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Scott Patrick Wagner |
tv pilot
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Oh, Caramba! - Sitcom Pilot
"OH, CARAMBA!"
BREAKDOWN OF MAJOR CHARACTERS
LUCINDA SALAZAR--MID-30'S, ATTRACTIVE, CONTEMPORARY, CUBAN
AMERICAN. AMBITIOUS, ASPIRING TELEVISION PRODUCER, SINGLE
MOTHER OF TWO.
RICK RICHARDS--MID-30'S, HANDSOME, EASYGOING, RED-HAIRED
MIDWESTERNER. THE SOFT-SPOKEN DIRECTOR AT A SMALL OKLAHOMA
TELEVISION STUDIO.
FERNANDO JONES--LATE 40'S. THE ECCENTRIC, COMPLETELY
CAUCASIAN MULTI-MILLIONAIRE OWNER OF SENOR FERNANDO'S FIESTA
FOODS. GOOD-HEARTED BUT NUTS, ENAMORED OF ALL THINGS LATINO.
TINA GOMEZ--LUCINDA'S REBELLIOUS 15-YEAR-OLD DAUGHTER.
DRESSES LIKE A "CHOLA" IN AN L.A. STREET GANG.
JAMIE (JAIME) GOMEZ--LUCINDA'S CHARMING 10-YEAR-OLD SON.
EQUALLY AT EASE IN SPANISH OR IN ENGLISH.
BERNARDO VILLANUEVA--MID-30'S, MEXICAN ILLEGAL IMMIGRANT.
HANDSOME, ROUGH AROUND THE EDGES. JANITOR AT THE TELEVISION
STATION.
ALBERT (ALBERTO) VILLANUEVA--HANDSOME 15-YEAR-OLD MEXICAN
TEEN. BERNARDO'S SON. OPINIONATED.
THE ACTORS OF "NIGHTS IN CARAMBA"
PIA MARIA--EARLY 20'S. A KNOCKOUT MEXICAN-AMERICAN WANNA-BE
STARLET. OF MARGINAL ACTING AND MENTAL TALENT. MARRIED TO
FERNANDO THE MULTI-MILLIONAIRE.
MARIA-LUISA RODRIGUEZ--AN ANCIENT STAR OF THE LATIN-AMERICAN
CINEMA. THE ARGENTINIAN GLORIA SWANSON.
PEPE CATURLA--ALCOHOLIC LATINO ACTOR, MID-50'S. MARRIED TO
MARIA-LUISA.
SONIA SIMON--20'S. CONTEMPORARY LATINA ACTRESS, VERY "NEW
YORK METHOD." PIA'S ACTING COACH.
MIGUEL BRANDINO--20'S. CONTEMPORARY LATINO HUNK ACTOR, VERY
"CALIFORNIA."
"OH, CARAMBA!"
ACT ONE
SCENE A
FADE IN:
EXT. TWO-LANE OKLAHOMA ROADWAY - LATE MORNING
A COW MOOS IDLY IN A SERENE, RURAL PASTURE.
THE FAINT SOUND OF LATIN MUSIC IN THE DISTANCE. A BLACK DOT
DOWN THE HIGHWAY GETS LARGER, MOVING TOWARD US, THE MUSIC
GETTING LOUDER. THE DOT BECOMES A BLACK STRETCH LIMO, AND WE
FEEL THE BEAT OF THE MUSIC AS IT SPEEDS PAST.
CUT TO:
INT. LIMO - CONTINUOUS
LUCINDA SALAZAR PORES OVER A BRIEFCASE OF PAPERS AS HER
TEENAGE DAUGHTER, TINA, ADJUSTS THE CASSETTE PLAYER AND HER
10-YEAR-OLD, JAMIE STARES OUT THE WINDOW.
LUCINDA
Ay, Tina, would you please turn that
down?
TINA
This is the music of my people. I refuse
to compromise.
LUCINDA
The music of your people? When did Pearl
Jam stop being the music of your people?
TINA
When I was wrenched from my homeland,
never to truly know my roots!
LUCINDA
Dios, I'm raising Kunta Kinte. Tina,
your father is from Mexico, and your
mother is from Cuba...so how did Los
Angeles become your homeland?
JAMIE
(RE THE WINDOW) Mom! The big, mutant
animal is eating the green stuff!
LUCINDA
(DRYLY) That's known as a "cow," Jamie,
and the green stuff is called "grass."
It's like astroturf, only better for the
cows.
TINA
His name isn't "Jamie." It's "Jaime."
Don't strip him of his ethnicity.
LUCINDA
(PATIENTLY) Yes, mi vida.
EXT. LIMOUSINE - CONTINUOUS
THE COW LOOKS UP WITH MILD INTEREST AS THE LIMO SPEEDS DOWN
THE ROAD.
CUT TO:
ACT ONE
SCENE B
EXT. FIESTAVILLE, OKLAHOMA CITY LIMITS - NOON
THE LIMO PASSES BY A SIGN THAT SAYS "HOWDY, AMIGO! WELCOME
TO FIESTAVILLE, OK!" A CARICATURE ON THE SIGN SHOWS A WHITE
GUY WEARING OVERALLS AND A SOMBRERO, SMILING AND WAVING.
CUT TO:
INT. LIMO - CONTINUOUS
LUCINDA LEANS FORWARD TO SPEAK TO THE DRIVER (RICK RICHARDS).
LUCINDA
Excuse me, did that sign say
"Fiestaville"?
RICK
Yes, ma'am. Home of Senor Fernando's
Fiesta Foods.
JAMIE
Yuck.
LUCINDA
Jamie, ssh.
TINA
Why does this frijole guy have a t.v.
studio, anyway?
LUCINDA
He's rich, honey. Beyond that, I have no
explanation at all.
RICK
Actually, Senor Fernando bought the
station for his new wife, who has
aspirations to be an actress. I believe
that's where you come in.
LUCINDA
You mean...she's going to be in the show
I'm producing?
RICK
I expect so, ma'am.
