The Merchants of Venice - Sitcom Pilot
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Scott Patrick Wagner |
tv pilot
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"THE MERCHANTS OF VENICE"
Written by
Roger Rees and
Scott Patrick Wagner
BREAKDOWN OF CHARACTERS
COLIN BEECHER - BRITISH, LATE 30'S, CHARMING BUT SOMETIMES
INTROVERTED, WITH AN ODD HABIT OF MUMBLING IN A STREAM-OF
CONSCIOUSNESS BLURT WHEN NERVOUS.
JUDITH SHELL - MID-30'S, AMBITIOUS, INTENSE, BEAUTIFUL. RUNS
THE FAMILY RESTAURANT, SHELL'S BY THE SEA, AND IS DETERMINED
TO MAKE IT A SHOWPLACE.
MAXINE "MAX" DICKENS - MID-30'S, VERY ATTRACTIVE, BLACK.
FROM A LOWER-CLASS BACKGROUND, BUT VERY INTELLIGENT. MANAGES
THE BOUTIQUE, MOLLY'S FOLLY.
TODD BARON - MID-30'S. THE EPITOME OF CALIFORNIA GQ. BLOND,
BUILT AND BEREFT OF SUBTLETY. JUDITH'S ATTORNEY AND
"COMPANION."
SEAN SHELL - 28. BOYISH GOOD LOOKS AND PERSONALITY.
JUDITH'S BROTHER. GOOD-HEARTED, CREATIVE, BUT WITH AN EDGE
TO HIS WIT. DOESN'T WORK; DOESN'T HAVE TO.
(THE LATE) MOLLY SHELL - WEALTHY, ECCENTRIC MATRON OF THE
SHELL FAMILY. IS DEAD, BUT MAKES NUMEROUS POSTHUMOUS
APPEARANCES ON VIDEOCASSETTE.
"THE MERCHANTS OF VENICE"
ACT ONE
SCENE A
EXT. VENICE BOARDWALK - LATE AFTERNOON
A SMART-LOOKING RESTAURANT CALLED "SHELL'S BY THE SEA" FACES
THE OCEAN. ANNEXED TO IT IS A SMALL BOUTIQUE CALLED "MOLLY'S
FOLLY." A SIGN IN THE RESTAURANT WINDOW READS "CLOSED DUE TO
DEATH IN FAMILY."
MOURNERS, IN FASHIONABLE DARK ATTIRE, ENTER THE RESTAURANT
SOMBERLY. MOOD IS BROKEN AS THEY TANGLE WITH A HERD OF SEMI
CLAD ROLLER SKATERS COMING FROM THE OTHER DIRECTION.
AS THEY CLEAR, JUDITH SHELL AND TODD BARON REMAIN OUTSIDE.
SHE LOOKS IMPATIENTLY AT HER WATCH.
JUDITH
Are you sure it's coming?
TODD
Your mother's lawyer said the messenger
would be here in exactly two minutes.
THE MESSENGER ARRIVES PRECISELY THEN.
MESSENGER
For Judith Shell?
JUDITH
(SIGNING) Yes. Thank you.
TODD
Unbelievable. Your mother is still
compulsively early.
THE MESSENGER EXITS.
JUDITH
Does anybody know what's on this?
TODD
Nope. She kept it all a big secret. Her
last request. It's the talk of every law
firm in town.
JUDITH
This is just...gothic! Why can't we have a
normal memorial service like other
families?
TODD
Oh, by the way, your divorce papers are
ready. (REACHING INTO HIS JACKET) I've
got them right--
JUDITH
Todd, please! Can it wait until after
the...video?
JUDITH AND TODD EXIT INTO THE RESTAURANT. COLIN BEECHER
ENTERS, A WEEKEND BAG SLUNG OVER HIS SHOULDER, AND APPROACHES
THE DOOR.
ANOTHER GANG OF ROLLER SKATERS GETS IN HIS WAY BEFORE HE
ENTERS.
CUT TO:
ACT ONE
SCENE B
INT. RESTAURANT - CONTINUOUS
COLIN ENTERS QUIETLY AND REMAINS AT THE BACK.
TODD LOADS THE VIDEOCASSETTE INTO THE MONITOR ON TOP OF THE
BAR. THE CROWD QUIETS AS THE LATE MOLLY SHELL COMES ON THE
SCREEN.
MOLLY
(EXUBERANTLY)
Hi, everyone! I guess this is the last
party I'll be throwing, n'est-ce pas?
And if you all followed my request--and
I'll bet you did--a dying woman's last
wishes do carry a lot of pull, don't they?
(SHE LAUGHS GLEEFULLY) So it must be a
week now since I took the "H" train--I hope
that stands for "Heaven" and not "H-E
double breadsticks! (SHE ERUPTS IN
LAUGHTER AGAIN) Say, do you suppose I'll
run into Sam here? (SHE PRETENDS TO BE
SEARCHING, LOOKING LEFT AND RIGHT) I don't
see him! (LAUGHS AGAIN)
JUDITH
(GETTING A HEADACHE) Oh, God...
MOLLY
No, children, I'm just kidding. I'm sure
your father made it to heaven years ago.
(SHE MUGS TO THE CAMERA, AS IF TO SAY
"MAYBE YES, MAYBE NO") Well, anyway, I
hope this week has given my near and dear
ones enough time to do all that grief
stuff. Black is so tedious unless it's
accessorized properly. But throw your
somber caution to the breeze, my little
cabbages, because I called you all here to--
(SHE PUTS ON A PAIR OF COOL SUNGLASSES) -
partay!!
JUDITH
Oh, God.
MOLLY
And I do hope you are all here...
JUDITH
"All"? What does she mean, "all"?
