darling.
(to audience)
Even in the midst of all this pain, Cole told Elsa Maxwell--
ELSA enters.
ELSA
--It just goes to show fifty million Frenchmen can't be
wrong. They eat horses instead of ride them.
Cole does not acknowledge this. Elsa
exits.
LINDA
Cole walked with crutches or used a wheelchair the rest of
his life, and seldom had a day without pain.
COLE
(becoming more despondent)
Oh, God...
TWO DOCTORS enter.
DOCTOR
Mrs. Porter, your husband's legs need to be amputated.
LINDA
No! Do anything else you can. Except that.
The Doctors exit. Cole sinks deeper.
LINDA (CONT'D)
I refused to let the doctors amputate his legs. Cole went
through more than thirty operations over the next twenty
years. But I knew that losing his legs would break him.
She turns to look at Cole, despondent.
LINDA (CONT'D)
I know he looks broken now...but I was right.
(to Cole)
Cole...?
She gets no response. ENSEMBLE MEMBERS,
concerned, enter and gather around the
bed.
LINDA (CONT'D)
Cole...
COLE
Leave me alone.
LINDA
Cole, this happened a long time ago. Please try to
remember...we're dead now.
COLE
This feels too real.
LINDA
Cole Porter continued to write music after this terrible
accident...some of the most glorious music of his career. I
may have saved his legs, but music saved his life.
Cole becomes a little less heavy in
bed.
LINDA (CONT'D)
Cole, would one of your songs help you?
Cole is silent.
LINDA (CONT'D)
Cole, how about "Blow, Gabriel"?
Beat.
COLE
(weakly)
Blow Gabriel? I would like to meet him first...
LINDA
(to Ensemble)
I think he's feeling better.
Ensemble begins singing BLOW, GABRIEL,
BLOW. During the first half of the
song, Cole slowly gets better,
beginning to sit up.
SINGER
DO YOU HEAR THAT PLAYIN'?
ENSEMBLE
YES, WE HEAR THAT PLAYIN'.
SINGER
DO YOU KNOW WHO'S PLAYIN'?
ENSEMBLE
NO, WHO IS THAT PLAYIN'?
SINGER
WHY IT'S GABRIEL, GABRIEL PLAYIN'.
GABRIEL, GABRIEL SAYIN',
"WILL YOU BE READY TO GO WHEN I BLOW MY HORN?"
ENSEMBLE
BLOW, GABRIEL, BLOW,
COME ON AND BLOW, GABRIEL, BLOW!
I'VE BEEN A SINNER, I'VE BEEN A SCAMP,
BUT NOW I'M WILLING TO TRIM MY LAMP,
SO BLOW, GABRIEL, BLOW!
I WAS LOW, GABRIEL, LOW,
MIGHTY LOW, GABRIEL, LOW.
BUT NOW THAT I HAVE SEEN THE LIGHT,
I'M GOOD BY DAY AND I'M GOOD BY NIGHT,
SO BLOW, GABRIEL, BLOW.
ONCE I WAS HEADED FOR HELL,
ONCE I WAS HEADED FOR HELL,
BUT WHEN I GOT TO SATAN'S DOOR
I HEARD YOU BLOWIN' ON YOUR HORN ONCE MORE,
SO I SAID, "SATAN, FAREWELL!"
Cole finally participates, tentatively.
COLE
AND NOW I'M ALL READY TO FLY,
YES, TO FLY HIGHER AND HIGHER!
"CAUSE I'VE GONE THROUGH THE BRIMSTONE
AND I'VE BEEN THROUGH THE FIRE,
AND I'VE PURGED MY SOUL AND MY HEART TOO,
SO CLIMB UP THE MOUNTAIN TOP AND START TO BLOW, GABRIEL,
BLOW.
ALL
GO ON AND BLOW, GABRIEL, BLOW!
I WANT TO JOIN YOUR HAPPY BAND
AND PLAY ALL DAY IN THE PROMISED LAND,
SO BLOW, GABRIEL, BLOW!
Repeat verse/chorus as needed for big
finish.
Ensemble exits as Linda joins Cole.
COLE
Ah...it's good to be dead!
LINDA
I'm glad the music inspired you when we mere mortals
couldn't.
COLE
My darling, there are two or three major incidents in my life
that are not easy to bounce back from. Your death was one of
them...but I guess we'll get to that later.
LINDA
It's flattering to hear that you would sink so low at my
loss, Cole, but please don't. At least not in this version.
COLE
Actually, I've always considered myself rather the perkiest
of people.
TWO PARTY GUESTS and MOSS HART enter.
PARTY GUEST 1
He was withdrawn and aloof, not exactly fun to be with.
PARTY GUEST 2
He could be cold, indifferent and rude.