TINA
Who's his wife?
LUCINDA
Pia Maria.
JAMIE
The "Cho-Cho Lady?!"
LUCINDA
Ay...
TINA
(LAUGHING) You mean the one who does the
chocolate milkshake commercial on the
Spanish station?
TINA/JAMIE
(SINGING) Cho-cho-cho-co-la-te, cho-cho
cho-co-la-te!
LUCINDA
God, I hope all her talent isn't in her
cho-chos.
DISSOLVE TO:
ACT ONE
SCENE C
INT. T.V. STUDIO - AFTERNOON
RICK USHERS LUCINDA AND THE CHILDREN TO AN OFFICE DOOR.
RICK
There's Senor Fernando's office, ma'am.
Why don't y'all go right in?
LUCINDA
(HANDING HIM MONEY) Thank you very much.
RICK
Ma'am?
LUCINDA
Is...is that not enough?
RICK
Enough? (IT DAWNS ON HIM) Ohhh...you
must think I'm a chauffeur.
LUCINDA
You're...not a chauffeur?
RICK
No, ma'am. I'm your director, Rick
Richards. (HANDS HER BACK THE MONEY)
Thanks, anyway. That would've been a
very nice tip.
RICK EXITS QUICKLY.
LUCINDA
My direc--?!
JAMIE
Mom, are we gonna meet Senor Fernando
now?
TINA
Yes, Jaime. It's time to see if Mom's
new boss is a good Macho or a bad Macho.
LUCINDA
Tina, honestly!
RE-SET TO:
INT. FERNANDO'S OFFICE - CONTINUOUS
LUCINDA AND THE CHILDREN OPEN THE DOOR. IT IS FURNISHED IN
MEXICAN NIGHTMARE, SOMBREROS AND SERAPES EVERYWHERE. LINDA
RONSTADT SINGING "CANCIONES" COMES FROM THE STEREO.
JAMIE
Gee, do you think they sell churros here?
TINA
When does Zorro jump out?
LUCINDA
I guess Senor Fernando is from Mexico.
God, he must miss it something awful...
Really awful!
THE DESK CHAIR SWIVELS AROUND, REVEALING FERNANDO. HE IS AS
CAUCASIAN AS THE WONDER BREAD IS FLUFFY.
FERNANDO
Actually, I've only visited. But I sure
do love the culture. (HE EXTENDS HIS
HAND TO LUCINDA) Fernando Jones, mucho
gusto.
LUCINDA
You're--? You're--?
FERNANDO
Senor Fernando, of Senor Fernando's
Fiesta Foods. But please call me Ferdy.
LUCINDA
(DAZED) You're Senor...?
FERNANDO
(TO THE CHILDREN) And this must be Tina
and Jaime. (SPEAKS SPANISH WITH A STRONG
OKLAHOMA ACCENT) Mucho gusto, muchachos.
Bienvenidos a mi estudio.
JAMIE
El gusto es mio, Senor Fernando.
TINA
Lemme see if I get this. You're Senor
Fernando, the Mexican food guy who wants
my mom to produce an all-Latino soap
opera?
FERNANDO
Correcto, Senorita!
TINA
You got that Michael Jackson skin
disease, or something?
LUCINDA
Tina! Senor Fernando...uh, Ferdy...you
have to understand that we're just a
little bit, uh, surprised to find that
you're...uh...
FERNANDO
El Gringo grande! I make no mystery of
the fact that I am only Hispanic in my
heart, Lucinda. I may call you Lucinda?
LUCINDA
Well...yes.
FERNANDO
Now, Lucinda, darlin', it is certainly
true that I have made a fortune with my
full line of Mexican food products, and
if I can repay the Latino community just
a wee bit with this new programa, then el
gusto es mio. And if the show happens to
offer some creative expression for my
beautiful bride, then magnifico! Say,
why don't we go look in on Pia right now?
JAMIE
Wow...are we gonna meet the cho-cho lady?
FERNANDO
That's right, little hombre.
LUCINDA
(SOTTO, TO TINA) Tina, have you ever
heard her say anything other than "Cho-co
la-te"?
TINA
(SOTTO, TO LUCINDA) No, Mother. I think
she was gonna learn to say "vanilla" too,
but I guess she just decided to marry it.
CUT TO:
ACT ONE
SCENE D
INT. TV STUDIO - MINUTES LATER
FERNANDO OPENS A DOOR THAT SAYS "PIA MARIA" WITH A BIG STAR
ON IT. HE USHERS LUCINDA AND THE CHILDREN IN. PIA MARIA AND
SONIA SIMON, HER ACTING COACH, ARE DEEP IN REHEARSAL.
SONIA
Now try it with sadness.
PIA
(EMOTING SADLY) Cho-cho-cho-co-la-te.
SONIA
Okay, now try excited.
PIA
(EXCITED) Cho-cho-cho-co-la-te!
SONIA
Uh-huh...now anger.
PIA
(SNARLING) Cho-cho-cho-co-la-te.
LUCINDA
(SOTTO, TO TINA) Oh, my God, it is the
only word she knows.
FERNANDO
Why, that's comin' right along, querida.
PIA
(THICK, "CHARO" ACCENT) Oh, do you think
so, Ferdy?
TINA
Hey! She spoke!
PIA
Well, of course I spoke! What you think,
I can't spoke?
FERNANDO
Pia, honey, I'd like you to meet your
producer, Lucinda Salazar.
PIA
(OFFERING HER HAND COQUETTISHLY)
Encantada! (THEN, FOR PUNCTUATION:) Cho
co-la-te!
SONIA
(TO PIA) "Excited" is coming right
along, chica. (TO LUCINDA) We're
working on emotions right now.
FERNANDO
And this here's Pia's acting coach,
Sonia, who I flew in all the way from New
York City.
LUCINDA
Um...why does she just keep saying...
that word?
SONIA
Oh, that's the only dialogue she's
comfortable with right now.
PIA
I have troubles rememborizing. But I
work on it.