MOLLY
Now, Judith, don't be upset that I invited
someone "off the list." You wouldn't
begrudge a dying woman's last request,
would you? (SHE LEANS FORWARD AND SPEAKS
CONSPIRATORIALLY) I am milking this,
aren't I?
JUDITH
(TO HERSELF) Darvon. Miltown. Valium.
MOLLY
--I hope you made it, Colin.
JUDITH
Colin?!
COLIN SPEAKS UP SHEEPISHLY FROM THE BACK.
COLIN
Uh, yes...hello.
SIMULTANEOUSLY, ALL HEADS IN THE CROWD TURN TO HIM. AS ONE,
THEY ALL GASP. BEAT. MOLLY SPEAKS AGAIN.
MOLLY
Okay, mes amis. I love you all madly, and
now I want you to eat, drink and talk about
me. Ciao!
MUSIC STARTS UP AND GUESTS MINGLE. JUDITH APPROACHES COLIN.
JUDITH
Colin...
COLIN
Hello, Judith.
JUDITH
What are you--?
BRENT AND KIKI, RICH FRIENDS OF JUDITH'S, INTERRUPT THEM.
BRENT
Judith, darling, we're so empathetic for
your loss.
KIKI
Yes, dear, I'm taking you for a facial and
a fat-free tiramisu next week. No
arguments.
JUDITH
Thank you, Kiki. You and Brent are good
friends.
KIKI
Kisses.
BRENT
Hugs.
THEY WALK AWAY. SEAN APPROACHES, DRINK IN HAND.
SEAN
Colin, old man. I guess you got the ticket
after all. Good to see you.
JUDITH
The ticket?
SEAN
Mummy had me send him a round-tripper once
she knew she was headed outta here.
COLIN
I really couldn't refuse Molly's last
request.
JUDITH
(TO HERSELF) Percodan. Zanex. Arsenic.
MAX WALKS UP TO THEM.
MAX
Judith's ex-husband. My condolences.
JUDITH
Colin, this is Maxine--
MAX
(SHAKING HIS HAND) Call me "Max."
JUDITH
Max is the manager of Mother's little shop
next door.
MAX
Dead Mother's closed little shop next
door...if you wanna get technical.
TODD APPROACHES JUDITH.
TODD
Judy, is this a better time for those
papers?
JUDITH
This is Todd Baron. My...lawyer. He's
practically been my right hand lately.
MAX
(ASIDE TO COLIN) Mm-hmm. And we all know
what a right hand is good for on a cold
night.
SEAN
What papers, Judith?
JUDITH
Not now, Sean.
SEAN
Say, Colin, did that divorce thing ever go
through, or are you still... (IN JUDITH'S
FACE:) married to each other?
TODD
Well, that's just what I--
JUDITH
Not now, Todd.
COLIN
(DISPLAYING AN ODD HABIT OF MUMBLING ON,
STREAM-OF-CONSCIOUSLY) We're not quite
divorced yet, Sean.
Though I'd certainly say we're at least 90%
there, which would only spell "divork,"
which has rather a hideous sound, but
perhaps that's apropos, since divorce is
rather a hideous affair, although I must
stress that neither of us had an affair,
hideous or otherwise...our grounds were
strictly irreconcilable differences, which
may actually be more information than any
of you wanted, eh what?
COLIN ENDS THIS SOLILOQUY IN A FADING MUMBLE, CHUCKLING ODDLY
TO HIMSELF, THEN GOING RATHER BEFUDDLED.
THERE IS A PREGNANT PAUSE, AS EVERYONE DEBATES WHETHER TO
IGNORE WHAT COLIN JUST DID.
SEAN
So, who feels like some ukulele music?
JUDITH
Well, I'm being just terribly rude to the
other guests. Good of you to come, Colin.
And have a safe journey back.
JUDITH IS ABOUT TO WALK OFF.
SEAN
Say, Coll, if you haven't booked a room yet
for tonight, we'd love to have you stay at
the beach house. Wouldn't we, Judith?
JUDITH
(WITH CHILLY RESERVE) Why, of course,
little brother. How courteous of you to
think of it.
JUDITH AND TODD WALK TO OTHER REGIONS.
SEAN
(RE: JUDITH) More ice?
COLIN
Todd, I'm not sure it's appropriate for me
to stay with you and Judith--
SEAN
Look, Pal, you're still family, and hotels
around here are either expensive or
disgusting. No arguments.
MAX
So you're the ex-husband. I just can't
picture you ever married to Miss Thing.
COLIN
Oh? You sense our fundamental
incompatibility?
MAX
No. I can't picture anyone ever married to
Miss Thing.
SEAN
Actually, Father couldn't picture them
married, either.
COLIN
Sam Shell, the in-law from hell.
SEAN
He offered Colin $50,000 to call off the
wedding.
MAX
And you took Judith instead?
COLIN
Yes.
MAX
(STARES AT HIM FOR A BEAT.) Wanna buy some
eight-tracks?
SEAN
So Colin, did you bring the uke?
COLIN
(SHEEPISH) Well, actually...
SEAN
Oh, you did, didn't you? Oh, fabulous!
Wait'll Sis gets a little better
lubricated, and then make her do it.
COLIN
You think?
SEAN
Absolutely.
HE LOOKS FROM SEAN TO MAX.
MAX
I don't know what y'all are talking about,
but I say absolutely.
JUDITH AND TODD ARE AT THE BAR. SHE IS BELTING THEM BACK,
AND REALLY STARTING TO FEEL THE ALCOHOL.
JUDITH
Colin in Califonia...Mother on MTV...Why
are these non-linear events happening in my
life?
TODD
Roll with it, Judy. It was Molly's last
request.
JUDITH
That woman had more last requests than
handbags! She's dead, for God's sakes.
When does she stop driving me crazy?