COLE
I've been accused most of my life of being remote. But I've
actually been working. I've done lots of work at dinner,
sitting between two bores. I can feign listening beautifully
and work.
PARTY GUEST 1
I don't think he feigned so beautifully.
PARTY GUEST 2
Cold, indifferent and rude.
COLE
Listen, chums, when you become more interesting than the song
in my head, we'll debate the subject.
(to audience)
I can work anywhere. I have no hours. I work very well when
I'm shaving or when I'm in a taxi. And when that horse fell
on me, I was too stunned to be conscious of great pain, but
until help came I worked on the lyrics for 'At Long Last
Love."
LINDA
That's his story, and he's sticking to it.
COLE
I've also heard it said that I bore very easily.
MOSS
His boredom threshold was so extremely low that he could
withdraw and disappear before your eyes with an almost
sinister facility.
COLE
What to say about my boredom threshold? I'd come up with
something, but...it's all too, too tedious, now isn't it?
Why, I'm asleep with my eyes open right now, at the thought
of it.
So, with my limited threshold for monotony, it only makes
sense that I can write standard love songs for just so long
without putting a little "vive" into "le difference," n'est
ce pas? So here are a few ditties I wrote when "I love you"
simply wasn't putting any starch in my collars.
All five exit, as MALE and FEMALE enter
and perform YOU IRRITATE ME SO.
MALE
WHEN YOU FIRST SAID, "BABY MINE,
LET ME BE YOUR VALENTINE."
I ASSUMED THAT PHRASE MEANT
YOU GAVE YOUR HEART TO ME.
I WAS SURE YOU'D BE SO NICE,
JUST A PARCEL FROM PARADISE,
BUT TO MY AMAZEMENT,
LOOK WHAT YOU'VE TURNED OUT TO BE!
YOU'RE THE FLY IN MY OINTMENT,
YOU'RE THE FROG IN MY THROAT.
YOU'RE THE WEED IN MY GARDEN
YOU'RE THE LEAK IN MY BOAT
YOU'RE THE BATS IN MY BELFRY
YOU'RE THE PEBBLE IN MY SHOE
YOU'RE THE BULL IN MY CHINA SHOP
YOU'RE THE MOUSE IN MY STEW
YOU'RE THE KNOCK IN MY ENGINE
YOU'RE THE RUST IN MY GEAR
YOU'RE THE ACHE IN MY TUMMY
YOU'RE THE PAIN IN MY--
THE HURRICANE IN MY--
SUPERSENSITIVE HEART, DEAR.
STILL I LOVE YOU, KNOW
AND THE REASON IS MERELY BECAUSE
YOU IRRITATE ME SO.
YOU FASCINATE ME
YOU DEVASTATE ME
BECAUSE, MY DEARIE, YOU IRRITATE ME SO!
FEMALE
I'M THE BEE IN YOUR BONNET
I'M THE SOAP IN YOUR EYE
I'M THE RUN IN YOUR STOCKING
I'M THE CLOUD IN YOUR SKY
MALE
YOU'RE THE FALL IN MY ARCHES
YOU'RE THE WATER ON MY KNEE
YOU'RE THE MOTH IN MY CEDAR CHEST
YOU'RE THE SHARK IN MY SEA.
FEMALE
I'M THE HITCH IN YOUR ZIPPER
I'M THE CRACK IN YOUR GLASS
I'M THE TAX ON YOUR INCOME
I'M THE PAIN IN YOUR--
THE HURRICANE IN YOUR--
SUPERSENSITIVE HEART, DEAR.
MALE
STILL I LOVE YOU, KNOW
AND THE REASON IS MERELY BECAUSE
YOU IRRITATE ME SO.
YOU FASCINATE ME
YOU DEVASTATE ME
BECAUSE, MY DEARIE, YOU IRRITATE ME SO!
They exit as WOMAN enters and performs
GET OUT OF TOWN.
WOMAN
GET OUT OF TOWN
BEFORE IT'S TOO LATE, MY LOVE.
GET OUT OF TOWN,
BE GOOD TO ME PLEASE.
WHY WISH ME HARM?
WHY NOT RETIRE TO A FARM,
AND BE CONTENTED TO CHARM
THE BIRDS OFF THE TREES?
JUST DISAPPEAR,
I CARE FOR YOU TOO MUCH,
AND WHEN YOU ARE NEAR,
CLOSE TO ME, DEAR,
WE TOUCH TOO MUCH.
THE THRILL WHEN WE MEET
IS SO BITTERSWEET
THAT DARLING, IT'S GETTING ME DOWN.
SO ON YOUR MARK, GET SET,
GET OUT OF TOWN.
Woman exits as COLE reenters.