TINA
(SOTTO) I have troubles holding down
lunch.
LUCINDA
(SOTTO) Tina, quiet!
TINA
(SOTTO, IN "PIA" ACCENT) I work on it.
PIA
(VERY DRAMATICALLY) Cho-co-la-te!
BEAT. LUCINDA GIVES FERNANDO A WEAK SMILE.
LUCINDA
Well...uh...Senor--Ferdy, why don't we
discuss who we'd like for the rest of the
cast. I figured we need about six weeks
of pre-production--
FERNANDO
Oh, yes! Let's introduce you to the rest
of the cast!
LUCINDA
You mean the whole show is already cast?
FERNANDO
Why sure, Lucinda. How else could we be
ready to do our first episode live on
Friday? (HE GRABS HER BY THE HAND)
Vamonos!
LUCINDA
What?...Live?...Friday?!
CUT TO:
ACT ONE
SCENE E
INT. T.V. STUDIO "NIGHTS IN CARAMBA" SET - CONTINUOUS
FERNANDO PULLS LUCINDA ONTO A GARISH TROPICAL SET, WITH TINA
AND JAMIE FOLLOWING ALONG. ALREADY SITTING IN CHAIRS ON THE
SET ARE RICK AND AN ALL-ANGLO CAST. FROM THE SIDELINES,
BERNARDO THE JANITOR WATCHES.
FERNANDO
This is Greg, who will be playing the
dashing Ernesto.
GREG
(SHAKES LUCINDA'S HAND. WITH TERRIBLE
ACCENT) Yo quiero un bistek con bigotes.
LUCINDA
Oh...really...?
JAIME
Mom...why did he just ask for a steak
with a moustache?
LUCINDA
I don't know, honey.
TINA
How would you like the steak cooked?
GREG
Aw, nuts...I practiced all morning!
FERNANDO
Well, it's the thought that counts, I
say. And this is Midge, who will be
playing the sweet and lovable Lupita.
MIDGE
Hola, puta!
LUCINDA
What?!
MIDGE
Oh...didn't I say "Hello, boss"?
LUCINDA
Not unless your boss is a whore!
MIDGE
(SHRUGGING VACANTLY) Oops.
JAMIE
Mom, what's a whore?
TINA
Someone who does bad work for money.
A CHALLENGING LOOK PASSES BETWEEN LUCINDA AND TINA. LUCINDA
WALKS UP TO BERNARDO, THE ONLY HISPANIC SHE CAN FIND IN THIS
GROUP. SHE EXTENDS HER HAND.
LUCINDA
Hello, I'm Lucinda Salazar.
BERNARDO MEEKLY SHAKES HER HAND, PUZZLED. FERNANDO RUSHES
OVER.
FERNANDO
Uh, Lucinda, that's not an actor.
LUCINDA
It's not?
FERNANDO
No, that's our janitor, Bernardo.
BERNARDO
Mucho gusto, Lucinda Salazar.
LUCINDA
Uh...mucho gusto, Bernardo...Ferdy, can I
speak with you for a moment?
FERNANDO
Why, sure, querida!
THEY WALK OFF TO THE SIDE. SHE SPEAKS TO HIM IN HUSHED
TONES.
LUCINDA
So... Bernardo isn't in this Latin soap
opera...but all of them are?
FERNANDO
Yes, ma'am, that's right! And I assure
you they're all just sweet as honey--
LUCINDA
Well, they may be sweet as honey, but
they're as Latin as mayonnaise!
Fernando, this is the whitest cast I've
ever seen!
FERNANDO
Why, thank you, Lucinda. And Midge knows
how to tap dance, too!
LUCINDA
But these people can't even fake Spanish!
FERNANDO
Oh, but darlin', that's where you come
in! You can coach 'em phonetically!
Then we'll put 'em all in some nice
ruffly costumes, and everything will be
fabuloso! Besides, Midge is my cousin
Enid's kid, and she'd have my hide if I
didn't let her be on the show.
LUCINDA WALKS CALMLY BACK TO TINA AND JAMIE.
LUCINDA
Tina, will you please watch your brother
for a few minutes? Mom has to go develop
a bleeding ulcer.
CUT TO:
ACT ONE
SCENE F
INT. VACANT REHEARSAL ROOM AT THE STUDIO - MINUTES LATER
LUCINDA HAS TAKEN OFF HER SHOES, AND STANDS IN FRONT OF A
REHEARSAL MIRROR DOING AEROBICS IN HER BUSINESS SUIT.
LUCINDA
Make it burn! Make it burn!...Make the
whole damn studio burn!
RICK ENTERS.
RICK
Well...no wonder I couldn't find you at
the local tavern.
LUCINDA
(CONTINUING TO JUMP AROUND) In L.A., you
don't drink when you're upset. You eat
chocolate or you aerobicize! And
someone, bless her little cho-co-la-te,
has taken all the pleasure out of
chocolate for me! (THEN) But at least
she's a Latina, unlike the Caucasians on
Parade I have for the rest of the cast!
RICK
I had a suspicion you wouldn't be pleased
with Senor Fernando's choices.
LUCINDA
Then why didn't you do something about
it?
RICK
You mean, like tell him his cast was too
Anglo?
LUCINDA
Yes, I mean exactly like that!
RICK
Well, ma'am, being myself a Marching Boy
in Caucasians on Parade, I don't have
much leverage in that area.
LUCINDA
Oh, this is just fabulous! I shlep my
whole family out to Comemierda, Oklahoma
because I think there's finally the
opportunity to do an actual show on
English-speaking television that's about
Latinos and by Latinos. What do I get
instead? Ken and Barbie in sombreros!
And a demented Anglo named Ferdy calling
all the shots!
RICK
And don't forget the Latin-as-mayonnaise
hick you've got for a director.
LUCINDA
I didn't say that.
RICK
You think loud.
LUCINDA
Well, do you know the first thing about
Latins?
RICK
Well...they prefer their steak without a
mustache.
