 |
Scott Patrick Wagner | |||
| tv spec script |
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|
Scott Patrick Wagner | |||
| tv spec script |
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SEINFELD
"Modern Manhattanites"
Written by
Scott Patrick Wagner
ACT ONE
SCENE A
INT. COFFEE SHOP - DAY
JERRY AND ELAINE AT A BOOTH. HE READS FROM A MAGAZINE.
JERRY
"I am a single white female,
lusciously curvaceous--"
ELAINE
That means she has big hips.
JERRY
"--looking for a generous single guy-
"
ELAINE
Golddigger.
JERRY
"--who's a big teddy bear."
ELAINE
Oh. She likes 'em fat...and hairy.
JERRY
Aw...How do you know "teddy bear"
means fat and hairy? Maybe she's
looking for cute and cuddly.
ELAINE
What do you care? You wanna date her?
JERRY
Oh, please! Like I'm gonna date
someone who advertises in-- (READING
THE COVER) --"The Modern
Manhattanite." Listen to this:
"Intriguing personal ads from
thousands of available singles."
Sounds like they're talking about
American cheese..."thousands of
available, individually-wrapped
singles." What kind of losers get
involved with this?
GEORGE ENTERS, READING "THE MODERN MANHATTANITE." HE CROSSES
TO THE BOOTH AND SITS.
GEORGE
This looks very promising to me.
JERRY AND ELAINE LOOK AT EACH OTHER.
GEORGE (CONT'D)
There's no charge to place your ad,
and people leave their responses on
your special private voice mail.
JERRY
Yes, and then what? How do the
editors of Modern Manhattanite make
their money? You have to pay five
dollars a minute to pick up your voice
mail?
GEORGE
Ho, ho! That's what I thought! No!
You get an 800 number to pick up your
messages. They charge the people who
respond to your ad! I got nothing to
lose! In fact, I'm gonna go right now
and start working on my intriguing
personal ad.
CUT TO:
ACT ONE
SCENE B
INT. JERRY'S APARTMENT - AFTERNOON
JERRY AND GEORGE. GEORGE WORKS ON HIS AD. KRAMER BURSTS IN.
KRAMER
(INSTANTLY CALM) Got any Dino-Crisp?
JERRY
Yeah, I think so. Next to the Crunch
Berries.
GEORGE
(RE: HIS AD) How does this sound?
"Lovable cuddly hombre seeks--"
JERRY
"Hombre?" You're describing yourself
as an hombre?
GEORGE
Well, I think it's good contrast to
the "lovable, cuddly." Kinda makes me
sound like a sensitive stud.
KRAMER
Hmm...yeah...like Julio Iglesias.
ELAINE ENTERS FROM THE BATHROOM.
ELAINE
Anybody watch Regis and Kathy Lee
today?
JERRY
(VERY DRY) Ooh. Forgot to set my
VCR.
KRAMER
Say...have you seen that thing that
programs your VCR by the sound of your
voice? Amazing technology...
JERRY
Yeah, I was wondering about that. How
does something like that work? And
how does it know that you're serious?
ELAINE
What...you were planning to deceive it
sometimes?
JERRY
I mean, what if it's sitting there on
the counter, and I happen to be
talking to you, and I say that I wish
that music companies weren't just
making CD's, but that they still made
records. And what if this electronic
ear thought I said "reCORD," and then
you mention your nephew is turning
nine, so then it thinks it's supposed
to start recording at nine.
Everything could go completely out of
control.
ELAINE
"RECord" doesn't sound anything like
"reCORD."
JERRY
It's just an example. And what if
they transfer this technology to other
major appliances? What if the
microwave gets this thing, and one day
I'm fortunate enough to be having...an
intimate event in the kitchen and one
of us says "Oh, that's such a turn
on"? If there were any metal objects
in the microwave, this whole place
would blow!
KRAMER
Pfff...you bet!
ELAINE
I couldn't enjoy having sex in the
kitchen...What if I used the wrong
towel?
GEORGE
(RE: HIS AD) How does this sound?
"Tiger cub seeks pussycat to lick
ourselves clean of our loneliness."
JERRY
You have completely lost your mind.
ELAINE
Oh, is that your ad? That's what
Regis and Kathy Lee were talking
about. Regis said a friend of his met
somebody really nice through the
Modern Manhattanite. I think I might
put in an ad myself.
GEORGE
What...aren't you seeing that guy
anymore? What's his name...something
like "jerk."
JERRY
Yes, Elaine. Wouldn't Jerk object?
ELAINE
His name is Dirk, and he's scum. I've
split up with him for good this time.
...Hey, let's all put in ads!
KRAMER
I'm game!
JERRY
No. "N"-"O". Not open for debate.