COLE
Those of you with a certain bent for the analytical may be
formulating some theory that the ambivalent way in which I
write about love relationships may have something to do with
the complicated love I shared with my wife, not to mention my
cornucopia of men. I think that's very ambitious of you,
whoever you are. And don't get me wrong...I was a big fan of
psychotherapy, particularly when my little chum Moss Hart
wrote about it in "Lady in the Dark." But that was before
everyone started taking themselves seriously...
FEMALE enters and performs IT'S BAD FOR
ME.
FEMALE
YOUR WORDS GO THROUGH AND THROUGH ME
AND LEAVE ME TOTALLY DAZED
FOR THEY DO SUCH STRANGE THINGS TO ME
THEY NEARLY MAKE ME GLOOMY
FOR YOU, DEAR, ARE SO CLEVER
SO OBVIOUSLY "THE TOP,"
I WISH YOU'D GO ON FOREVER
I WISH EVEN MORE YOU'D STOP.
FOR IT'S BAD FOR ME, IT'S BAD FOR ME
THIS KNOWLEDGE THAT YOU'RE GOING MAD FOR ME
I FEEL CERTAIN MY FRIENDS WOULD BE GLAD FOR ME
BUT IT'S BAD FOR ME.
IT'S SO GOOD FOR ME, SO NEW FOR ME
TO SEE SOMEONE IN SUCH A STEW FOR ME
AND WHEN YOU SAY YOU'D DO ALL YOU COULD FOR ME
IT'S SO GOOD FOR ME, IT'S BAD FOR ME.
I THOUGHT I'D BEEN, TILL YOU MET ME,
COMPLETELY PUT ON THE SHELF.
BUT SINCE YOU STARTED TO PET ME
I'M JUST CRAZY ABOUT MYSELF.
OH, IT'S SWEET FOR ME, IT'S SWELL FOR ME
TO KNOW THAT YOU'RE GOING THROUGH HELL FOR ME
YET NO MATTER HOWEVER APPEALING
I STILL HAVE A FEELING
IT'S BAD FOR ME.
Female exits as MAN enters to perform
PLUMBING.
COLE
(very dry)
My goodness, what dark insight into my tortured soul that
was. I must be very fucked up...
Cole exits.
MAN
YOU ASK ME, DEAR, TO SING YOU A SONG?
I NEVER SANG A SONG BEFORE, I MAY GO WRONG.
SO I SUPPOSE THE WISE THING TO DO
IS TO WEAVE AN AIR ABOUT
THE ONLY THING I CARE ABOUT
THINK ABOUT AND DREAM ABOUT THE WHOLE DAY THROUGH.
PLUMBING, MAKING LIFE SO SWEET AND SO CLEAN
PLUMBING, GIVING US SUCH MOMENTS SERENE
WHEN DO I MISS MY LITTLE HOME
AT THE END OF THE GARDEN PATH?
NOT WHEN I MISS A MOTHER'S LOVE,
BUT WHEN I NEED A BATH.
PLUMBING, AS THE WORLD REVOLVES AND REVOLVES
PLUMBING, WHAT A LOT OF PROBLEMS IT SOLVES.
SO WHY SHOULD THE CRITICS CRY THAT IT'S UNBECOMING
IF I SING OF PLUMBING, MODERN PLUMBING.
Man exits as Cole reenters.
COLE
I don't know if you ever noticed, but I do have a bit of the
naughty-buddy in me...a tendency toward the risque, the nudge
and the wink, the slap and the tickle. Well...that has
sometimes been a bone of contention...which is, frankly, one
of the few bones this dog won't hunt. But I digress. The
point is,
(appearing somber and penitent)
I've written lyrics of which Mother wouldn't approve.
(glint in his eye)
Wanna hear some of 'em?
Drum intro to TOO DARN HOT begins, as
ENSEMBLE enter.
COLE (CONT'D)
Up in heaven's happy portals, we just couldn't get over your
response to Miss Janet Jackson's mammary mishap a few years
ago.
ENSEMBLE
IT'S TOO DARN HOT.
IT'S TOO DARN HOT.
COLE
What...you're surprised we were watching that? Well, we do
try to keep abreast of things. And it was fascinating, the
shift in morality from one flash of teat, eh?
ENSEMBLE
I'D LIKE TO SUP WITH MY BABY TONIGHT
FULFILL THE CUP WITH MY BABY TONIGHT
COLE
And all the poor writers, the ones with the flair for the
risque... what were they to do in these newly Victorian
times?
ENSEMBLE
I'D LIKE TO SUP WITH MY BABY TONIGHT
AND PLAY THE PUP WITH MY BABY TONIGHT
BUT I AIN'T UP TO MY BABY TONIGHT
CUZ IT'S TOO DARN HOT
COLE
It reminded me of the pall that settled over things back in
the day when a perfectly ghastly little reptile named William
Hayes imposed a "code" on all of us. It was allegedly a call
for decency, to keep all us sin-mongers from infecting the
American people with our rampant debauchery.