TODD
Look, once Molly's will is read tomorrow,
that'll be the end of it. Actually, it's
really a stroke that Colin showed up. Now
he can sign the papers before he goes, and
we can get on with our plans.
JUDITH
Papers, papers, papers! You're just a one
track choo-choo, aren't you?! Would you do
me a big fat favor and derail for a while?
TODD
Judy, you don't need to get nasty--
JUDITH
I'm not getting nasty. I'm getting
belligerant. Savor the difference.
SEAN MOVES TO THE FRONT OF THE CROWD AND TAPS A WATER GLASS
SEAN
Ladies and gentlemen, may a please have
your attention. It seems that Colin and
Judith have a special treat for us.
JUDITH
(BELTS BACK A DRINK. HISSES:) What?!
SEAN
In honor of dear Mother, the late great
Molly Shell, Judith and Colin will share
with us a favorite musical moment.
JUDITH BELTS BACK ANOTHER DRINK, AND STARES AT SEAN WITH
BLOOD IN HER EYES.
TODD
Judy, you don't have to do anything you
don't want to do.
TODD RUSHES UP NEXT TO SEAN TO ADDRESS THE CROWD.
TODD (CONT'D)
Ladies and gentlemen, as Ms. Shell's
lawyer, I must...uh, insist that she
not...sing on such a serious occasion.
SEAN
Oh, shut up. C'mon, Judith, be a sport.
THE CROWD
(AD LIBS) Yeah, Judith! C'mon, kid!. Etc.
UKULELE MUSIC BEGINS. COLIN IS PLAYING THE INTRO TO "THEIR
OLD SONG." JUDITH WEAKENS WITH THE ENCOURAGEMENT OF THE
CROWD. SHE BELTS BACK ONE MORE DRINK AND WALKS CAREFULLY TO
THE FRONT.
JUDITH
(QUIET AND DETACHED) "In the morning, in
the evening, ain't we got fun..."
SHE DOES FEEBLE ARM WAVES AND LEG KICKS, A HALF-ASSED
RENDITION OF THE DANCE THAT WENT WITH THIS ROUTINE.
JUDITH (CONT'D)
"Not much money, oh but honey, ain't we got
fun. The rent's unpaid, dear, we haven't a
buss--"
COLIN ADDS THE "PATTER DIALOGUE" TO THE ROUTINE.
COLIN
A bus? I'd settle for a rickshaw.
JUDITH
"But smiles were made, dear, for people
like us."
COLIN
Like us? You mean Norwegians?
SLOWLY, SHE STARTS GETTING INTO THE SPIRIT OF IT.
JUDITH
"In the winter, in the summer, don't we
have fun. Times were bum and getting
bummer--"
COLIN
I'll thank you to leave me bum out of this.
JUDITH
"--Still we have fun. There's nothing
surer, the rich get richer and the poor
get..."
BOTH
"--children."
COLIN
Take it home, Professor!
SHE'S REALLY INTO IT NOW, DOING THE DANCE PERFECTLY AND WITH
GREAT ANIMATION. COLIN SMILES, WARM WITH NOSTALGIA.
JUDITH
"In the meantime, in between time, ain't we
got fun."
JUDITH ENDS THE SONG BIG AND BROAD, LAUGHING HEARTILY WITH
EVERYONE ELSE. SHE ENDS UP IN COLIN'S LAP, AND PLANTS A BIG
KISS RIGHT ON HIS MOUTH. THE ROOM GOES INSTANTLY SILENT.
BEAT. JUDITH'S EYES WIDEN AS SHE REALIZES WHAT SHE HAS DONE.
JUDITH STANDS UP STIFFLY AND, WITH ALL THE DIGNITY SHE CAN
FAKE, SILENTLY CROSSES TO THE BAR.
SEAN
(RAISING HIS GLASS IN TOAST TO THE HEAVENS)
That was for you, Mummy.
THE CROWD REACTS, BUZZING WITH GOSSIP AND GIGGLES.
DISSOLVE TO:
ACT ONE
SCENE C
INT. BEACH HOUSE - EVENING
JUDITH ENTERS, FOLLOWED BY SEAN, COLIN AND TODD. JUDITH IS
STILL ABSOLUTELY SILENT, WALKING DELIBERATELY TO THE BALCONY.
SEAN
The beach pad like you remember it, Colin?
COLIN
Well, it's been a few years, but it still
has that excessive quality, doesn't it?
Not to say, of course, that there isn't
room for excess in life. Well, actually,
there isn't if you ask me. But I don't
suppose you asked me, now did you? (HE
CHUCKLES TO HIMSELF)
SEAN AND TODD STARE AT HIM FOR A BEAT.
JUDITH IS HUNCHED OVER ON THE BALCONY, APPARENTLY SCREAMING.
TODD
Judith, don't you--? Oh, never mind.
You're busy.
COLIN
(RE: JUDITH) My God, is she all right?
SEAN
She's "silent screaming."
TODD
She learned it at a "P.E.W." workshop.
COLIN
"P.E.W.?"
TODD
"Powerful Executive Woman." "P.E.W."
SEAN
Or, as I like to call it, "pew."
TODD
Judith's silent screaming technique is
really improving, I'd say.
COLIN
But Judith screams brilliantly. It was the
thing I admired most about her.
TODD
Screaming out loud is so...primal.
SEAN
Yes, Colin, wake up and smell the decaf!
That's taboo for a "pew." But I figure
she's been waiting to do this ever since
that whopper she planted on you. Hope you
got some tongue for old time's sake.
TODD
Well listen, all, Molly's video will is
being messengered here tomorrow morning.
Her instructions said the "immediate
family" should be ready at 8:00 a.m., so I
guess we'd better turn in.
JUDITH IS SUDDENLY BACK IN THE ROOM, TOTALLY BACK TO NORMAL.