ELAINE
Aw, c'mon. It'll be fun.
GEORGE
What've you got to lose?
KRAMER
C'mon. We're all doing it...
JERRY
Peer pressure. Mother warned me about
peers like you. And if I succumb to
this, then what? Is "let's jump off a
building" next, or is that in the
advanced class?
ELAINE
(BEGINS SINGING QUIETLY, TO "PRETTY
BABY") "Ev'ry party needs a pooper,
that's why we invited you--"
GEORGE AND KRAMER JOIN HER ON THE CHORUS.
ALL THREE
(SINGING)"Party poo-per, party poo
per."
JERRY
All right! I'll do it!
ELAINE AND KRAMER SLAP A CASUAL HIGH FIVE IN VICTORY.
GEORGE
Now, I just wish I could get someone
to write mine for me...I feel
uncomfortable trying to describe
myself.
ELAINE
I know...I hate that, too....Hey!
Let's all write each other's!
JERRY
Oh...you mean this hadn't already
become as deranged as it was gonna
get?
ELAINE
It'll be fun! And we won't have to
describe ourselves. Okay, everybody
turn to the person on their right.
ELAINE FACES GEORGE, GEORGE FACES JERRY, JERRY FACES KRAMER,
KRAMER DOESN'T UNDERSTAND AT FIRST BUT THEN FACES ELAINE.
ELAINE (CONT'D)
Okay, the person you're facing is the
one who's going to write your
intriguing ad for the Modern
Manhattanite.
GEORGE
(LOOKING AT JERRY) I'm expecting your
best effort here, understand?
JERRY
Yeah, yeah, yeah...
DISSOLVE TO:
.
(C)
ACT ONE
SCENE C
INT. COFFEE SHOP - MORNING
JERRY, ELAINE, AND GEORGE AT A BOOTH. KRAMER BURSTS IN
CARRYING A MAGAZINE.
KRAMER
It's out, it's out! The "Modern
Manhattanite" truck just dropped a
brand-new edition at the corner.
JERRY
They have their own truck?
GEORGE
Lemme see, lemme see! (TO JERRY) You
swore to me this would be good.
JERRY
I devoted a lot of thought to it.
GEORGE OPENS THE MAGAZINE.
GEORGE
Okay...Jerry, show me which is mine.
JERRY
(SEARCHING) Uh...there it is.
GEORGE
"Neurotic Jewish nomad seeks-"
"Neurotic?!" Do you think I'm
neurotic?! Should I be insulted?
JERRY
It's not an insult. It's self
deprecating humor. Women love a man
who can poke fun at himself.
GEORGE
And I don't get this "Jewish nomad"
thing. It makes me sound like I
wander the Sahara with two sets of
dishes.
JERRY
It's exotic. Women will be intrigued.
You'll get hundreds of calls.
GEORGE
Oh, I see. I'll be beating them off
with a stick because I sound like such
an exotic self-deprecator.
(TO ELAINE:) Would you respond to an
ad that starts "Neurotic Jewish
nomad"?
ELAINE
Not even on a bet.
GEORGE
There!
JERRY
Fine! Go write your own ad! Last
time I try to make you sound exotic!
ELAINE
George, lemme see mine.
HE HANDS HER THE MAGAZINE, OPEN TO HER AD.
ELAINE
"Small gal, big hair seeks cross
between Jerry Seinfeld and Antonio
Sabato, Jr.--" Hey!
JERRY
Hey!
ELAINE
What are you trying to say here,
George? That I'm not over...him?
JERRY
Yes, forgive me, George, but that is a
presumptuous and insulting implication
to make about Elaine. It's not true,
is it, dear?
ELAINE
Oh, you wish!
GEORGE
What? What? I just said you like
that type! I didn't imply anything!
What are you getting so upset about?
It's not like I called you "neurotic,"
or anything.
JERRY
It wasn't like calling you "neurotic."
It was to imbue you with a little
flair.
GEORGE
Imbue, shmimbue! I need flair, I go
buy a pen!
JERRY
Well then start your ad with
"Personals, shmersonals. I need a
date, I go to the fruit section."
GEORGE
All right!
JERRY
All right!
ELAINE
All right! Kramer, here's yours.
KRAMER
(TAKING THE PAPER) Oh, alrighty.
"Different Drummer. Bohemian
underwear model with style and all his
own hair seeks sensitive, sensual,
sensational senorita." Oh, I like
that last part!
ELAINE
You don't think I laid the
alliteration on too thick?
KRAMER
Oh, no, I certainly do not.
JERRY
What are you asking him for? He
thinks "The Name Game" is great
poetry!
ELAINE
You don't like "The Name Game" because
"Jerry, Jerry, bo-Berry" ends up
calling you a fairy.