ENSEMBLE
IT'S TOO DARN HOT
IT'S TOO DARN HOT
COLE
Well...as loathsome as that little ferret and his minions
were, they really weren't able to flush out all the sin from
the cinema. They just made us camouflage it a little better.
ENSEMBLE
I'D LIKE TO FOOL WITH MY BABY TONIGHT
BREAK EV'RY RULE WITH MY BABY TONIGHT
I'D LIKE TO FOOL WITH MY BABY TONIGHT
BREAK EV'RY RULE WITH MY BABY TONIGHT
BUT PILLOW YOU'LL BE MY BABY TONIGHT
CAUSE IT'S TOO DARN HOT
ACCORDING TO THE KINSEY REPORT
EV'RY AVERAGE MAN YOU KNOW
MUCH PREFERS TO PLAY HIS FAVORITE SPORT
WHEN THE TEMPERATURE IS LOW
BUT WHEN THE THERMOMETER GOES WAY UP
AND THE WEATHER IS SIZZLING HOT
MISTER ADAM FOR HIS MADAM IS NOT
CAUSE IT'S TOO TOO
IT'S TOO DARN HOT,
IT'S TOO DARN HOT
IT'S TOO TOO TOO TOO DARN HOT
I'D LIKE TO CALL ON MY BABY TONGIHT
AND GIVE MY ALL TO MY BABY TONIGHT
I'D LIKE TO CALL ON MY BABY TONGIHT
AND GIVE MY ALL TO MY BABY TONIGHT
BUT I CAN'T PLAY BALL WITH MY BABY TONIGHT
CAUSE IT'S TOO DARN HOT
IT'S TOO DARN HOT
Most of Ensemble exits, leaving one MAN
and WOMAN. He sings LET'S MISBEHAVE to
her.
MAN
IT'S GETTING LATE, AND WHILE I WAIT,
MY POOR HEART ACHES ON.
WHY KEEP THE BRAKES ON?
LET'S MISBEHAVE.
I FEEL QUITE SURE AFFAIRE D'AMOUR
WOULD BE ATTRACTIVE
WHILE WE'RE STILL ACTIVE,
LET'S MISBEHAVE.
WHEN ADAM WON EVE'S HAND,
HE WOULDN'T STAND FOR TEASIN'
HE DIDN'T CARE ABOUT
THOSE APPLES OUT OF SEASON.
THEY SAY THAT BEARS HAVE LOVE AFFAIRS,
AND EVEN CAMELS -
WE'RE MERELY MAMMALS
LET'S MISBEHAVE.
Man exits. Woman sings I WANT TO BE
RAIDED BY YOU.
WOMAN
THERE'S A P'LICEMAN ON MY STREET
AND HE'S OH SO SWEET
AND WHEN HE SHAKES HIS STICK
I GET A KIND OF KICK
I THOUGHT WAS OBSOLETE.
EV'RY TIME HE PASSES BY
WITH HIS ROVING EYE
I GET SUCH HEART DISEASE
I SINK UPON MY KNEES
AND I CRY.
PEOPLE SAY THAT I'M
A DAUGHTER OF CRIME
AND I WANT TO BE RAIDED BY YOU
BRAVE BOBBY
BEHAVE, BOBBY
THE WAY I WANT YOU TO
I COULD CALL, OF COURSE,
ON THE REST OF THE FORCE
BUT I WANT TO BE RAIDED BY YOU
I'VE PRAYED AND PRAYED
AND PRAYED FOR A RAID
BUT NO ONE EVER CALLS MY BLUFF
SO STEP RIGHT IN
AND KINDLY BEGIN
TO DO, DO, DO YOUR STUFF
DIVINE BOBBY
BE MINE, BOBBY
AND THRILL ME THROUGH AND THROUGH
I'M A NIGHT CLUB QUEEN
AND RATHER OBSCENE
AND I WANT TO BE RAIDED BY YOU.
GIRL DANCER and TWO GUYS enter, doing TOM, DICK or HARRY.
GIRL DANCER
I'M A MAID MAD TO MARRY
AND WOULD TAKE, DOUBLE QUICK
ANY TO-O-OM, DI-I-ICK OR HARRY--
COLE enters.
COLE
And sometimes, they can't possibly tell you what you're doing
is dirty, because it's just a man's name...What are you
censors, sex maniacs?
GIRL DANCER
--ANY TO-O-OM, HARRY OR--
GIRL DANCER AND GUYS
DICK, DICK, DICK
A-DICK-A DICK, DICK, DICK
A-DICK-A DICK, DICK, DICK
They dance off.