LUCINDA
(EXERCISING HARDER) Payaso! Mira que
cosa tiene ese--!
RICK
Look, Ms. Salazar, I don't know if you
came here to make a difference to the
Latin world, or because a Producer credit
would look good on your resume in Los
Angeles-- (SHE SHOOTS HIM A LOOK) --Well,
I did notice that all your credits up
till now are as Assistant Producer.
LUCINDA
And I assure you, that's not because I'm
unqualified. Get a sex change and a race
change, and we'll talk.
RICK
So why don't you use this opportunity?
Have a nice chat with Senor Fernando and
see if you can't change his mind.
LUCINDA
Tell me, why is it always the lowly
Hispanic who has to beg the Anglo master
for every little crumb?!
RICK
Oh, I don't think you have to beg. But
you could use a little of your charm...
LUCINDA
My charm? Do you mean my "Latin charm"
or my "female charm"?! Honestly!
RICK
Well, then use your contract. Senor
Fernando has creative control over the
scripts, not the casting. But I still
think it'll go easier with your charm.
A CHALLENGING, SEXUAL LOOK PASSES BETWEEN THEM AS LUCINDA
EXITS.
CUT TO:
ACT ONE
SCENE G
INT. T.V. STUDIO "NIGHTS IN CARAMBA" SET - CONTINUOUS
SONIA AND PIA REHEARSE WITH THE ANGLO ACTORS, BADLY.
FERNANDO AND TINA WATCH FROM THE SIDE. BERNARDO WATCHES FROM
ANOTHER CORNER, DISCREETLY, AS HE SWEEPS. BERNARDO'S SON
ALBERT ENTERS AND RUSHES OVER TO HIM.
ALBERT
Ay, Papi, necesito comprar un libro para--
BERNARDO
(MOTIONING FOR HIM TO BE QUIET) Baja la
voz, Alberto.
ALBERT LOOKS AROUND AND SEES THE REHEARSAL IN PROGRESS.
TINA SEES ALBERT AND WHISPERS TO FERNANDO.
TINA
Who's that?
ALBERT SEES TINA AND WHISPERS TO BERNARDO.
ALBERT
Quien es esa?
FERNANDO AND TINA CROSS OVER TO THEM.
FERNANDO
Tina, I'd like to have you meet
Bernardo's son, Alberto.
ALBERT
I prefer to be called Albert.
TINA
Oh, great...a white-boy wanna-be.
ALBERT
(STARING AT HER "CHOLA" CLOTHES) And
what are you dressed up for? A rumble?
LUCINDA ENTERS, WITH RICK BRINGING UP THE REAR.
LUCINDA
Fernando, I need to speak with you,
please.
FERNANDO
Well, absolutamente, darlin'. It sounds
serious.
LUCINDA
Well, yes, it is serious. (SHE LOOKS
AROUND AT RICK, THEN BACK TO FERNANDO.)
But it's nothing that two brilliant minds
like ours can't work out.
SHE PULLS FERNANDO A FEW STEPS AWAY FROM THE GROUP. THEY ALL
PRETEND THEY CAN'T HEAR, BUT ARE LISTENING FURIOUSLY.
LUCINDA
Ferdy, I know you want Pia's show to be a
great success--
FERNANDO
Pues, seguro, Lucinda.
LUCINDA
--Uh, huh. And I believe that to make
this show work, we have to pump it full
of Latin blood. And as much as I love
the people you cast, they're just
not...well, Pia will stick out like a
sore thumb if she's the only Latina!
TINA
(SOTTO) Pia will stick out like a sore
thumb if she's the only mammal!
LUCINDA
And I want her to be terrific in this--
ALBERT
(SOTTO) I want a Porsche. Same odds.
LUCINDA
--So it is my professional opinion that
we need to surround her with genuine
Latin atmosphere to showcase her true
talents.
TINA
A bikini would do that.
LUCINDA
What do you think, Senor Fernando?
FERNANDO
Well, querida, I see your point. But
what about Enid's kid?
RICK
(AMBLING UP DISCREETLY) Give her the
small role of Doris, the tourist. Midge
can't act anything more than that,
anyway.
FERNANDO
Well, all right, amigos! But you better
get your Latino actors in here pronto.
We broadcast live at the end of the week.
And you have to fire the actors you don't
want.
FERNANDO EXITS.
LUCINDA
God...I have to fire people.
BERNARDO
Senora Lucinda, no le preocupa. La
sangre se quitara de sus manos mas facil
que la Dama Macbeth, porque la suya es
una causa honorable. (HE EXITS MEEKLY.)
LUCINDA
Perdon?!
TINA
Mom, what did he--?
ALBERT
My father said that--
TINA
(HUFFY, TO ALBERT) I understand Spanish,
okay? (TO LUCINDA) Mom, what'd he say.
LUCINDA
He said that the blood would wash from my
hands more easily than Lady Macbeth's,
because mine is an honorable cause.
ALBERT
(TO TINA) But you already knew that,
since you understand Spanish so well.
TINA
(STARING DAGGERS AT ALBERT) Mom, this is
Bernardo's son, Alberto. But he likes to
be called Chip, or Whitey, or something.
ALBERT
Encantado, Senora Lucinda. I prefer to
be called Albert.
LUCINDA
Albert...does your father read William
Shakespeare?
ALBERT
With respect, Senora, just because my
father does not speak English, does not
make him illiterate. Excuse me.
ALBERT EXITS.
TINA
What a creep!
LUCINDA
Tina, will you please check up on Jamie?
TINA
(EXITING) That's Jaime! Dios, we are a
doomed raza!
LUCINDA
Got any ideas how to get a cast of Latin
actors by tomorrow?
RICK
Well, I figure with your connections in
L.A., and Sonia's in New York, we only
need to make about nine hundred phone
calls. You up for it?
LUCINDA
Let's get started.
RICK
Good. Gonna be a long night. I'll send
out for coffee and donuts. Do you prefer
glazed or...cho-co-la-te?