JERRY
I am a little more confident of my
masculinity than that. Lemme see
mine. (KRAMER HANDS IT TO HIM) "Very
tidy stand-up comic named Jerry seeks
leggy supermodel--" Oh, no! Kramer!
KRAMER
What? Huh?
JERRY
You're not supposed to give that many
details. Everyone will know it's me
in this ad!
KRAMER
(TRYING TO UNDERSTAND) And...that's
bad.
JERRY
I'm ruined! The world will think I'm
obsessed with leggy supermodels!
ELAINE GIVES HIM A LOOK THAT SAYS "YOU ARE."
JERRY (CONT'D)
Well, it's not public domain!
GEORGE
Do you think I have any messages yet?
Maybe I should call the 800 number...
ELAINE
George, the ad just came out. No
one's gonna have any messages yet.
KRAMER
Wait...You mean I might be getting mes
sages from this? Excuse me, gotta go!
KRAMER DASHES OUT.
CUT TO:
.
(D)
ACT ONE
SCENE D
INT. KRAMER'S APARTMENT - MINUTES LATER
KRAMER IS ON THE PHONE, LISTENING TO MESSAGES.
WOMAN'S VOICE #1
HELLO, DIFFERENT DRUMMER. I COULDN'T WAIT TO CALL YOU. YOU
SOUND GREAT--
KRAMER PUSHES A BUTTON TO HEAR A DIFFERENT MESSAGE.
WOMAN'S VOICE #2
HI, DIFFERENT DRUMMER. I'M AN UNDERWEAR MODEL, TOO. LET'S
PUT ON A FASHION SHOW FOR EACH OTHER--
KRAMER PUSHES THE BUTTON AGAIN.
WOMAN'S VOICE #3
HELLO? DIFFERENT DRUMMER?. I'D PRACTICALLY GIVEN UP ON MEN,
THEN I READ YOUR AD. I THINK I COULD LOVE AGAIN...
CUT TO:
.
(E)
ACT ONE
SCENE E
INT. JERRY'S APARTMENT - EVENING
JERRY AND GEORGE. GEORGE IS ON THE PHONE. THE BUZZER RINGS.
JERRY
(TO INTERCOM) Who is it?
ELAINE (V.O.)
It's me.
JERRY
C'mon up.
GEORGE HEARS THE AUTOMATED VOICE ON THE PHONE.
AUTOMATED VOICE
You have zero messages.
GEORGE
(HANGING UP) Three days and still no
messages. This is terrible! I can't
pass a pay phone without dialing that
800 number. It's like a compulsion.
Have you had any responses?
JERRY
Only from irate feminists. It's
frankly amazing how many people will
spend two-ninety-nine a minute to
scold you!
ELAINE ENTERS.
ELAINE
Well, it looks like I won't need that
personal ad. Dirk and I are back
together, and he has promised that he
is a changed man. My love has
transformed him.
GEORGE
So...how many responses have you
gotten to your ad?
ELAINE
I don't know. I'm in a relationship.
JERRY
You mean you never even checked?
ELAINE
Why should I? I'm in a relationship!
JERRY
(SEEING THROUGH HER) None, huh?
ELAINE
Not as of yesterday.
GEORGE DIALS AGAIN.
AUTOMATED VOICE
You have zero messages.
GEORGE
I hate the way that machine tells me I
have zero messages! I feel like it's
judging me.
JERRY GRABS THE PHONE AND HANDS IT TO ELAINE.
JERRY
Here. Punch in your code and see what
you got.
ELAINE
(PUNCHING IN HER CODE) What do I
care? I'm in a--Ooh. I got two
messages!
GEORGE
She doesn't need any and she gets two!
The Universe does not want me to be
happy!
ELAINE
This is kinda fun. (LISTENING) Okay,
I press "4" to get my first message.
(SHE STARTS TO LISTEN WITH AN EXCITED
SMILE ON HER FACE. AS SHE LISTENS,
THE SMILE FADES AWAY.) Why, that--!
(SHE HANGS UP AND DIALS A NUMBER.
VERY SULTRY:) Hello, Dirk?! This is
"small gal, big hair," from the Modern
Manhattanite. But you can call me-
(SOUNDING SUDDENLY LIKE A FANGED
CREATURE) --Elaine, the woman you
don't deserve! Drop dead, you swine!
(SHE HANGS UP EMPHATICALLY.)
GEORGE
Don't you want to hear your other
message?
JERRY
C'mon, we're gonna be late for the
movie.
CUT TO:
.
(F)
ACT ONE
SCENE F
EXT. MOVIE THEATER - EVENING
THEY ARE IN LINE. A COUPLE COMES OUT FROM THE PREVIOUS SHOW.