COLE
How could anyone think there was anything dirty about that?
Or this...
Cole exits as MALE and FEMALE enter for
LET'S DO IT.
MALE SINGER
BIRDS DO IT, BEES DO IT
EVEN EDUCATED FLEAS DO IT
LET'S DO IT, LET'S FALL IN LOVE
FEMALE
IN SPAIN, THE BEST UPPER SETS DO IT
LITHUANIANS AND LETTS DO IT
LET'S DO IT, LET'S FALL IN LOVE
SECOND MALE enters.
SECOND MALE
THE DUTCH IN OLD AMSTERDAM DO IT
NOT TO MENTION THE FINNS
FOLKS IN SIAM DO IT - THINK OF SIAMESE TWINS
BOTH MALES
IN SHALLOW SHOALS ENGLISH SOLES DO IT
FEMALE
GOLDFISH IN THE PRIVACY OF BOWLS DO IT
ALL THREE
LET'S DO IT, LET'S FALL IN LOVE
SECOND MALE
THEY SAY THE BELGIANS AND GREEKS DO IT
NICE YOUNG MEN WHO SELL ANTIQUES DO IT,
LET'S DO IT, LET'S FALL IN LOVE.
FEMALE
MOSQUITOS, HEAVEN FORBID, DO IT
SO DOES EV'RY KATYDID DO IT
LET'S DO IT, LET'S FALL IN LOVE.
FIRST MALE
THE MOST REFINED LADYBUGS DO IT
WHEN A GENTLEMAN CALLS
MOTHS IN YOUR RUGS DO IT
WHAT'S THE USE OF MOTH BALLS?
BOTH MALES
EACH TINY CLAM YOU CONSUME DOES IT,
FEMALE
EVEN LIBERACE--
FIRST MALE
--WE ASSUME--
SECOND MALE
--DOES IT
ALL THREE
LET'S DO IT, LET'S FALL IN LOVE!
Female exits, and COLE and FOURTH MALE
enter. Four Men perform BRUSH UP YOUR
SHAKESPEARE.
FOUR MEN
THE GIRLS TODAY IN SOCIETY
GO FOR CLASSICAL POETRY
SO TO WIN THEIR HEARTS ONE MUST QUOTE WITH EASE
AESCHYLUS AND EURIPIDES
ONE MUST KNOW HOMER, AND BELIEVE ME, BEAU SOPHOCLES, ALSO
SAPPHO-HO
UNLESS YOU KNOW SHELLEY AND KEATS AND POPE
DAINTY DEBBIES WILL CALL YOU A DOPE
BUT THE POET OF THEM ALL
WHO WILL START 'EM SIMPLY RAVIN'
IS THE POET WE ALL CALL
THE BARD OF STRATFORD ON AVON
BRUSH UP YOUR SHAKESPEARE
START QUOTING HIM NOW
BRUSH UP YOUR SHAKESPEARE
AND THE WOMEN YOU WILL WOW
JUST DECLAIM A FEW LINES FROM OTHELLA
AND THEY'LL THINK YOU'RE A HELL OF A FELLA
IF YOUR BLONDE WON'T RESPOND WHEN YOU FLATTER 'ER
TELL HER WHAT TONY TOLD CLEOPATTERER
IF SHE FIGHTS WHEN HER CLOTHES YOU ARE MUSSING
WHAT ARE CLOTHES? MUCH ADO ABOUT NUSSING
BRUSH UP YOUR SHAKESPEARE
AND THEY'LL ALL KOW-TOW
WITH THE WIFE OF THE BRITISH AMBASSIDA
TRY A CRACK OUT OF TROILUS AND CRESSIDA
IF SHE SAYS SHE WON'T BUY IT OR TIKE IT
MAKE HER TIKE IT, WHAT'S MORE AS YOU LIKE IT
IF SHE SAYS YOUR BEHAVIOR IS HEINOUS
KICK HER RIGHT IN THE CORIOLANUS
BRUSH UP YOUR SHAKESPEARE
AND THEY'LL ALL KOW-TOW
BRUSH UP YOUR SHAKESPEARE
START QUOTING HIM NOW
BRUSH UP YOUR SHAKESPEARE
AND THE WOMEN YOU WILL WOW
IF YOU CAN'T BE A HAM AND DO HAMLET
THEY WILL NOT GIVE A DAMN OR A DAMLET
JUST RECITE AN OCCASIONAL SONNET
AND YOUR LAP'LL HAVE HONEY UPON IT
WHEN YOUR BABY IS PLEADING FOR PLEASURE
LET HER SAMPLE YOUR MEASURE FOR MEASURE
BRUSH UP YOUR SHAKESPEARE
AND THEY'LL ALL KOW-TOW
BETTER MENTION "THE MERCHANT OF VENICE"
WHEN HER SWEET POUND O' FLESH YOU WOULD MENACE
IF HER VIRTUE, AT FIRST, SHE DEFENDS---WELL JUST REMIND HER
THAT "ALL'S WELL THAT ENDS WELL"
IF BECAUSE OF YOUR HEAT SHE GETS HUFFY
SIMPLY PLAY ON AND "LAY ON, MACDUFFY!"