JUDITH
Yes, I'm certainly ready to drop. We'll
see you tomorrow morning then, Todd--
JUDITH ESCORTS HIM TOWARD THE DOOR.
TODD
But--?!
JUDITH
Sean, why don't you remind Colin of the
wonderful balcony view?
SEAN IS PLANTED IN AN ARMCHAIR, AVIDLY WATCHING JUDITH AND
TODD.
SEAN
(MOTIONING VAGUELY TO THE BALCONY) There's
the view. It's wonderful.
COLIN
(UNCOMFORTABLE) Yes. So it is.
COLIN PROCEEDS TO THE BALCONY, CONFUSED.
TODD
Judy, aren't we going to...?
JUDITH
Discretion, Todd.
TODD
What does that mean?
SEAN
Discretion. Noun form of the adjective
"discreet." In this context, it means to
sneak around the object on the balcony so
he doesn't know the subject is conjugating
with her lawyer.
JUDITH
Come back after Colin goes to bed, okay?
TODD EXITS. JUDITH GLOWERS AT SEAN, WHO GETS UP AND SASHAYS
NONCHALANTLY TOWARD HIS BEDROOM.
SEAN
What a tangled web we weave... (TO THE
BALCONY) Goodnight, Colin.
SEAN EXITS TO HIS BEDROOM. COLIN ENTERS FROM BALCONY.
COLIN
Yes, what? Oh...goodnight, Sean.
AN AWKWARD BEAT AS JUDITH AND COLIN LOOK AT EACH OTHER.
JUDITH
Well, I guess you should take Mother's old
bedroom.
COLIN
You think?
JUDITH
Oh, by all means. I'm sure it's spelled
out in Volume 12 of her last request!
COLIN
You seem so much more tense than you were
in England. Is that what a year back in
the States does to someone? But perhaps
it's not geographic, but rather genetic.
Your father certainly wasn't known for
great serenity. Could be what killed him,
I reckon. Crikey, I hope you don't drown
in the same gene pool, if that's not too
obscure a reference.
JUDITH
God...you still do that mumbling thing.
COLIN
Oh, sorry. I forgot how that bothers you.
JUDITH
It's fine. It's none of my business,
right? So...how is work?
COLIN
I was sacked.
JUDITH
Oh, no!
COLIN
No tragedy. It was just a job. Jobs come,
jobs go. Unless you're some sort of work
maniac, I suppose. In which case, jobs
come, jobs stay, jobs conquer.
To irreverently paraphrase the Latin, that
is...
JUDITH
Stop it! I can't stand it! I was sure I
had gotten you to stop talking to yourself.
COLIN
Well, Judith, when you left, who else was
there to talk to?
ANOTHER AWKWARD BEAT. JUDITH GETS PAPERS FROM HER BRIEFCASE.
JUDITH
I think it's best not to rehash the past.
Here. Our divorce papers are ready. Let's
just make a clean break and get on with our
futures. No hard feelings.
SHE EXITS TO HER BEDROOM, GENUINELY SAD.
COLIN
(TO HIMSELF) By all means.
HE EXITS TO THE CENTER BEDROOM. TODD ENTERS FROM THE FRONT
DOOR, TIPTOES INTO JUDITH'S BEDROOM.
COLIN'S DOOR OPENS. WITH UKULELE, HE CROSSES TO BALCONY.
FROM BALCONY, HE PLAYS A PLAINTIVE VERSION OF "AIN'T WE GOT
FUN."
AFTER A BEAT, JUDITH'S DOOR OPENS. SHE QUIETLY BUT FIRMLY
USHERS TODD FIRMLY BUT SILENTLY OUT THE FRONT DOOR. SHE
CROSSES BACK TO HER BEDROOM, SIGHS TOWARD COLIN, AND EXITS
BACK TO HER BEDROOM.
DISSOLVE TO:
ACT ONE
SCENE D
INT. BEACH HOUSE - NEXT MORNING
COLIN IS ON THE PHONE AT THE KITCHEN COUNTER, AIRLINE TICKET
IN HIS HAND. THE T.V. IS ON IN THE BACKGROUND, WITH THE
SOUND OFF.
COLIN
(TO PHONE) ...Yes, that's right. Back to
England. Yes, I'll hold.
COLIN TURNS UP THE T.V. ON THE SCREEN IS A CABLE PROGRAM
WITH TWO ACTORS IN PAPIER MACHE BIRD HEADS DOING "ROMEO AND
JULIET."
FEMALE BIRDHEAD
Romeo, Romeo, wherefore art thou a
parakeet? Deny thy birdseed and refuse thy
cage.
MALE BIRDHEAD
(SINGING) "Beak it to me gently..."
COLIN, HORRIFIED, CHANGES THE CHANNEL. A NORMAL LOOKING MAN
TALKS INTO THE CAMERA.
MAN
--Welcome back to "Don't Change the
Channel." Joining me today will be our
special channeled-entity guests, Praxis and
Zondar. Let me slip into a trance right
now, and I'll bring up our first guest...
AGHAST, COLIN CHANGES THE CHANNEL AGAIN. AN INFOMERCIAL
COMES ON FEATURING PEOPLE WALKING ALONG THE BEACH WITH WEIRD
STICKS.
ANNOUNCER'S VOICE
--the patented "Venice Beach Coin Finder"
practically pays for itself in found money.
And that's not all! If you order now,
you'll also receive--at no extra charge-
this beautiful cubic zirconium bracelet.
It's so expensive-looking, no one will
think you're looking for loose change!
COLIN TURNS OFF THE T.V., STUNNED. THE AIRLINE REP COMES
BACK ON THE LINE. JUDITH ENTERS AND OVERHEARS.
COLIN
(TO PHONE) Yes...you can get me on the
London flight in two hours? Good. Ta.
HE HANGS UP.
JUDITH
Good morning.