MAN FROM COUPLE
I'M WITH YOU, PAL! GATHER YE LEGGY SUPERMODELS WHILE YE MAY!
THE WOMAN OF THE COUPLE CUFFS THE MAN ON THE BACK OF THE
HEAD.
WOMAN FROM COUPLE
(TO JERRY) PIG!
THEY WALK AWAY. THE LINE GOES INTO THE THEATER.
INT. THEATER LOBBY - CONTINUOUS
GEORGE EXCUSES HIMSELF FROM THE OTHERS.
GEORGE
I'll meet you guys at the seats.
HE GOES FURTIVELY TO THE PAY PHONE AND DIALS THE 800 NUMBER.
AUTOMATED VOICE
You have zero messages.
HE WALKS AWAY, DEJECTED.
ELAINE SNEAKS OVER TO THE PAY PHONE AND DIALS THE 800 NUMBER.
MAN'S VOICE
Hi! My name is Bassett and I'd like
to meet you--
CUT TO:
.
(G)
ACT ONE
SCENE G
INT. COFFEE SHOP - DAY
KRAMER AND GEORGE AT A BOOTH. ELAINE IS AT THE PAY PHONE.
GEORGE
...How many responses have you had?
KRAMER
I dunno...Forty.
GEORGE PLOPS HIS HEAD DOWN ON THE TABLE.
KRAMER (CONT'D)
But I haven't called any of them back.
None of them filled me with that je ne
sais quoi.
GEORGE
I am being punished. God and all the
archangels are punishing me.
JERRY ENTERS AND SITS AT THE BOOTH.
JERRY
Hey, I just made plans to meet someone
from my ad. Her name's Inga.
GEORGE
(HEAD STILL ON THE TABLE) Terrific.
JERRY
I'm meeting her here Saturday
afternoon. She says she's a leggy
blonde translator for the United
Nations.
KRAMER
Ooh. Handy with tongues. That's
good.
ELAINE STRUTS OVER FROM THE PAY PHONE.
ELAINE
Well, it's a good thing that Dirk is
outta my life, 'cause I got a date
with Bassett!
JERRY
Bassett? What is he...a hound?
KRAMER
Bassett...Maybe he's the heir to the
living room furniture.
ELAINE
He's taking me to Chez Pierre tonight.
KRAMER
Chez Pierre! Well! I'm impressed...
GEORGE
(STILL FACE DOWN, MOANING) Ohhhhh
...Everybody's got action but me. The
parade is passing me by...
JERRY
(TO ELAINE) How carefully have you
screened this...Bassett?
ELAINE
Huh?
JERRY
Well, isn't meeting him tonight a
little premature? I mean, what do you
know about this guy? Has he given you
any references?
ELAINE
I'm not hiring a nanny! He looks like
Antonio Sabato, Jr., and he's taking
me to Chez Pierre. This date is so
hot, I oughta wear asbestos!
GEORGE, LIKE AN ALCOHOLIC DESPERATE FOR A DRINK, RUSHES TO
THE PAY PHONE AND DIALS.
AUTOMATED VOICE
You have one message.
GEORGE HANGS UP THE PHONE WITH A "THERE, YOU SEE?" GESTURE,
AND STARTS DEJECTEDLY BACK TO THE TABLE. SUDDENLY HE FREEZES
IN THE MIDDLE OF THE RESTAURANT.
GEORGE
What?! Oh, my God! I have one
message!
HE RUSHES BACK TO THE PAY PHONE AND DIALS, ACCESSING HIS
MESSAGE.
WOMAN'S VOICE
Hi. My name's Heather. I like the
way your ad sounds...sort of self
depracating and, oh, I don't
know...exotic. People tell me I look
like Michelle Pfeiffer, but I think
that's only because I'm blonde.
I'm an aerobics instructor, but I hate
all those over-muscled jocks at the
gym. Actually, Mummy and Dad are
practically fed up with me because I
keep bringing home short, Jewish men,
but that's what I like. (SHE GIGGLES)
So, if you're interested, give me a
call. My number is 555-77-- (THE
AUTOMATED VOICE INTERRUPTS)
VOICE
If you would like to hear this message
again, press "6."
GEORGE
What?!
CUT TO:
.
(H)
ACT ONE
SCENE H
INT. ELEGANT RESTAURANT - EVENING
ELAINE, DRESSED UP, DINES WITH BASSETT, WHO RESEMBLES ANTONIO
SABATO, JR.
BASSETT
So...how about that last episode of
Cheers?
ELAINE SMILES WEAKLY, UNSURE ABOUT THIS GUY.
BASSETT
I loved that pre-show with Bob Costas.
ELAINE
Oh...really?
BASSETT
Oh, yeah. I especially liked when
they showed the time they all had that
food fight. That was so funny!