BRUSH UP YOUR SHAKESPEARE AND THEY'LL ALL KOW-TOW - FORSOOTH
AND THEY'LL ALL KOW-TOW - THINKST THOU?
AND THEY'LL ALL KOW-TOW - ODDS BODKINS
AND THEY'LL ALL KOW-TOW - WE TROU'
AND THEY'LL ALL KOW-TOW
Four Men exit as LINDA enters, followed
by THREE WOMEN.
LINDA
My husband, bless his free-thinking, egalitarian libido,
didn't favor the men when it came to handing out the naughty
lyrics. For what good is dirt if you can't spread it around?
Linda exits as Three Women do THE
LEADER OF A BIG TIME BAND.
THREE WOMEN
IF A GIRL IN ANY SECTOR
MAKES YOU FEEL LIKE A PUPPY CALLED HECTOR,
AND YOU'RE LONGING TO SUBJECT 'ER,
TO ELECT 'ER YOUR WIFE AND PROTECT 'ER,
IF SHE'S JUST AS SWEET AS NECTAR,
BUT OF YOUR JOB SHE'S NO RESPECTER,
BECOME A TOP BAND DIRECTOR
AND YOU NEVER, NEVER WILL MISS.
IN THE GILDED AGE, A WALL STREET MILLIONAIRE
WAS THE ANSWER TO A WORKING MAIDEN'S PRAYER,
BUT TODAY SHE'D CHUCK THAT YEARLY FIFTY GRAND
FOR THE LEADER OF A BIG-TIME BAND.
IN THE DAYS WHEN CASANOVA WAS THE TOPS
ALL HIS RIVALS WITH THE FEMMES WERE FAMOUS FLOPS,
BUT TODAY WHO'S GOT THAT EXTRA MONKEY GLAND?
WHY, THE LEADER OF A BIG-TIME BAND.
WHEN GOODMAN, CHAMP OF CHAMPS,
GOES BLOWIN' BLUE,
RUM-RIDDEN DEBUTRAMPS
NEARLY COME TO.
'CAUSE THERE'S NOTHING, WHEN YOU'RE OUT, LIKE BEING FANNED
BY THE LEADER OF A BIG-TIME BAND.
IN THE DAYS WHEN OLD KING LOUIE HELD THE SCENE,
ANY JOCK WHO HAD THE JACK COULD PLAY THE QUEEN,
BUT TODAY WHO'D COME AND PLAY THAT BABY GRAND?
WHY, THE LEADER OF A BIG-TIME BAND.
WHEN, IN VENICE, GEORGIE SAND WITH CHOPIN ROMPED,
HER LIBIDO HAD THE LIDO SIMPLY SWAMPED,
BUT TODAY WHO WOULD BE BURIED IN THE SAND?
WHY, THE LEADER OF A BIG-TIME BAND.
WHEN CUGAT COMES TO TEA
WITH GYPSY ROSE,
SHE GETS SO HET UP SHE
PUTS ON HER CLOTHES,
AND SHE ONLY TURNS ONE CHEEK WHILE BEING SCANNED
BY THE LEADER OF A BIG-TIME, JIG-TIME
DIG-A-DIG-A-DIG-TIME BAND.
Three Women exit as Cole and Linda
reenter.
LINDA
(to Cole)
Cheeky.
COLE
And not the one on your face, either!
LINDA
Yes, dear.
COLE
Even though most of the lyrics that were considered so
notorious came from comedy songs, there was one ballad whose
infamy took me completely by surprise.
LINDA
Well, Cole, it was about a--...what's the word I'm looking
for...?
COLE
Trollop? Call girl? Chippie?
LINDA
Yes, dear.
COLE
I couldn't understand it. You can write a novel about a
harlot, paint a picture of a harlot, but you can't write a
song about a harlot.
LINDA
The song was banned from American radio for many years. It
seems that the uproar was not so much that the song concerned
a...
COLE
Concubine? Courtesan? Blower?
LINDA
Yes, Cole. It was--
(stopping short)
"Blower"?
COLE
It's in the thesaurus. Really.
LINDA
In any event, the great outcry concerned the fact that the
"blower" in the song was not blamed for her lot.
COLE
And why should she be? There but for the grace of God blow
I.
LINDA
Yes, Cole.