COLIN
Yes, well, I'll be leaving very soon.
SEAN ENTERS FROM HIS BEDROOM. CROSSES PATHS WITH COLIN.
SEAN
Morning.
COLIN
Yes, well...
COLIN EXITS INTO HIS BEDROOM.
SEAN
What's wrong with him?
JUDITH
He's English.
TODD ENTERS THE FRONT DOOR, CARRYING A BAG.
TODD
Gooood morning. I've got croissants and
cappuccino. And the messenger should
arrive in exactly five minutes.
THE DOORBELL RINGS JUST THEN.
TODD (CONT'D)
Oh, for pete's sake! She's early again.
TODD RECEIVES TWO VIDEOASSETTES FROM A MESSENGER, WHO EXITS.
SEAN
Oh, goody! Mummy's last will and
instructional video!
TODD
(READING ACCOMPANYING INSTRUCTIONS) This
tape is to be played in five minutes, and
this other one is for you to play after
2:00 a.m., Judith.
JUDITH
(SARCASTIC) Are you sure this woman is
dead? I want to see evidence!
SEAN
Ooh! Can we get the "O.J" criminalists to
gather it? I wanna do the corn dance with
that Mazzola lady!
COLIN ENTERS FROM BEDROOM, WITH SUITCASE. HE CROSSES TO
JUDITH.
COLIN
Yes, well, here are the papers. And I
thought I'd leave you this, for old times.
HE HANDS HER A BOX. CAR HORN IS HEARD O.S.
COLIN
That must be my cab. Sean, Judith, Mr.
Baron...
TODD
Colin, let me say what a privilege it's
been meeting you. I regret we couldn't
become better acquainted.
SEAN
(IMITATING TODD) Colin, let me say...I
regret everything he just said.
COLIN
Yes, well. I'm off.
COLIN EXITS. SEAN STARES AT JUDITH, WHO IS MOST
UNCOMFORTABLE. SHE OPENS THE BOX AND SEES THAT IT'S THE
UKULELE. SHE SETS IT ON THE TABLE.
JUDITH
Todd, is it time to watch that tape now?
TODD STARTS THE TAPE ON THE V.C.R. MOLLY COMES UP ON SCREEN.
MOLLY
Good morning, dears. I trust my party was
festive last night. I hope you behaved
yourself, Seanie. And I hope you didn't,
Judith. Okay, let's get down to brass
tacks, kids.
I'm leaving everything to Judith and Sean,
to be divided equally, except for the
restaurant, which is Judith's, and my
little boutique, which I leave exclusively
to...
A DRUM ROLL IS HEARD ON THE TAPE.
MOLLY (CONT'D)
Sound effects. Don't you love it?
JUDITH
(BITING HER NAILS) I'm going to kill
myself, just so I can hunt her down and
hurt her.
MOLLY
Oh, I shouldn't tease Judith this way.
Stop biting your nails, Judith.
JUDITH SELF-CONSCIOUSLY NOTICES SHE HAS BEEN BITING HER
NAILS, AND STOPS.
MOLLY
I hereby leave my little boutique
exclusively to Colin.
JUDITH
Colin!!?
MOLLY
Yes! (GIGGLES) Now, Colin, don't get
nervous if you've never run a business
before.
Judith didn't know how to run a restaurant
before Sam died, and she's learned just
fine. So, Judith, why don't you turn to
Colin right now, and let him know you're
there to help.
ALL THREE TURN OBEDIENTLY, EXPECTING TO SEE COLIN.
THEY SUDDENLY REALIZE HE'S GONE AND SPRING INTO ACTION.
SEAN
(TO PHONE) Hello, Hawkins? Get the
helicopter to the beach house right away,
please. We have to get to the airport
quick like bunnies.
JUDITH
(GRABBING HER PURSE. TO HERSELF:) Prozac,
Zoloft, Halcyon, Maalox...
END OF ACT ONE
ACT TWO
SCENE E
INT. HELICOPTER - DAY
CLOSE-UP ON COLIN, DAZED. CAMERA PULLS BACK TO REVEAL HIM
FLANKED IN TIGHT AERIAL QUARTERS BY JUDITH, TODD AND SEAN.
PILOT IS UP FRONT. THEY ARE ALL YELLING OVER THE HELICOPTER
NOISE.
TODD
These papers say that the boutique reverts
back to the family if Colin declines it.
SEAN
But why would L.A.'s newest entrepreneur
decline? Colin, you stud!
COLIN
(HE CAN'T HEAR) What?
JUDITH
Colin, you can't be considering it!
COLIN
(HE CAN'T HEAR) What?
TODD
Oh, my God! Molly also bequeathed to Colin
one-third of the beach house. He can move
in any time he wants!
JUDITH
(SHOCKED) What?!
COLIN
(HE CAN'T HEAR) What?!
SEAN
Roomie!
CUT TO:
ACT TWO
SCENE F
INT. BEACH HOUSE - DAY
COLIN ENTERS, FOLLOWED BY JUDITH, SEAN AND TODD.
COLIN
(WITH IRONY) "Once more unto the beach,
dear friends, once more."
JUDITH
Colin, you're sure you're declining?
COLIN
Well, of course I'm declining. What
madness to stay in this beach of wanton
scruples one minute longer than necessary.
JUDITH
Thank goodness for that, at least.
SEAN
"Beach of wanton scruples"...I like it.
JUDITH
I've had that property earmarked for
expansion of the restaurant, and this
would've just been Mother's last revenge.
COLIN
You mean you won't reopen the boutique?
JUDITH
Heavens, no!
COLIN
So you'll be putting Max out of a job?
JUDITH
I'm sure Max can handle it.
SEAN
She's been beached by wanton scruples
before.
COLIN THINKS FOR A BEAT.
COLIN
Judith, may I have the keys to the
boutique, please.