LUCINDA
(DRYLY) Say that word again, and I will
have to kill you.
CUT TO:
ACT ONE
SCENE H
MONTAGE, A VERY LATIN-FLAVORED ARRANGEMENT OF "TAKING CARE OF
BUSINESS" PLAYS, AS WE SEE RICK AND LUCINDA BUSY ON PHONES.
THEY WORK IN CLOSE QUARTERS, LAUGHING AS THEIR PHONE LINES
GET TANGLED TOGETHER.
BERNARDO BRINGS LUCINDA A CUP OF COFFEE AS SHE WORKS. SHE
THANKS HIM POLITELY, BUT IS UNCOMFORTABLE.
AS MONTAGE ENDS, THERE IS A NEW GROUP OF PEOPLE IN THE CHAIRS
ON THE SET: MARIA-LUISA, PEPE, AND SONIA.
INT. TV STUDIO - LATE MORNING - DAY/2
LUCINDA
Senor Fernando, may I present the cast of
"Nights in Caramba!"
LUCINDA AND RICK SHARE A LOOK AND A PRAYER, AS WE:
FADE OUT.
END OF ACT ONE
ACT TWO
SCENE I
INT. TV STUDIO - CONTINUOUS
THEY ARE AS WE LEFT THEM.
RICK
Senor Fernando, allow me first to the
grande dame of the Latin cinema, Maria
Luisa Rodriguez, who will be playing the
cunning matriarch, Dama Iguano.
LUCINDA
Senorita Rodriguez, I'm a big fan. I'm
sure I've seen every one of the "Viva
Chachito" movies you made when you were
young.
MARIA-LUISA
Young? I still am young! It's the
pictures that got old!
RICK
And this is Maria's husband, Pepe
Caturla, who is, of course, a fine actor
in his own right.
SONIA
(SOTTO, TO TINA) Package deal. Couldn't
get her without him. He'll be
fine...just so long as he doesn't drink
anything stronger than mouthwash.
RICK
Pepe will be playing the role of Bobo the
Clown.
PEPE WAVES, SLIGHTLY DAZED.
LUCINDA
(TO FERNANDO) Ferdy, I wanted to ask you
about that. Why does a tropical island
town like Caramba have a clown?
FERNANDO
It's symbolism, darlin'. But I'm glad
you asked. Show's you're thinking...you
just keep on doing that.
RICK
And to play the sweet and lovable Lupita,
our very own Sonia Simon.
SFX: THE PHONE RINGS.
SONIA
(SOTTO, TO TINA) Package deal. Couldn't
get them without me. Work all the
angles, chica.
LUCINDA ANSWERS THE PHONE.
LUCINDA
(TO PHONE) Oh, good. Thank you. (TO
RICK) He's here. And in the role of the
dashing Ernesto, I'd like to present
Miguel Brandino.
MIGUEL ENTERS, LOWERING SUNGLASSES AND FLASHING VERY WHITE
TEETH.
MIGUEL
Ciao.
TINA, RECOGNIZING HIM, LETS OUT THE EAR-SPLITTING SCREAM OF
THE OBSESSED TEENAGE FAN.
TINA
(MUTTERING TO HERSELF) Miguel Brandino,
Miguel Brandino, my God it's Miguel
Brandino!
LUCINDA
(TRYING TO IGNORE TINA) Miguel, I'm so
pleased you'll be joining us. Your
poster is very prominent in my daughter's
room back in Los Angeles.
MIGUEL
Well, I appreciate your daughter's
interest.
TINA
"Your daughter!" He said "your
daughter!" That's me! Miguel Brandino
was just talking about me!!
TINA LETS OUT ANOTHER SCREAM, AND RUSHES OUT OF THE STUDIO IN
A FRENZY.
MIGUEL
Would you like me to go after her?
LUCINDA
Only if you want her to spontaneously
combust. Ferdy, where is Pia. I wanted
her to meet everyb--
A DOOR ON THE SET FLIES OPEN AND IN COMES PIA MARIA, DRESSED
ALL IN WHITE. SHE STRIKES A DRAMATIC POSE, HOLDING A WHITE
ROSE TENDERLY.
JAMIE
Mom, is she gonna say "cho-co-la-te"
again?
LUCINDA
I don't know, honey.
PIA
(GRANDLY) Welcome to all of you. It is
such a great pleasure.
SONIA
Wow. Two new sentences.
LUCINDA
(TO SONIA) You mean, you didn't rehearse
that with her?
SONIA
Hell, no. I got an acting career now.
She's on her own.
PIA
(BREAKING FROM HER ACT, VERY HAPPY:) How
was that, everybody? Did you believe my
sincerity? Chihuahuas, I love acting!
MARIA-LUISA
(DEADPAN) And acting has strong feelings
for you too, querida.
LUCINDA
Okay, everyone, I'm very pleased you're
all here. We don't have a lot of time,
so Rick, why don't we start the read-thru
of "Nights in Caramba".
THE CAST TAKE THEIR PLACES AT THE TABLE READING, RICK READS
THE STAGE DIRECTIONS.
RICK
"Fade up on the beautiful sandy beach of
the island of Caramba. Bobo the Clown
walks into the shot and says:"
PEPE (BOBO)
"Welcome to Caramba...where paradise and
purgatory meet, passion and power make
love, and reality and fantasy are
brothers of the flesh!"
THERE IS AN AD-LIB MURMUR OF EXCITED REACTION TO HOW
BEAUTIFULLY PEPE READ THE LINE.
RICK
"Bobo moves out of the shot, revealing
Ernesto and Lupita holding hands on the
beach, watched secretly by the cunning
Dama Iguano."
TIME DISSOLVE TO:
ACT TWO
SCENE J
INT. REHEARSAL STUDIO - 20 MINUTES LATER
THEY ARE FINISHING THE TABLE READING.
RICK
Okay, y'all, this is the last scene.
Lupita comes running up to Ernesto and
Chavela on the beach.