HE PICKS UP A FORKFUL OF FOOD AND FLINGS IT AT ELAINE.
ELAINE
Hey! What're you-- (HER EYE STARTS
TO FLINCH) Oh, God, there's mashed
potatoes in my lens! Are you insane?!
END OF ACT ONE
.
(I)
ACT TWO
SCENE I
INT. GEORGE'S BEDROOM - MORNING
GEORGE SITS ON HIS BED, HAUNTED BY HIS THOUGHTS. WE HEAR THE
VOICES IN HIS HEAD, WITH ECHO EFFECT.
HEATHER'S VOICE
-- I look like Michelle Pfeiffer, and
my phone number is 555-77--
AUTOMATED VOICE
(INTERRUPTS) --To hear this message
again, press "6."
HEATHER'S VOICE
--aerobics instructor...blond hair
...555-77--
AUTOMATED VOICE
(INTERRUPTS) --To hear this message
again, press "6."
HEATHER'S VOICE
--I love short, Jewish men, hate
muscle jocks, call me at 555-77-
(INTERRUPTED BY THE SOUND OF HIS
MOTHER)
MRS. COSTANZA (V.O.)
--George, oy goten u, all this over a
Miss Blondie Pfeiffer-Shmeiffer!
GEORGE BOLTS TO ATTENTION, SHAKING THE V.O. OUT OF HIS HEAD.
HE LOOKS OVER AT THE PHONE.
GEORGE
I'm only missing the last two digits
...hell, I pay for unlimited local
calling!
HE GRABS A PAPER AND PENCIL AND DIALS THE PHONE. IT RINGS
AND A MACHINE ANSWERS.
MALE VOICE
Hi, this is Gary O'Brien at 555-7700--
GEORGE
(HANGING UP.) Nope. Next.
(HE MAKES A CHECKMARK ON THE
PAD AND RE-DIALS.) 555
7701. (A WOMAN ANSWERS.)
WOMAN
Hello?
GEORGE
Uh, is Heather there?
WOMAN
Heather? Oh, you must have the wrong
number.
GEORGE
(OVER-POLITE) Oh, I'm so sorry. (HE
HANGS UP AND RE-DIALS.) 555-7702.
CUT TO:
.
(J)
ACT TWO
SCENE J
INT. OPTOMETRIST'S WAITING ROOM - MORNING
JERRY AND ELAINE SEATED. CHILDREN IN GLASSES SIT WITH THEIR
MOTHERS.
ELAINE
--And then he just...flings his food
at me! (RE: HER EYE) Ow! This can't
be normal, the way this feels.
JERRY
Food doesn't belong in the eye.
ELAINE
I must have dysentary of the cornea,
or something.
A DOUR WOMAN AND HER TWO DAUGHTERS ENTER FROM THE INNER
OFFICE. AS THEY PASS BY JERRY:
DOUR WOMAN
Well, Mr. Tidy Stand-Up Comic...met
any good supermodels lately?
JERRY
Look, it wasn't my idea to write that--
WOMAN
Don't look at him, girls. Just the
sight of him could turn you into
bulimics.
THE WOMAN USHERS HER DAUGHTERS QUICKLY AWAY FROM HIM AND THEY
EXIT.
JERRY
Did she mean that I would cause them
to develop an eating disorder, or that
I am nauseating.
ELAINE
(HOLDING HER EYE) Oh, just let it
go...
JERRY
I can't believe you go to a children's
optometrist.
ELAINE
I feel safe with Dr. Spectacles.
JERRY
Dr. Spectacles?
ELAINE
Well, it's really Dr. Spekalopolis or
something, but he likes his patients
to call him Dr. Spectacles.
JERRY
He sounds demented.
ELAINE
He is not! He's warm and avuncular!
JERRY
Okay, okay...What's his first name?
ELAINE
What? What does that matter?
JERRY
I just find it very surprising how
many people don't know their doctors'
first names. They're just people too,
y'know. Ordinary Joes and Josephines.
ELAINE
It's Joe.
JERRY
Is not.
ELAINE
I don't know his first name, okay?
JERRY
Well, that's not a surprise. You
barely know his last name...he's "Dr.
Spectacles."
ELAINE GLARES AT HIM AND CROSSES TO THE OPAQUE GLASS WINDOW,
SHE TAPS ON IT. THE NURSE SLIDES OPEN THE WINDOW.
NURSE
Yes?
ELAINE
Excuse me, but what is the doctor's
first name?
NURSE
Oh, he likes his patients to call him
"Dr. Spectacles."
ELAINE
I realize that. But just for the
record?
NURSE
It's Stavros.
ELAINE
Thank you. (CROSSING BACK TO JERRY.)
It's Stavros!
JERRY
Thank you.