JUDITH
Colin, what do you--?
COLIN
Just have a look-see at my inheritance.
(HE FLASHES JUDITH A COY SMILE) Before I
go back to England, of course.
CUT TO:
ACT TWO
SCENE G
INT. MOLLY'S FOLLY - DAY
COLIN LOOKS AROUND THE ODD, ECLECTIC ASSORTMENT OF
PARAPHERNALIA THAT MOLLY STOCKED THE STORE WITH. MAX LEANS
UP AGAINST A WALL, LAUGHING.
MAX
She left you this place and a piece of the
beach house?!
COLIN
Yes. Isn't that curious?
MAX
No one's more curious than me, Jack.
FATHER RODRIGUEZ ENTERS. HE IS HANDSOME, MID-20'S.
MAX
Hello, Father. Colin, this is Father
Rodriguez from the homeless shelter up the
boardwalk. Father, Colin is the new owner
here.
COLIN
(SHAKING THE PRIEST'S HAND) Well...for an
hour or two.
FATHER
We're quite indebted to the late Mrs. Shell
over at the shelter. I hope you are able
to continue in her tradition.
MAX
Sorry, Father, I don't think that's gonna
happen. Colin's headed back to England,
and the family has other plans. But I do
have one last contribution for you.
SHE HANDS HIM AN ENVELOPE.
FATHER
Thank you, Maxine. We'll certainly miss
these donations, but God will provide.
MAX
Your lips to His ears. Take care.
FATHER
Bless you both.
THE PRIEST EXITS. COLIN LOOKS INQUIRINGLY AT HER.
MAX
We had an interesting approach to profit
management here. Once my salary and the
bills got paid, every penny was donated to
the homeless shelter.
COLIN
What a brilliant stroke! Molly was quite
something.
MAX
Well, I had the brilliant stroke. But I
give her a lot of credit for going along
with it.
COLIN
It does seem rather a shame it can't
continue. But you do understand my
position...
MAX
Oh, sure. You probably got a family and a
great job waiting for you back in England,
right?
COLIN AVERTS HIS GAZE, MUMBLING.
MAX
Single and unemployed, huh? Colin, look,
if she were my ex-wife, I'd be outta here,
too.
COLIN
Judith will probably liquidate this place
right away.
MAX
Mm-hmm.
COLIN
None of that liquidation would go to the
homeless shelter, I suppose.
MAX
Not unless a mysterious virus swept the
earth and made every lawyer a human being.
But if you'd like the shelter to get
something out of this deal...
COLIN
Max! Are you having another brilliant
stroke?
CUT TO:
ACT TWO
SCENE H
INT. RESTAURANT - CONTINUOUS
SEAN SITS AT THE BAR WITH THE VCR AND MOLLY'S TAPE. HE KEEPS
REPLAYING THE MOMENT WHEN SHE PUTS ON THE SUNGLASSES,
GIGGLING.
JUDITH
Sean, dear, Mother's eulogy is not
Nintendo. Stop playing with it.
SEAN
This sunglass bit fractures me. Classic
Mummy.
JUDITH STOPS THE TAPE AND TURNS SEAN AROUND TO FACE HER.
JUDITH
Sean, I need to talk to you. One minute
Colin's leaving, and then he's not. And
when I try and pin him down, he does that
silent English thing. If he's not gone
soon, I'm going to get a yeast infection!
And suddenly it's like I'm somehow wrong to
use that wasted space next door to expand
the restaurant. Which is absurd. But
Colin manages to cloud my judgment. Sean,
I need for us to stick together as a
family. I know we've never been best pals,
but we could support each other. Are you
with me?
SEAN
Have you ever noticed how "Moon River"
starts off exactly the same as the theme
from "Goldfinger"?
JUDITH
Oh, for God's sake!
SEAN
No, listen. (SINGS) "Moon River...
Goldfinger." See? They're the same. What
does it mean? Call me crazy, but--
JUDITH
There's a lot worse I could call you! Here
I am trying to bond, and you didn't hear a
word I said, you little runt!
SEAN
Hmmm. (VERY MATTER-OF-FACT) Colin isn't
clouding your judgment, your obsessive goal
orientation is. Colin always cleared up
your judgment. And he could probably clear
up your complexion too, if you let nature
and Mother's last wishes take their course.
But ledger sheets outweigh a roll in the
sheets for Judith Shell. And you don't
want to bond with me. You want me to help
you get rid of Colin, whom I happen to
like. And I wouldn't mind one fat bit if
he did stay. Does that cover it? Oh,
yeah. Name-calling doesn't become you.
But if I'm a little runt, you're a
squirrely bitch.
COLIN ENTERS FROM NEXT DOOR.
COLIN
Say, Sean, do you know many rich and
powerful people to invite to a fundraiser?
SEAN
Well, let's see. Binky from prep school is
managing Travolta... again. Spats is
president of Fox...big deal. And Chip is
doing P.R. for Oprah, but not the acting,
only the weight loss...
JUDITH
Colin, why do you--?
SEAN
And, of course, there's Mummy's rolodex, if
you want some bluehairs with bucks.
COLIN
Smashing! Looks like I'll have to postpone
flying back to England.
JUDITH
You'll have to--?
COLIN
Sean, I'd like to see that Molly's Folly
isn't liquidated ignominiously. If you're
game, we'll throw a big fete to sell off
all the merchandise to the uppercrust.
SEAN
Sure, pal!
COLIN
Judith, would you like to cater?
JUDITH
Cater? I don't cater!
SEAN
Oh, never mind her! I know Tony Bill. His
restaurant'll do it.
JUDITH
Now, wait a minute! What are you saying,
Colin? Does this mean you're not leaving?
COLIN
I'm simply throwing a party in the shop. I
can't very well do it from overseas, can I?