SONIA (LUPITA)
Oh, Ernesto, you can't mean it! Don't
say that your love for me was just--
BEAT.
RICK
Pia, that was your cue. You have to
interrupt her, darlin'.
PIA
Oh, yes, of course! (READING) You can
never have Ernesto! I'd sooner roast in
Hell than let him get away!
MARIA-LUISA (IGUANO)
We will all be roasting in Hell if anyone
in Caramba ever learns the truth...
SONIA (LUPITA)
What truth?
RICK
Cue the spray of sea mist on the beach,
and Bobo the Clown, you have the last
line...
PEPE (BOBO)
"The truth will have to wait for another
...Night in Caramba!"
THEY ALL CLOSE THEIR SCRIPTS, SATISFIED. THEY ARE SURPRISED:
MAYBE THIS THING ISN'T AS BAD AS THEY FEARED.
DISSOLVE TO:
ACT TWO
SCENE K
INT. "NIGHTS IN CARAMBA" SET - LATE AFTERNOON
RICK REHEARSES A SCENE WITH MIGUEL AND PIA (PLAYING ERNESTO
AND CHAVELA), AS LUCINDA, MARIA-LUISA AND PEPE WATCH.
RICK
OKAY, PIA. YOU'RE PLAYING THE BEAUTIFUL AND MYSTERIOUS
CHAVELA. I KNOW YOU WON'T HAVE ANY PROBLEM WITH THE
"BEAUTIFUL" PART.
PIA
(COY LAUGHTER) Oh, Mr. Richards, you
flatter me with your truth!
MARIA-LUISA
(HISSING, SOTTO) Coqueta maldita!
RICK
Now, darlin', I need to see a look of
smoldering intensity all over your face.
Can you do that for me?
PIA, GOING FOR "SMOLDERING INTENSITY," SUCKS IN HER CHEEKS
AND MAKES COW EYES, LOOKING SUBLIMELY RIDICULOUS.
RICK (CONT'D)
Okay...that's a good start. Let's play
the scene. Ernesto?
MIGUEL (ERNESTO)
"Chavela! Damn my mother for bringing
you here to Caramba! Is there no end to
her cunning?"
PIA (CHAVELA)
(READING VERY MECHANICALLY) "It is not
for you to blame Dama Iguano. The fault
lies in your own ambivalent heart,
Ernesto!" (STOPS READING FOR A MOMENT TO
LOOK OUT AND "SMOLDER." THEN:) "How
could you ever delude yourself into
believing that a life with timid little
Lupita would douse the fire which you and
I ignited and which remains a burning
ember--" Chin, there are a lot of words
here! How you expect me to rememborize
all of these?!
RICK
Don't worry, Pia. There'll be a
TelePrompter just for you, with all of
your lines. You just have to make sure
that nobody thinks you're reading.
MARIA LUISA
(SOTTO, TO PEPE) For that, they'd have
to believe she can read!
DISSOLVE TO:
ACT TWO
SCENE L
INT. "CARAMBA" SET - EVENING
IT IS 20 MINUTES BEFORE THE TELECAST. THE SET IS COMPLETE,
AND THE ACTORS ARE IN COSTUME, DOING ONE FINAL RUN-THROUGH OF
THE LAST SCENE.
SONIA (LUPITA)
Oh, Ernesto, you can't mean it! Don't
say that your love for me was just--
PIA
You can never have Ernesto! I'd sooner
roast in Hell than let him get away!
MARIA-LUISA (IGUANO)
We will all be roasting in Hell if anyone
in Caramba ever learns the truth...
SONIA (LUPITA)
What truth?
RICK IS JUST OFFSTAGE, ON A HEADSET.
RICK
(SOTTO, INTO HEADSET) Cue the sea mist.
A SPRAY OF SEA MIST WAFTS ONTO THE SET.
PEPE (BOBO)
"The truth will have to wait for another
...Night in Caramba!"
RICK
Aaaand...fade out! That was great,
everybody! Okay, we start the real thing
in fifteen minutes, live to greater
Oklahoma!
LUCINDA
You're all doing wonderfully! You should
be very proud!
THE CAST DISPERSES. LUCINDA AND RICK SPEAK SOTTO.
LUCINDA
This is actually going...not bad.
RICK
Yes, it is, isn't it? Even Pia is
doing...not bad!
LUCINDA
Absolutely!
JAMIE COMES UP TO MARIA-LUISA WITH A BOTTLE OF CHAMPAGNE.
PEPE IS NEXT TO HER.
JAMIE
Dama Iguano...I mean, Senorita Rodriguez!
This bottle of champagne came for you,
with opening night felicidades from
someone named Ladislau!
MARIA-LUISA
Gracias, mi hijito. Please put it over
there for me.
PEPE
(WITH INTENSE JEALOUSY) Ladislau!
JAMIE TAKES THE BOTTLE OVER TO A COUNTERTOP. PEPE STARES
FIERY DAGGERS AT MARIA-LUISA. THEY BEGIN A HEATED ARGUMENT
UNDERNEATH THE OTHER DIALOGUE.
NEARBY, LUCINDA COMES UP TO PIA.
LUCINDA
Pia, how do you feel?
PIA
Oh, I think I am feeling confidenced,
Lucinda. I just need to do my eye
watering-up exercises so that I can be
crying during the big crying scene.
PIA ARCHES HER BACK AND BUGS HER EYES OUT WIDE, TRYING TO
MILK OUT SOME TEARS. LUCINDA BACK AWAY FROM HER, TRYING TO
IGNORE HOW CRAZY SHE LOOKS. LUCINDA HEARS THE ARGUING AND
RUSHES OVER TO PEPE AND MARIA-LUISA.
IN THE BACKGROUND, WE SEE LUCINDA TRYING TO CALM DOWN MARIA
LUISA AND PEPE, WHOSE ARMS ARE FLAILING WILDLY. IN THE
FOREGROUND, MIGUEL WALKS BY PIA AND GIVES HER A SUDDEN PAT ON
THE BACK.