DR. SPECTACLES, A KINDLY OLDER MAN, OPENS THE INNER DOOR.
CHILDREN
Dr. Spectacles!
DR. SPECTACLES
(WARM AND AVUNCULAR) Hello, children!
Elaine, I can see you now.
ELAINE
Yes, Dr. Spectacles. (SHE GLANCES AT
JERRY SELF-CONSCIOUSLY, WHO ROLLS HIS
EYES.)
CUT TO:
.
(K)
ACT TWO
SCENE K
INT. GEORGE'S BEDROOM - CONTINUOUS
GEORGE IS LISTENING TO ANOTHER ANSWERING MACHINE.
VOICE ON THE PHONE
YOU HAVE REACHED "BALLOONS 'N' STUFF" AT 555-7738.
HE HANGS UP AND SIGHS. HE DIALS AGAIN.
CUT TO:
.
(L)
ACT TWO
SCENE L
INT. DR. SPECTACLES' EXAMINING ROOM - MOMENTS LATER
DR. SPECTACLES EXAMINES ELAINE'S EYE.
DR. SPECTACLES
You say this happened on a date,
Elaine?
ELAINE
Oh, Dr. Spectacles, it was the date
from hell...heck. Y'know, dating
really suck--dating is very bad.
DR. SPECTACLES
(WARM, AVUNCULAR LAUGH) Well, yes, I
do understand what a trial
relationships can be. (SIGHING)
Truth be told, I'm going through a
messy divorce right now.
ELAINE
(SHOCKED) You? You're splitting up
with Mrs.--...Spectacles?
DR. SPECTACLES
Mm. After nearly forty years. I'm
going to have to dilate your eyes,
Elaine. You won't be able to see very
well for the next 24 hours. Will that
be a problem?
ELAINE
(REALLY DEPRESSED) What is there left
worth seeing? I've seen far too much
already...
CUT TO:
.
(M)
ACT TWO
SCENE M
INT. GEORGE'S BEDROOM - LATE MORNING
GEORGE
(DIALING) 7763...Hello? Is Heather
there?
OLD WOMAN'S VOICE
NO! YOU HAVE THE WRONG NUMBER!
GEORGE
Oh. Sorry. (HE HANGS UP, GRIMACING
FROM HER REACTION. HE DIALS AGAIN.)
7764.
OLD WOMAN'S VOICE
HELLO?
GEORGE
Uh...is Heather there?
OLD WOMAN'S VOICE
THERE'S NO HEATHER HERE! STOP CALLING ME!
HE HANGS UP IN A HURRY. HE TAKES A DEEP BREATH AND TRIES TO
RELAX.
GEORGE
(DIALING AGAIN) 7765. Hello? Is
Heather there?
OLD WOMAN'S VOICE
WHY DO YOU KEEP ON CALLING ME?! STOP IT!
GEORGE'S BODY WRACKS WITH INVOLUNTARY SHOCK. HE GETS ENOUGH
CONTROL TO TALK BACK.
GEORGE
Well, why do you have three phone
numbers in a row?! What's the matter
with you?!
OLD WOMAN'S VOICE
I'M CALLING THE POLICE!
HE HANGS UP.
CUT TO:
.
(N)
ACT TWO
SCENE N
INT. JERRY'S CAR - LATE MORNING
JERRY AND ELAINE. SHE WEARS OVERSIZED DARK PLASTIC
GOGGLE/GLASSES.
ELAINE
I can't believe it...Dr. Spectacles
getting a divorce. Kindly, gentle Dr.
Spectacles. All relationships are
doomed. (SHE REACTS WILDLY TO
SOMETHING IN THE WILDSHIELD) Watch
out for that caribou!
JERRY
(AT FIRST ALARMED) What! What!
...Elaine, there are no caribou on the
Long Island Expressway. It's your
eyes.
ELAINE
Oh...I don't know if I can't see
because he dilated my eyes, or because
of these stupid glasses. Do I look
like Lina Wertmuller?...What does it
matter what I look like? I'm never
dating again.
CUT TO:
.
(P)
ACT TWO
SCENE P
INT. GEORGE'S BEDROOM - AFTERNOON
GEORGE
(DIALING, EXHAUSTED) 555
7798. (A MACHINE PICKS UP.)
VOICE ON TELEPHONE
HI, THIS IS HEATHER! PLEASE LEAVE A MESSAGE FOR ME AFTER THE
BEEP. (GIGGLE)
GEORGE HANGS UP THE PHONE AND JUMPS OFF THE BED, EXULTANT.
GEORGE (CONT'D)
Yes!
CUT TO:
.
(Q)
ACT TWO
SCENE Q
INT. JERRY'S APARTMENT - AFTERNOON
JERRY AND ELAINE. ELAINE BUMPS INTO A CORNER.