She leads him off as WOMAN enters to
sing LOVE FOR SALE.
WOMAN
WHEN THE ONLY SOUND ON THE EMPTY STREET
IS THE HEAVY TREAD OF THE HEAVY FEET
THAT BELONG TO A LONESOME COP
I OPEN SHOP
WHEN THE MOON SO LONG HAS BEEN GAZING DOWN
ON THE WAYWARD WAYS OF A WAYWARD TOWN
THAT A SMILE BECOMES A SMIRK
I GO TO WORK
LOVE FOR SALE
APPETIZING YOUNG LOVE FOR SALE
LOVE THAT'S FRESH AND STILL UNSPOILED
LOVE THAT'S ONLY SLIGHTLY SOILED
LOVE FOR SALE
WHO WILL BUY?
WHO WOULD LIKE TO SAMPLE MY SUPPLY?
WHO'S PREPARED TO PAY THE PRICE
FOR A TRIP TO PARADISE?
LOVE FOR SALE
LET THE POETS PIPE OF LOVE
IN THEIR CHILDISH WAYS
I KNOW EVERY KIND OF LOVE
BETTER FAR THAN THEY
IF YOU WANT THE THRILL OF LOVE,
I'VE BEEN THROUGH THE MILL OF LOVE
OLD LOVE, NEW LOVE
EVERY KIND BUT TRUE LOVE
FOR SALE
APPETIZING YOUNG LOVE FOR SALE
IF YOU WANT TO BUY MY WARES
FOLLOW ME AND CLIMB THE STAIRS
LOVE FOR SALE
LOVE FOR SALE
Woman exits as COLE reenters.
COLE
So perhaps you've been wondering all this time--even though
I've done my level best to distract you--how things were for
me with my two shattered legs and all the surgeries I
tolerated trying to get those damn things to walk.
MAN enters.
MAN
In his apartment in the Waldorf Towers, Cole Porter had a
small embroidered pillow that said, "Don't Explain--Don't
Complain."
COLE
I was fine. And if you think I holed myself up like some kind
of cripple, then you forget that I love to travel. And I'd
never been to Machu Picchu.
A SECOND MAN comes in and they both
hoist Cole in their arms.
COLE (CONT'D)
With my valet Paul and a male nurse--and some crutches and a
wheelchair--I climbed those Andes. And even though I'd just
been through two years of surgeries, I had plenty of energy
and felt great. I had a lot more energy than Paul and the
nurse, in fact.
Paul and Nurse set Cole down, after "a
long hike." They are exhausted.
PAUL
(panting)
I wonder why...
COLE
And when the only way to climb the ruins was by riding a
horse...I rode a horse. Peruvian horses are apparently far
less clumsy than the Long Island variety.
The two men exit, and LINDA enters.
COLE (CONT'D)
I worked, I traveled, I had dinner parties, I fell into
romantic abandon...and I loved my wife.
LINDA
In 1954, my emphysema got the better of me.
COLE
Linda...
LINDA
It's time, Cole.
ATTENDANTS bring out a chair for Linda
to weakly sit in. Cole sings EVERY TIME
WE SAY GOODBYE as Linda becomes weaker,
then dies, then is carried off.
COLE
EVERY TIME WE SAY GOODBYE, I DIE A LITTLE
EVERY TIME WE SAY GOODBYE, I WONDER WHY A LITTLE
WHY THE GODS ABOVE ME, WHO MUST BE IN THE KNOW
THINK SO LITTLE OF ME THEY ALLOW YOU TO GO
WHEN YOU'RE NEAR THERE'S SUCH AN AIR OF SPRING ABOUT IT
I CAN HEAR A LARK SOMEWHERE BEGIN TO SING ABOUT IT
THERE'S NO LOVE SONG FINER
BUT HOW STRANGE THE CHANGE FROM MAJOR TO MINOR
EVERY TIME WE SAY GOODBYE
WOMAN enters. Through the following,
Cole continues staring in the direction
in which Linda was carried out.
WOMAN
Cole returned to the home in Williamstown he had owned for
years with Linda...where the guest cottage--where Cole had
always lived--was still called "No Trespassing."
A SECOND WOMAN enters.
SECOND WOMAN
After her death, Cole never once set foot in Linda's House.
A MAN enters and begins to sing WHAT IS
THIS THING CALLED LOVE.
MAN
WHAT IS THIS THING CALLED LOVE?
SECOND WOMAN
If he needed supplies, he would make a list and give it to
the servants.
MAN
THIS FUNNY THING CALLED LOVE.
SECOND WOMAN
And wait outside the door while the servants collected them.
MAN
JUST WHO CAN SOLVE ITS MYSTERY?
WHY SHOULD IT MAKE A FOOL OF ME?