MIGUEL
Good luck, Pia!
HE EXITS AS HER EYES BUG OUT EVEN WIDER IN HORROR.
PIA
Ayy!! My contaxes! My contaxes!
LUCINDA RUSHES AWAY FROM PEPE AND UP TO PIA, ALONG WITH A
CROWD OF OTHERS.
PIA (CONT'D)
Nobody move! Nobody move! Don't nobody
crush my contaxes!
FROZEN SILENCE. EVERYONE -- FEET GLUED IN PLACE -- LOOKS
GINGERLY AROUND AT THE FLOOR.
LUCINDA
Okay, everone step very carefully.
THEY ALL TAKE ONE CAREFUL, SILENT STEP. WE HEAR THE TINY
SOUND OF GLASS CRUSHING BENEATH SOMEBODY'S FOOT. A SHEEPISH
LOOK AMONG THEM.
PIA
Lucinda! I can no read the Telepronker!
LUCINDA
Ay, Dios!
IN THE BACKGROUND, PEPE AND MARIA-LUISA'S ARGUMENT STORMS UP
AGAIN. SHE MAKES AN EVIL GESTURE AND STOMPS AWAY FROM HIM.
PEPE WALKS BY THE COUNTERTOP AND TAKES THE BOTTLE OF
CHAMPAGNE, EXITING.
CUT TO:
ACT TWO
SCENE M
INT. "NIGHTS IN CARAMBA" SET - AIRTIME
RICK RUSHES UP TO LUCINDA, WHO IS STANDING JUST OFF SET.
RICK
Have you seen Pepe?!
LUCINDA
No, I've been with Pia for twenty
minutes, trying to convince her to wear
her damn reading glasses!--Why?! Where's
Pepe?! He opens the show!
PEPE SHOWS UP AT THE FAR SIDE OF THE SET.
RICK
Oh! There he is!
LUCINDA
Gracias a Dios! (SHE CROSSES HERSELF.)
WE HEAR THE OPENING MUSIC.
RICK
(INTO HEADSET) Fade up. Cue Pepe!
PEPE--DRESSED AS BOBO THE CLOWN--COMES INTO THE FRAME. HE IS
WEAVING AND SWAYING.
PEPE
"Welcome to Caramba...paradise, meet
purgabogy...fantasy...flesh...fleshy
sagging tetas...all for Ladislau..."
HE BELCHES LOUDLY, AND FAINTS INTO A DRUNKEN HEAP.
CAMERA FOCUSES BEHIND HIM, ON THE TABLEAU OF ERNESTO, LUPITA
AND DAMA IGUANO. THEY ALL BREAK CHARACTER AND LOOK AT PEPE.
DISSOLVE TO:
ACT TWO
SCENE N
INT. "NIGHTS IN CARAMBA" SET - 10 MINUTES LATER
ERNESTO'S SCENE WITH CHAVELA. PIA--WITHOUT HER READING
GLASSES AND BLIND AS A BAT--SITS ON A CHAISE LOUNGE.
MIGUEL (ERNESTO)
"Chavela! Damn my mother for bringing
you here to Caramba! Is there no end to
her cunning?"
BEAT. PIA SAYS NOTHING. PIA LOOKS TOWARD THE CAMERA, MAKING
A "SMOLDERING" EXPRESSION. MIGUEL TRIES TO COVER.
MIGUEL
Why...what are you trying to tell me,
Chavela?...Are you saying that it is not
for you to blame Dama Iguano. That the
fault lies in my own ambivalent heart,
Ernesto!--I mean...Is that what you mean,
Chavela?
PIA MOVES HER BODY POSITION ON THE CHAISE, VARYING THE
MUGGING FACES SHE IS MAKING TOWARD THE CAMERA.
MIGUEL
Oh...I know what it is that you're
thinking now, don't I?! You're wondering
how could I ever delude yourself into
believing that a life with timid little
Lupita would douse the fire which you and
I ignited...
MIGUEL CONTINUES STRUGGLING PAINFULLY FOR DIALOGUE.
JUST OFF SET, LUCINDA AND RICK STAND, THEIR HEADS BURIED IN
THEIR HANDS.
DISSOLVE TO:
ACT TWO
SCENE 0
INT. "NIGHTS IN CARAMBA" SET - 10 MINUTES LATER
THE CLIMACTIC BEACH SCENE, WITH ALL THE ACTORS. PEPE WEAVES
DRUNKENLY IN AND OUT OF THE OTHERS, MUTTERING. PIA SITS AMID
THEM, STILL IN THE CHAISE FROM THE OTHER SCENE.
LUCINDA AND RICK WATCH UNBELIEVINGLY FROM THE WINGS.
LUCINDA
(SOTTO, TO RICK) What is that chaise
lounge doing in the beach scene
RICK
(SOTTO) Pia said she wouldn't do the
scene without it.
LUCINDA
(SOTTO) But she's not doing the scene.
ON THE SET, LUPITA (SONIA) CONFRONTS ERNESTO (MIGUEL).
SONIA (LUPITA)
Oh, Ernesto, you can't mean it! Don't
say that your love for me was just--
BEAT. CLEARLY, PIA WAS SUPPOSED TO INTERRUPT HER. INSTEAD,
PIA JUST SITS IN HER CHAISE, MUGGING FOR THE CAMERA SOME
MORE.
SONIA (LUPITA)
--Uh...Curses to you, Chavela! Your
thought was so loud it interrupted me!
PIA MAKES A WEIRD CLAWING MOTION TOWARD SONIA, INDICATING HER
"EVIL INTENTIONS."
MIGUEL (ERNESTO)
Uh...I know what that means, Lupita. It
means that you can never have Ernesto-
me!
PEPE
(WEAVING THROUGH, MUTTERING AT MARIA
LUISA) Puta!
MIGUEL (ERNESTO)
Why...I'll bet Chavela would sooner roast
in Hell than let me get away!