JERRY
Will you please sit down before you
break something?
GEORGE ENTERS.
GEORGE
Hey, I found out Heather's phone
number! But I haven't left a message.
I want to catch her "in."
ELAINE
I'm happy for you, George. I hope you
don't die from heartbreak if things
work out. (BUMPS INTO A WALL) Ow.
JERRY
How'd you get the last two digits?
GEORGE
(AVOIDING) Anybody want a Snapple?
KRAMER BURSTS IN.
KRAMER
(TO ELAINE) Cool shades. Can I get a
pair?
JERRY
Doesn't Elaine look like Annie
Sullivan from "The Miracle Worker?"
ELAINE
Don't make "blind" jokes about me.
I'm not blind.
ELAINE BUMPS INTO A CHAIR. SHE FLAILS AROUND WITH HER HANDS
AND COMES UPON JERRY'S FACE. HE TAKES HER HANDS OFF HIS FACE
AND PRETENDS TO SPELL OUT HAND LANGUAGE IN HER PALM.
JERRY
"Chair," Elaine. You bumped into a
chair. It has a name.
GEORGE
Wasn't Patty Duke wonderful in that
movie? And so young!
KRAMER
"Dolls...my beautiful little dolls."
JERRY
Oh, no, Kramer, don't--
KRAMER
"Sure I take dolls. 'Cause I gotta
get some sleep.--"
ELAINE
What's he doing?
JERRY
Neely O'Hara from "Valley of the
Dolls."
KRAMER
"--So I can wake up at five in the
morning and 'sparkle, Neely,
sparkle!'"
GEORGE
Boy, she was good in that movie. So
spunky!
ELAINE BUMPS INTO THE BOOKCASE. JERRY IS STARING AT HER.
JERRY
I got tickets for "The Who's Tommy."
KRAMER
I don't understand the title.
ELAINE
Why did you just bring up a show about
a blind boy?
GEORGE
(RE: THE SHOW'S TITLE) Isn't that an
annoying thing?...When they add the
author's name into the title of
something? Like "Sidney Sheldon's The
Other Side of Midnight." It's too
busy.
JERRY
And what if, say, someone gives you
their "The Who's Tommy" tickets? I
couldn't very well say "I'm using
Bobby's The Who's Tommy tickets."
There are just too many possessives.
GEORGE
Bobby? Who do you know named Bobby?
KRAMER
Can I use his tickets if you don't
want 'em? I hear that's a good show.
JERRY
It was just an example.
ELAINE BUMPS INTO THE COUCH. JERRY STARES AT HER.
JERRY
Did Audrey Hepburn win an Oscar for
"Wait Until Dark?"
ELAINE
Stop it, just stop it! You're giving
me a complex!
GEORGE DIALS THE PHONE AGAIN. THERE IS AN ANSWER.
HEATHER (V.O.)
Hello?
GEORGE
Hello?! Is this Heather?!
CUT TO:
.
(R)
ACT TWO
SCENE R
INT. COFFEE SHOP - AFTERNOON
THE CLOCK SAYS 4:15. GEORGE AND JERRY SIT ALONE AT TWO
ADJOINING BOOTHS, BACK TO BACK FROM EACH OTHER. THEY TALK
WITHOUT LOOKING AT ONE ANOTHER, WAITING FOR THEIR DATES.
JERRY
(TO GEORGE) I don't know why you had
to tell Heather that you'd meet her
here at the same time I'm meeting
Inga!
GEORGE
It was the first thing I could think
of.
JERRY
Where is my date? She should've been
here fifteen minutes ago.
GEORGE
I got a bad feeling about this.
A BEAUTIFUL BLONDE ENTERS.
JERRY AND GEORGE PERK UP, WHISPER TO EACH OTHER.
GEORGE
Is that mine or yours?
JERRY
I don't know. I guess we'll have to
wait and see who she comes over to.
THE BLONDE IS MET BY A HANDSOME MAN. THEY GO TO A TABLE
TOGETHER.
GEORGE
Yeah. I knew she wasn't Heather. I
have a sense of Heather.
JERRY
Oh, how? From all the conversations
you've shared?
TWO BEAUTIFUL BLONDES WALK IN TOGETHER. THEY SIT AT A TABLE.
GEORGE
Oh, God...do you think that's them?
JERRY
What?...How could they come together?
Our dates don't know each other...
GEORGE
What if they do know each other, from
...some club or something? Or what if
they started talking outside and
realized their shared objective?
GEORGE AND JERRY STARE AT THE BLONDE WOMEN. THE BLONDE WOMEN
NOTICE THEY'RE BEING STARED AT, AND STARE BACK, INDIGNANT.