JUDITH
After! Are you going back after?!
SEAN
Or are you staying here? An ever-present
reminder of what could've been.
SEAN BEGINS SINGING AS JUDITH TALKS.
JUDITH SEAN
I'm getting a real sense (SINGING)
of obtuseness from you, "The road gets rougher,
Colin. I don't think I'm it's lonelier and tougher.
being intrusive or ill- (GETTING LOUDER) The
mannered to want an answer. night gets colder,
It's a valid point. So and suddenly you're
why do I feel like you're older. (EVEN LOUDER)
toying with me? And why And all because of
am I on the defensive? the man that got
I shouldn't have to--SEAN, A-WAYYYYYY---"
IF YOU DON'T STOP--
JUDITH SUDDENLY STOPS HERSELF FROM LOSING CONTROL. SHE TURNS
AWAY FROM THEM, PLANTS HERSELF IN A CROUCH, AND "SILENT
SCREAMS." THEY WATCH HER FOR A BEAT.
IMMEDIATELY AFTER SHE'S DONE, JUDITH RETURNS TO FULL
COMPOSURE, MAKING SURE HER HAIR IS IN PLACE. COLIN IS
AMAZED; SEAN HOLDS BACK AN IMPISH GRIN.
JUDITH
(WITH ABSOLUTE CALM) "Shell's By The Sea"
would be happy to...cater this charitable
event. And it will be my pleasure to make
alternate living arrangements to give you
undisturbed use of the beach house
for...however long you wish.
COLIN
Well, that's very accommodating of you,
Judith.
SEAN
Very impressive. So lifelike.
JUDITH
Yes...everything is settled, then. You'll
have your little gala, and then you'll be
free to...move on.
SEAN
Live for today, Judles. (PUTTING ON A PAIR
OF COOL SUNGLASSES) Dude, let's partay!
SEAN THROWS COLIN A PAIR OF SUNGLASSES AND TURNS UP SOME
MUSIC. THE TWO OF THEM, COLIN TAKING HIS CUE FROM SEAN,
START DANCING WILDLY. JUDITH ATTEMPTS GOOD-NATURED
TOLERANCE, BUT FINALLY THROWS HER HEAD IN HER HANDS.
DISSOLVE TO:
ACT TWO
SCENE I
EXT. FRONT OF MOLLY'S FOLLY/RESTAURANT - EVENING
THE PARTY IS IN FULL SWING. THE RICH AND THE GLAMOROUS EAT,
DRINK AND MINGLE AS SEAN AND HIS AVANT-GARDE BAND PERFORM
BETWEEN THE STORE AND THE RESTAURANT. ON THE BAND'S DRUM SET
IS EMBLAZONED THE NAME OF THE GROUP: "SEAN SHELL AND THE
FLAMING BUTTHOLES"
SEAN
(SINGING, TO THE TUNE OF "GOLDFINGER")
"Moon River...He's the moon, the moon with
the Midas touch..."
INT. MOLLY'S FOLLY - CONTINUOUS
COLIN, HANDSOME IN FORMAL ATTIRE, IS SLIGHTLY OVERWHELMED BY
THE CROWD. MAX IS RIGHT BEHIND HIM, UNAFFECTED.
BRENT AND KIKI, THE WEALTHY COUPLE FROM THE FUNERAL, TAKE A
MINOR TRINKET OFF A SHELF AND EXAMINE IT. THEY APPROACH
COLIN AND MAX WITH IT.
BRENT
Say, how much are you asking for this?
MAX WHISPERS SOMETHING IN COLIN'S EAR.
COLIN
(ASIDE TO MAX) Maxine, it's worth two
bucks. How can I tell them it's $500?
MAX
(ASIDE TO COLIN) Be English!
COLIN
(VEDDY BRITISH) It's $500.
BRENT
(REACHING INTO HIS POCKET) Fair enough.
KIKI
It's so cute!
COLIN TURNS TO MAX, ASTONISHED. SHE SMILES KNOWINGLY AT HIM
AND LEADS THE COUPLE TO THE CASH REGISTER.
JUDITH ENTERS, COCKTAIL IN HAND. FROM OUTSIDE WE HEAR MORE
OF SEAN'S SONG.
SEAN (O.S.)
(SINGING) "Moon River...Pretty girls can
tear out his heart of moon...June, spoon,
tune, croon..."
JUDITH APPROACHES COLIN.
JUDITH
It's going rather well, isn't it?
COLIN
Smashing. You did a great job with the
hors d'oevres.
JUDITH
And everyone just thinks you're the cutest
thing speaking the King's English.
COLIN
Queen's.
JUDITH
What?
COLIN
It's called the "Queen's English" these
days.
JUDITH
Right. You're the cutest thing speaking
the Queen's English.
COLIN
You think so?
JUDITH
You do look good in a tux. I'd better make
sure the waiters are mingling.
COLIN
Judith...(SHE STOPS HER EXIT, LOOKS BACK AT
HIM) I was considering a walk along the
beach later tonight...
JUDITH
How late? It's not so safe to go alone.
COLIN
Would you be my bodyguard?
SHE STARES AT HIM FOR A BEAT, THE HINT OF A WARM SMILE ON HER
FACE.
JUDITH
Yes.
SHE EXITS, DOWNING HER DRINK. HE LOOKS AFTER HER.
DISSOLVE TO:
ACT TWO
SCENE J
EXT. ALONG THE VENICE BEACH - LATER
JUDITH AND COLIN ARE WALKING BAREFOOT ALONG THE OCEAN, SHOES
IN HAND. JUDITH HAS HAD JUST A LITTLE TOO MUCH TO DRINK.
JUDITH
It was good you stayed to do this, Collie.
COLIN
(WINCING) Oh, that name! No one's called
me that since you...
JUDITH
I was proud of you tonight.