WOMAN
Eventually, Cole Porter dynamited "Linda's House," and moved
"No Trespassing" to its foundation. For the superior views.
MAN
I SAW YOU THERE ONE WONDERFUL DAY
YOU TOOK MY HEART AND THREW IT AWAY
THAT'S WHY I ASK THE LORD IN HEAVEN ABOVE
The Two Women join him in harmony for the last line.
ALL THREE
WHAT IS THIS THING CALLED LOVE?
Cole snaps out of his reverie, taking
in the singers who have just finished.
COLE
(to the singers)
Thank you.
(to audience)
Don't worry...I'm not going under again. As you may have
noticed, if I stay with the music, I don't lose myself. In
fact, I still had one more show to write after Linda's death.
It was called "Silk Stockings," and it featured a song I
think you've heard once before, when I bent the laws of time
and space and sang it to a Russian named Boris about thirty
years ago.
Cole reprises ALL OF YOU, beginning the
song while looking to the spot where
Linda had exited.
COLE
I LOVE THE LOOK OF YOU,
THE LURE OF YOU
THE SWEET OF YOU,
AND THE PURE OF YOU
THE EYES, THE ARMS, AND THE MOUTH OF YOU
THE EAST, WEST, NORTH, AND THE SOUTH OF YOU
I'D LOVE TO GAIN COMPLETE CONTROL OF YOU HANDLE EVEN THE
HEART AND SOUL OF YOU
LOVE AT LEAST A SMALL PERCENT OF ME DO
'CAUSE I LOVE ALL OF YOU
(to musical director)
Please keep an underscore going, would you?
COLE
(to audience)
So, you may be coming to some conclusions regarding how I
lived...how I loved. The only details you know for sure are
that I was married to a woman, and I loved men. Who was the
love of my life? Was it Boris? Ed Tauch? Tom? Harry?
Dick?...Linda? Some have surmised that I slept with Linda.
Some have surmised that I slept with everyone but Linda.
Once again...make the choice that you're happiest with. I
know I tried to.
Intro begins to I CONCENTRATE ON YOU.
COLE (CONT'D)
Be everything as it may, I was married for 35 years to a
wonderful woman who believed in me and my work, and gave me
the courage to continue my career through the nine years when
I had nothing but flops.
One by one, the ENSEMBLE come on the
stage, around Cole. They hum to the
song.
COLE (CONT'D)
She fought every doctor to keep my legs, one of which was
finally amputated four years after her death. I did not write
anything further after it was removed, and I died six years
later.
A wheelchair and medical equipment--the
same as at the top of the show--appear.
COLE (CONT'D)
Linda had been so right...when I was whole, I kept creating
music. And now the music keeps creating me.
ENSEMBLE
WHENEVER SKIES LOOK GRAY TO ME
AND TROUBLE BEGINS TO BREW
WHENEVER THE WINTER WINDS BECOME TOO STRONG
ENSEMBLE PLUS COLE
I CONCENTRATE ON YOU.
COLE
WHEN FORTUNE CRIES "NAY, NAY" TO ME
AND PEOPLE DECLARE "YOU'RE THROUGH"
WHENEVER THE BLUES BECOME MY ONLY SONGS
ENSEMBLE
I CONCENTRATE ON YOU.
Cole sits in the wheelchair, as a
DOCTOR and a NURSE (whose face remains
obscured from the audience) attend to
him.
THREE WOMEN
ON YOUR SMILE, SO SWEET, SO TENDER
WHEN AT FIRST MY KISS YOU DO DECLINE
THREE MEN
ON THE LIGHT IN YOUR EYES WHEN YOU SURRENDER--
There is a fermata hold on the end of
the musical line, as the heart monitor
lets out--in tune with the music--a
long beep, indicating that Cole has
died.
THREE MEN (CONT'D)
AND ONCE AGAIN OUR ARMS INTERTWINE
DOCTOR
There was nothing more we could do for Mr. Porter. It was his
time.
The Nurse turns to face DS, revealing
herself as LINDA.
NURSE/LINDA
Yes, Doctor.
During the last section of the song,
the Doctor becomes part of the singing
Ensemble.
Linda stirs Cole, who is once again
adroit, and he stands. Cole and Linda
walk contentedly to the side of the
stage.
ENSEMBLE
AND SO WHEN WISE MEN SAY TO ME
THAT LOVE'S YOUNG DREAM NEVER COMES TRUE
TO PROVE THAT EVEN THE WISE MEN CAN BE WRONG
I CONCENTRATE ON YOU.
Cole and Linda have reached the edge of
the stage. He looks back on the last
sung line, taking in the music. On the
last bar of the song, the lights go out
on Cole and Linda as they disappear.
Ensemble slowly fades to black.
CURTAIN