THE WOMEN GET UP AND LEAVE.
GEORGE
What if those are our dates leaving?
JERRY
Well, then, we're getting dumped.
Which is only slightly more degrading
than getting stood up, which is what I
think is happening here!
GEORGE
Stood up. Story of my life.
JERRY
Well, it's not the story of mine. I'm
never doing this again! I bet Inga
doesn't work for the U.N. Inga--if,
in fact, "Inga" is her name--works in
a cafeteria and wears a hairnet. She
is a middle-aged Rumanian woman with
an incongruously sexy voice who calls
unsuspecting Manhattanites to torture
them.
GEORGE
Heather probably just looked in
through the front window and decided I
wasn't worthy from a distance.
JERRY
I'm never doing this again.
GEORGE
I wonder if I got any more messages on
my voice mail...
JERRY
Are you kidding me? You could call
that 800 number again? Is there no
fill limit to your well of
humiliation?
I, for one, can assure you I will
never call that number again...and I
believe I speak for Elaine, too.
CUT TO:
.
(S)
ACT TWO
SCENE S
INT. ELAINE'S BEDROOM - AFTERNOON
ELAINE LAYS ON HER BED, IN HER GLASSES. SHE LOOKS AT THE
PHONE. SHE DIALS THE 800 NUMBER.
AUTOMATED VOICE
You have one message.
AGAINST HER BETTER JUDGMENT, SHE HITS THE BUTTON FOR THE
MESSAGE.
OLDER MALE VOICE
YES, HELLO. MY NAME IS STAVROS--
ELAINE REACTS TO THIS.
OLDER MALE VOICE
--AND I'M AN EYE DOCTOR.
ELAINE BOLTS UPRIGHT IN BED.
OLDER MALE VOICE
TRUTH BE TOLD, I LIKE TO GET A LITTLE KINKY. (WARM,
AVUNCULAR LAUGH) NOTHING TOO SERIOUS...HAVE YOU EVER HEARD
OF "WATER SPORTS?" IF YOU'RE INTERESTED, I HAVE A TWELVE
PACK OF BEER AND RUBBER SHEETS ON THE BED.
ELAINE SLAMS DOWN THE PHONE, HORRIFIED.
CUT TO:
.
(T)
ACT TWO
SCENE T
INT. COFFEE SHOP - LATER
THE CLOCK NOW SAYS "5:30." JERRY, GEORGE AND ELAINE ARE ALL
AT ONE BOOTH, MID-CONVERSATION.
JERRY
Dr. Spectacles?! No! Really?
ELAINE JUST NODS, SPEECHLESS.
GEORGE
Wow. I never met anybody who was into
that. But who am I to judge? "Go
with the flow," I say.
JERRY
Yeah, Elaine, he seemed like a fine
specimen of a man.
ELAINE
You're both disgusting.
JERRY
Maybe you should tell the old guy off.
Say "Dr. Spectacles, urine a lot of
trouble!"
ELAINE
I'm never doing this again.
A PRETTY BLONDE WALKS IN.
GEORGE
Jerry, look! Do you think that's
Heather?
JERRY
No, and I don't think it's Inga,
either! It's been an hour and a
half...we've been stood up.
JERRY AND GEORGE CRANE THEIR HEADS ANYWAY, STARING AT HER
JUST IN CASE. THE BLONDE GOES TO PICK UP A TO-GO ORDER.
THEY RELAX AGAIN.
JERRY (CONT'D)
I can't believe it...stood up! This
personal ad thing is not for
sensitive, caring people. This thing
is a breeding ground for flakes and
psychos!..."no-shows" and food
flingers!
GEORGE
Maybe Heather got detained...
JERRY
Y'know, I gotta hand it to Kramer. He
didn't call back a single one of his
messages. He's the only one of us
with any sense.
CUT TO:
.
(U)
ACT TWO
SCENE U
INT. KRAMER'S APARTMENT - DAY
KRAMER IS ON THE PHONE. SOMEONE PICKS UP AT THE OTHER END.
KRAMER
Hello...Jasmine?
SULTRY PHONE VOICE
YES? OH, THIS MUST BE "DIFFERENT DRUMMER." JASMINE
RECOGNIZES YOUR VOICE. JASMINE LOVES YOUR VOICE.
KRAMER
Well--!
SULTRY PHONE VOICE
JASMINE WASN'T SURE IF SHE SHOULD RESPOND TO YOUR AD. IF YOU
DATE JASMINE, YOU TAKE A WALK ON THE WILD SIDE. (KRAMER
EXHALES EXCITEDLY) HAVE YOU SEEN "THE CRYING GAME?"
KRAMER
No, but you like movies? Wow! Me
too!
FADE OUT:
END OF ACT TWO