COLIN
Well...just doing my share to help.
JUDITH
Yes, right. Helping is important. But it
just gets so confusing. I mean, how much
can one person be expected to do?
COLIN
As much as they can, I reckon.
JUDITH
Well, that's your naivete talking. It's
very commendable to say, but you don't own
a business...Well, I guess you do, but not
really...Colin, you are going to let the
shop come back to the family, aren't you?
COLIN
It means that much to you, does it?
JUDITH
It's just that my life has really been
starting to work. I've got my goals in
focus, and I'm succeeding. And it would
just be so messy with you here...
COLIN
You have a hard time with messy.
JUDITH
Yes, yes, yes! And, yes! I do think
you're the cutest thing speaking the
Queen's English! There! Are you happy?
THEY ARE CONFRONTED BY A HOMELESS WOMAN.
HOMELESS WOMAN
Any spare change?
JUDITH TRIES TO IGNORE HER, BUT COLIN GIVES HER EVERYTHING IN
HIS POCKET.
HOMELESS WOMAN
Bless you.
THE WOMAN WALKS AWAY, HUDDLED. COLIN LOOKS AFTER HER WITH
CONCERN.
JUDITH
(VERY UNCOMFORTABLE) You know, they only
use that money for liquor and drugs.
COLIN
Perhaps she's using it for bread and milk.
Or is that my naivete talking again?
JUDITH
You're not doing her any favors. You're
enabling her. Keeping her needy and
dependent.
COLIN
Oh, splendid! California psycho-babble! I
was wondering when I'd hear some of this.
JUDITH
Ridicule all you want. But I know the
statistics.
COLIN
You know the statistics when they suit you,
Judith. When they don't force you to talk
to a homeless person on the street. That's
too messy.
JUDITH
You don't live here. You don't know what
it's all about. And since when did you
become this passionate crusader? You
certainly never had one spark of commitment
to anything when we were together!
COLIN
I was committed to you.
JUDITH
Well, that's not enough. A man has to have
ambition! Goals!
COLIN
Like your father.
JUDITH
Yes!
COLIN
--And Todd.
JUDITH
Definitely.
COLIN
(SARCASTIC) Two of the finest role models I
ever met.
JUDITH
Look, you! This is my life, and I'm happy
with it. I don't need you criticizing it.
And I really don't need you involved in it.
I'll give you $75,000 for the property
you've inherited. Does that sound
satisfactory?
COLIN
Well, I see the price has gone up. Your
father only offered me fifty thousand to
sell out. Keep your dollars, darling. I
wouldn't think of standing in the way of
your goals. There's a night flight to
London. I'll be on it. And I'll find a
solicitor back home to turn your precious
property over to you.
HE STOMPS AWAY.
JUDITH
(QUIETLY) Fine.
DISSOLVE TO:
ACT TWO
SCENE K
INT. AIRPORT - LATE NIGHT
COLIN WALKS TO HIS GATE, GETS ASKED FOR HANDOUTS BY A SERIES
OF HOMELESS PEOPLE, ONE AFTER THE OTHER.
NEAR THE GATE HE SEES A VOLUNTEER AT A STAND ASKING FOR
CONTRIBUTIONS. THE SIGN ABOVE HIS HEAD READS "HAVE YOU DONE
ALL YOU CAN TO SHOW YOU CARE?"
HE THINKS ABOUT IT, SIGHS, AND KEEPS WALKING.
CUT TO:
ACT TWO
SCENE L
INT. BEACH HOUSE - 2:45 A.M.
JUDITH ENTERS FROM HER BEDROOM. SHE CAN'T SLEEP. SHE FINDS
THE SECOND VIDEOTAPE FROM MOLLY AND PUTS IT ON. SHE SITS, AS
MOLLY APPEARS ON THE SCREEN.
MOLLY
Well, Judith, by now you've either made
nice with Colin, or you've sent him running
back to England. Judy, dear, I know you
think your father's great attribute was his
ambition. You've certainly become his
clone in that respect. But, my darling,
I'll let you in on your father's best
feature: it was me.
The shrewdest move he ever made was
shacking up with someone funny and
frivolous and thoroughly unlike him.
Otherwise he would've been just a rich
boring old fart. If you've blown it with
Colin, I hope you find someone else with a
ukulele. I didn't raise you to be a fart,
dear.
THE TAPE ENDS.
SHE NOTICES THE UKULELE BOX SITTING ON THE TABLE AND PICKS IT
UP. OPENING IT, SHE IS SHOCKED TO FIND IT EMPTY.
JUDITH
(REMORSEFUL) Oh, Colin...
SUDDENLY, THE PLUNKING OF A UKULELE IS HEARD O.S.
COLIN (V.O.)
(SINGING, TO THE TUNE OF "AIN'T WE GOT
FUN") "In the morning, in the evening,
ain't we got fun. I've decided, I'm not
leaving, ain't we got fun..."
JUDITH REACTS, SURPRISE AND A GLEAM IN HER EYE.
SEAN ENTERS FROM HIS BEDROOM. ANY TRACE OF A SMILE JUMPS OFF
HER FACE AS THEY MAKE EYE CONTACT. SEAN, THOUGH, IS
EBULLIENT.
SEAN
Lassie! You've come home!
PANIC MOUNTS ON JUDITH'S FACE AS SHE CONSIDERS THE
COMPLICATIONS.
CUT TO:
ACT TWO
SCENE M
EXT. OCEAN - CONTINUOUS
THE WAVES ROLL IN RHYTHMICALLY.
A LYRICAL ARRANGEMENT OF "AIN'T WE GOT FUN" SWELLS ON THE
SOUNDTRACK.
V.O. OF JUDITH LETTING OUT A HYSTERICAL, VERY LOUD SCREAM.
AND WE:
FADE OUT
THE END