MARIA-LUISA (IGUANO)
We will all be roasting in Hell if anyone
in Caramba ever learns the truth...
PEPE
(MUMBLING TO MARIA LUISA) A la mierda
con tu culo viejo!
SUDDENLY, A PROP SEAGULL DISLODGES FROM THE SET AND "FLIES"
DOWN, BUMPING SONIA ON THE BACK OF THE HEAD.
SONIA
Ow!!
SHE STUMBLES, THE WIND KNOCKED OUT OF HER. MIGUEL IS
STANDING NEXT TO HER.
MIGUEL
(SOTTO, TO SONIA) You have the next
line.
SONIA
Ese chingado pajaro--!
MIGUEL
--Which, of course, translates into,
"What truth?"
BEAT. IT IS TIME FOR PEPE AS BOBO TO SAY THE FINAL LINE.
PEPE JUST CONTINUES WEAVING AND MUTTERING. MARIA-LUISA GRABS
HIM.
MARIA-LUISA
(SOTTO, TO PEPE) Say the goddamn line,
you drunkard!
PEPE
(MUMBLING) Kiss my goddamn butt, you
infidel!
IN THE WINGS, LUCINDA AND RICK ARE FRANTIC.
LUCINDA
(SOTTO) Somebody has to say the last
line!
RICK
(INTO THE HEADSET) Where's the "sea
mist?"
BACK ON THE SET, PEPE COLLAPSES INTO A HEAP AGAIN.
SONIA
(SOTTO) Oh, for God's sake, I'll say the
friggin' line!
RICK
(INTO THE HEADSET) I don't care! Give
me some sea mist right now!
A BUCKET OF WATER--THE LAST-MINUTE "SEA MIST"--IS THROWN ON,
RIGHT INTO SONIA'S FACE. BEAT. MIGUEL PICKS UP THE LAST
LINE.
MIGUEL
"The truth will have to wait for another
...Night in Caramba!"
A PAINTED FLAT OF THE OCEAN FALLS DOWN IN A HEAP BEHIND THEM.
THE ACTORS AD-LIB, THROWING ARMS UP, SHAKING HEADS IN
DISBELIEF, WANDERING AIMLESSLY, ETC.
RICK
And...we're out! That's our show, folks!
BEAT. WHAT IS THERE TO SAY?
FERNANDO APPROACHES LUCINDA.
FERNANDO
Oh, my. I wish that had gone a little
smoother.
LUCINDA
Well, at least we'll only be the
laughingstock of local Oklahoma.
FERNANDO
Well, actually, querida...
LUCINDA
No, Ferdy, don't start that sentence with
"Well, actually, querida"!
FERNANDO
Yes, well, actually, I used a little
clause in all of your contracts. I
didn't tell you before the show because I
didn't want anybody gettin' all nervioso,
but I bought some satellite time, and I
had the show broadcast all across the
country.
LUCINDA
Now I drink!
CUT TO:
ACT TWO
SCENE P
INT. LOCAL SALOON - NIGHT
RICK AND LUCINDA ARE GETTING PLASTERED.
LUCINDA
Well, my contract binds me here only if
the show is a hit! The one blessing is
that I get to leave this place and get
back to whatever remains of my life in
Los Angeles!
RICK
We've been getting faxes from the Spanish
papers, Lucinda.
Let's see...this one is from the Spanish
paper in New York City. (READING) "This
review of 'Oh, Caramba!' will appear in
tomorrow's paper. We are providing you
with a translation, since we assume that
none of you speak Spanish."--
LUCINDA
Never mind. I get the picture.
RICK
That looks like the friendliest of the
lot. (LEAFING THROUGH THE PAPERS) Oh,
what's this? An English paper in
Nashville. The headline reads "The
funniest thing to ever come out of the
Heartland."
LUCINDA
(PERKING UP) Huh?
RICK
(READING) "I may just be a white boy
from Tennessee, but I think 'Oh,
Caramba!' is the funniest show I've seen
in years. Now, I don't know too many
Hispanic people, but if they're all as
attractive and amusing as the ones on
this show, then I'm moving closer to the
border!"
LUCINDA
Oh, great! We're the shame of the Latin
community, and the toast of the redneck!
ALBERT RUNS IN WITH A STACK OF OTHER FAXES.
RICK
Oh, wow...these are all raves, from
mainstream papers all over the country!
Nobody seems to have noticed whether the
actors were Hispanic or not, they just
thought it was wildly funny!
FERNANDO RUSHES IN.
FERNANDO
Wow, amigos! I just got off the phone
with three different cable networks!
They smelled a hit!
LUCINDA
Is that what they smelled?
FERNANDO
Yes, ma'am! It was a bidding war! Seems
everybody's lookin' for a show with
Latinos in the worst way.
LUCINDA
Hey! We just did a show with Latinos in
the worst way!
RICK
Senor Fernando, what happened?
FERNANDO
Well, sir, we now have a 13-episode
guarantee with the Comedy Channel for the
new hit farce, "Oh, Caramba!"
LUCINDA
The Comedy Channel? They think our show
is a comedy? Isn't there a Disaster
Channel?
RICK
So...their studios are in Los Angeles,
right?
LUCINDA
Hey...maybe there is a God...
FERNANDO
Well, the best part is that nobody has to
move!
LUCINDA
Nope. No God.
FERNANDO
The entire South went crazy over the fact
that we came live from Oklahoma. We'll
be beaming our little show out to the
whole country from right here in
Fiestaville, week after week!
LUCINDA
Week after week...
FERNANDO
Yeeeee-haw!
JUST THEN, PIA BURSTS IN THROUGH THE FRONT DOOR, POPPING OPEN
A BOTTLE OF CHAMPAGNE.
PIA
(EXULTANT) Cho-co-la-te, everybody!
LUCINDA DROPS HER HEAD ON THE TABLE, EXHAUSTED.
LATIN MUSIC WITH A COUNTRY TWANG COMES UP ON THE SOUNDTRACK
AS WE:
FADE OUT.
THE END